Nearly Live From Ye Polish Penthouse Vilcome to


A Webpage Devoted Entirely To Shit I Like Without Any Concern For You Whatsoever

Beware that there may be material and links on this page totally unsuitable for youngins and or right wing conservatives. Thats the only warning youre gonna get so zy gazunt.

Thinking About Suicide? Check Out My All NEW JOKES Page first. Then, Its Your Call :)

My life on the road, this time with

Limp Bizkit

A LichtenTour

Heres a quick guide to this page. I start off with self serving rants about anything that is particularly amusing to me at the moment in time that I sit down and write. If your not interested in hearing my views on life, which I completely understand because they're not always that amusing, you can skip straight down to the pictures and links. The pics run the gammit from my stoned out hippy days in college to the present. Feel free to download them, put them into Photoshop, and stick John Holmes dick in my mouth for distribution to all of your friends. Some more rants, my fabulous jokes pages (there are now two), links that I think you may enjoy, and my three Links pages. Perverts should skip straight down to my Links For Somewhat Less Than Normal People, click on Pirate Links, and get the kleenex ready. Now, on with the rants...... 

Tramps Like Us...

Talk about dichotemy. Friday April 14th the stock market drops 600 plus points and I find myself seconds away from wearing a barrel and carrying a will blow you for food sign. Saturday I'm in the first row at the Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band concert in of all places Louisville, Kentucky. On this particular Saturday, Louisville is deeply entrenched in its Thunder over Louisville mania which is the kickoff to a three week Kentucky Derby celebration. With the largest fireworks celebration in the US and an impressive airshow over the River, nearly a million overweight inbred mutants with bad skin and even worse orthadonture and their offspring converge on Louisville for what is clearly the biggest Kentuckian event of the year. Dentists and dermatologists listen up. Who wants to be a millionaire? Pack your bags and head south my friends. This is your territory. I will skip my opinion on the advertisement I saw on CBS TV in Louisville starring and the endless array of unborn fetus's. Suffice to say it was the most graphic and disturbing ad I've ever seen and just reaffirms my opinion that the extreme right need some intensive therapy. That being said, we did meet some great people in Louisville, but clearly the freak show took center stage. Thank God the Springsteen concert was so friggin' great. Three hours plus of the Rock and Roll we grew up living and loving. If you haven't yet seen him on this tour, run don't walk to your local ticket scalper and get your hands on some tickets. The band rocks just like they did when we were young and innocent (so very long ago), and this could well be your last opportunity to experience the legend of the Boss. Baby we were born to run....

Another Thousand Years of Torture

How about that wacky 1999 huh? First massive Y2K paranoia. Everybody running around upgrading their computers (Microsoft conspiracy no doubt) in between trips to Smart & Final/Costco/SamsClub to load up on Tuna packed in water and Freeze Dried Yak Sticks. Then you leave little notes to the ultimate fighting machine wrestler guy who doubles as your Arrowhead water guy that we may just need an extra bottle or two of the distilled water this month (distilled because when the government releases the biological weapons into the atmosphere to retake control over a rioting society, the organisms that live in mountain spring water will multiply in size a gazillionfold and turn your pretty bottle of Arrowhead spring water into a new millenium paramecium juice with amoeba flavored concentrate yummm).

So you've finally done your armageddon shopping, fixed your computers, and now the fun starts. Its the 1999 Christmas shopping season, and of course, you have to figure out what the hell you will be doing for the impending New Years Eve. From an economic standpoint, its been a very good year which means you can go balls to the wall shopping for your friends and family, not to mention little old you. Online, in malls, it doesn't matter where, just spend it. New cooler toys, fab clothes, music (Ricky Martin, oh my God, its Ricky Martin!!), books (New York Noir or Fetishes? You decide), just go nuts. It may all be over on the 1st anyway so live it up. But this New Years Eve thing......that's a problem. Vegas at $600/nite with a 5 nite minimum complete with Barbara Streisand (She'll always be Babs to me) or Bette Midler or Rod Stewart ringing in the New Year for a mere $1000/ticket? $1000 a TICKET??? Is she gonna blow me for a G? I think not. How about dinner out for $300/person here close to home? Maybe but what are the other choices? Party at Ron Meyers house in Malibu? Not invited. Shit. Oh well.....I'll figure it out. Just get me through the month of December.........

Made it through the month. Went to the Christmas parties I couldn't get out of. Gave all the chazas their gifts. Settled out the year with my partners. And most shockingly, I made it through New Years Eve at the restaurant close to home. Turns out, the dinner was fantastic, the wines were brilliant, and the company better yet. Amazingly, the hype didn't kill the night. But....the overindulgance of wine did wipe out my usually respectable resistance to the flu. Unfortunately the recent strain which has hit LA is a mother fucker and I am at this writing one very miserable son of a bitch. It's been a week and the flu seems very comfortable parked here in my wretched body. Officially, I have hacked up enough green and yellow objects d' arte for the next thousand years and the super charged designer antibiotics im forced to take are wreaking havok on my ability to be with myself if you get my drift and with that my friends, we are talking war......Y2K aint got nothin' on this flu.

Georgie, You Roll Up the Bill, I'll Lay Out the Lines

Please excuse this not up to par in the humour department rant but we are coming up on another election and the bozos are back

What is it with politicians that they just can't cop to being human? Whether its Clinton getting his snake drained, or now Georgie Jr. with the tales of cokelore, why can't they just admit to doing the things we've all done and move on with their sheltered lives? We can accept their faults, in fact we can respect them for their faults. It indears them to the rest of the philandering mediocratites of the world, myself included. "I haven't done drugs in seven years. I mean ten years. No, make that twenty years." Who gives a rats ass? All we're asking for is a somewhat honest, relatively intelligent person without an overactive trigger finger to keep this monsterous ship afloat as we live out the few remaining years of our pathetic lives on this planet. Is that too fuckin' much to ask???? Apparently so. Sheesh.

Two Jews

Analyze this Billy Crystal, you lucky, no talent, nearly fell off the celebrity radar but for the real talent of Bobby DeNiro in a brilliant performance saving a mediocre movie that salvaged your plummeting career. I dreamt last night that I was opening for Dom Irerra at the Wilshire Theatre. I have no comedy act, so I'm furiously backstage trying to write one, when Lenny Bruce comes up to me and starts ranting about sociopolitical issues. So now I'm stuck deciding between sharing quality time with a comedy legend, or writing a comedy act so I don't totally bomb out in front of 3000 people on stage. I've got a few jokes burned into my brain about acid reflux and two Jews in a bar, but I desperately need to write them down before they evaporate. Lenny Bruce is not letting up. He's hilarious and hypnotic, I'm nervous and unable to give him the attention he deserves. I've gotta get to a quiet place and put together this fuckin' act quick. I estimate 30 minutes before being called to the stage. Fortunately for me, Lenny's nervous too. He hasn't been onstage himself in a while and finally decides that some quiet time might do him some good and takes off. I can concentrate on the task at hand. I sit down and refine my acid reflux joke, determine that the two Jews walk into a bar joke (they buy it) can actually be expanded and weaved into a recurring piece thruout the act with the premise that one Jew is trying to buy the punchline from the other so he can get out of the joke. He's got business to attend to and being stuck in this joke is keeping him from it. Turns out the joke works, I'm a hit in my standup debut, Dom Irerra thinks I've got a future in this business, Lenny Bruce and I decide to develop a project for cable (we can't work within the constraints of Network TV), and I have to go hire one of those fancy, Porsche driving accountants to the starts to count all the money. And then I woke up. True story. Thank you. Thank you very much.

The Ebay Way

Looking for the perfect gift for that special someone? How about the Pig Paper Punch (Must See!) or the fabulicious Trout Testicles in Sauce , 3 Cans for $6?? If your looking to write a thesis on the way the Internet has changed commerce in modern day society you need go no further than . I discovered Ebay a few months ago and my life will never be the same. Here's the deal. Ebay facilitates online auctions of anything and everything you can possibly imagine. Once consummated, the buyer and seller arrange for payment and shipping, and Ebay gets their piece of the action. The good news is that Ebay is a 24 hour a day International garage sale making every useless piece of shit buried in your attic a valuable commodity. Ol Jed's a Millionaire!!

The only problem with all this is that you can instantly become an Ebay addict as I have. You no longer need to leave your house to spend next weeks paycheck. Of course, AOL has already figured this out and are looking to figure how to take advantage of the fact that Ebay has the highest retention rate on the internet. Addicts like myself spend an average of 20 minutes on Ebay each time they log on to the sight. We bid on shit we don't need, end up remorseful and poorer from the experience, then turn around and resell it to another poor schmuck who proudly displays it on a shelf in their two bedroom, formica adorned Goodlife trailer with high speed internet access. Gotta love America.... 

Lucy......I'm Home!!

Enough about Clinton and the farsical, bad sitcomlike impeachment. I just got back from the last vestige of a Starbucksless society on this earth otherwise known as Habana, Cuba, and it was, to say the least, an amazing journey. Take two parts Happy Days sans the Fonz, one part A/K/A Pablo (A/K/A Who?) and mix in Woody Allen's classic, Bananas, and my friend, you must now wear your underwear on the outside because you're smack dab in the middle of the land time forgot. At this writing, two weeks later, I'm still in the depths of nicotine withdrawl from the 24 hour a day cigar smoking marathon sessions, and, the oh so delicious Rum has finally weasled its way out of my blood stream. The national drinks, both Rum based, are a Mojita which includes sugar, mint, and something sour, and the Habana Libre which is your basic Rum and coke. I think its called a Habana Libre but that may be the name of a hotel which leads me to conclude I had too many of whatever it is they're called.

The people of Cuba are a happy bunch given their circumstances. There are two economies that co-exist, one for tourists fueled entirely by US Dollars, and the other for everyone else. Our guide's father, a top Nephrologist in Havana, earns $28/month, shops in Cuban stores buying only Cuban made goods (try the toothpaste...yummm), while his son the hotel bellhop makes around $600/mo and can afford the things that a scant few in Cuba can. Hotel workers and taxi drivers live in the tourist economy world fueled by guest tips, everyone else lives in the "real" world. One person in our party waited a half hour in line to get an authentic Cuban ice cream cone, only to be ridiculed when he presented a $20 bill to pay, with the end result being a hasty exit keep the change thank you very much for the $20 ice cream cone experience. No big deal to us, 10,000% increase in gross earnings reported in the fourth quarter for the ice cream vendor. We brought along a suitcase full of little gifts (regalitos) that we liberally distributed to everyone in sight. Aspirin, gum, vitamins, and other shit you can get in the 99 cent store goes along way in Cuba in making new friends. When we sat down to dinner in someones home (you can get a license to serve up to three tables in your home) there were items on the menu for a quarter (rice and beans). A FRIGGIN QUARTER. When was the last time you saw anyone actually spend the money for the ink to print a menu item for a quarter? You have to go out of your way to hit double digits eating a meal out in Havana, tho we managed to succeed in our mission on several occasions. The music is the message in Havana and we managed to see alot of local Salsa while we were there. Clearly thats a good part of what keeps the people so damn happy.

The architecture in Havana is truly beautiful and if it weren't in such disrepair, you could be standing in a piazza in Florence. The lack of maintenance is striking and only accented by the beautiful columns and arches falling apart in the forefront of the buildings. At the same time, this is possibly the cleanest city I've ever seen. Picture the South Bronx without all the shit on the streets and your there. Twenty seven people living in a one bedroom apartment is pretty much the standard, but they are for the most part twenty seven happy people. They drink and smoke and eat and hang out and have no idea what time it really is. No walkmans or watches, gameboys or dvd's. Life is simple and people manage to be jolly even though this is the first year that Santa may actually drop by (this is the first year that Christmas is officially celebrated thank you Pope John Paul II).

You feel surprisingly safe in Havana, partially because of the massive Police presence whose primary objective is the safety and security of the relished tourist. At the same time, the police are constantly questioning the locals, requesting proper id, and engaging in dialouge with them that you have no desire to be a part of. It seems to border on harassment, but as a stranger in a strange land it gives you a feeling that if anyone fucks with you, they're doomed to spend the rest of there lives in a midnight express like nightmare. So inquire away my friends in uniform, I'm on your side.

Thats what I can tell you here without breaking the pact. (Insert secret handshake here) In summary, this is the last vestige of a capitalist free society and it should be seen by whomever can manage to get over there before Benelton beats you to it. Capitalist invasion is inevitable and more than likely just around the corner. Its currently not illegal to go Cuba, just illegal to spend money there. We actually had treasury licenses in conjunction with the International Film Festival which made it all kosher, but almost everyone we met was there without official US sanction. I took a shitload of pictures there so feel free to scroll down to see a few I've got posted (more to come as I get them developed). Hasta lluego.... 

Whats the frequency, Kenneth?

I pray this will be my Clinton Scandal swan song and by the time I'm due for another rant, the powers that be will conclude that piss poor sexual judgement on the part of an oversexed leader of the free world is not in fact an impeachable offense, but cause for a swift slap on the wrist and fourty free psychotherapy sessions with Dr. Ruth. This last month has been an eventful one beginning with Wild Bill's admission of an "improper" relationship with the chubster, followed by the release of the Starr report, the Grand Jury videotaped testimony, followed by more of the Starr report, and after all that, the Republicans are still scratching there balls wondering why the American people dont want this President impeached. WAKE UP HOMER. He may be a raincoat donning pervert, but hes done a damn good job running the country the past six years. Unlike the impotent, budget busting, racist, extremist right wing bozos that preceded him, we now have a balanced budget and strong economy. SO LAY THE FUCK OFF!!! You've already cost me a shitload of dough in the crashing and burning stock market. Leave well enough alone. Sheeeesh....... 

So He Blasted a Load on a Fat Homely Intern's Face

Dan Quale makes me want to vomit. And if you saw the Nightline that followed the Presidents address to the nation where that Howdy Doody Lookalike Half Fag Qualeturd babbled on incoherantly about Clintons inevitable impeachment, Im sure you felt the same way (At least I hope you did). Dan Quale is a fuckin loser and his chances of being elected to run as the Republican candidate for President in the year 2000 are NIL and if (God forbid) he is elected, I'm packing my Jenna Jameson videos and DSS satellite dish and moving to Kamchatka.

Now I love the chick who writes Cyber-Sleaze and accordingly offer you an excerpt from her column dated August 18th highlighting this whole Clinton/Lewinsky saga:

"Now the question is - since we have elected and reelected a President who smoked pot, got in trouble for shady business deals, has a brother who was a coke dealer and has repeatedly and publicly cheated on his wife does that mean that all of that behavior is okay now?? Or does it mean that we will want to elect a "morally upright politician" (which is a bloody oxymoron if I had ever heard one...) to undue the lasting smear on the morals of the Presidential office. On one hand the next President who publicly admits he committed adultery in the White House will be old news, on the other, I don't think anyone (except for the news networks) want to go through this whole nasty mess again any time soon. Will we end up witnessing a countrywide swing to the political right?? I hope and pray that the fallout of this scandal is NOT an increase in the membership of the Christian Coalition, but I fear that because of Bill's overpowering need for oral sex on the job, our next President will probably be someone who does NOT cheat on his wife, but who DOES think that abortion should be illegal and that homosexuality is a disease that can be cured. And that, my friends, sucks harder than Monica Lewinsky."

Devil With the Jizz Dress

Now my opinion on the Monica Lewinsky blowing President Clinton scandal may not be original, but I'm the one paying $19.95 to maintain this internet account and for that measly sum, I get to air it here. Clinton has done a great fuckin job as President of this Country. The economy is strong, unemployment is down, the stock market has made every moron with a dartboard a millionaire, and despite all of that, Clinton has managed to attain this economic bliss while maintaining a social conscious for whats going on in the world around him. He hasn't ignored those in need, he's been a strong proponent of human rights, womens right to choose, and many of the other issues that have been important during my lifetime. Now Im too young to have been appreciative of the Kennedy Presidency, but I've never experienced a President that has done so much right in my adult life, and I imagine that its very similar to the way people felt about Kennedy. So now whats the big fuckin dealio if he blew a few loads, maybe gave Monica a pearl necklace or two? He's a man damnit and men are friggin animals. At times were merely dogs in heat. A mans dick can have its own mind and sometimes theres a hostile takeover where the dick cells lock the brain cells in the mind closet and take over the controls. Its not pretty but thats the way it is and has been since the beginning of time. The Eurotrash know it and laugh at we stupid Americans obsessing over this like its a real news story. If he jizzed on her dress, so what? So he lied. We made him lie by imposing our backward right wing Christian values on him and acting as if he was something other than what he is which is just another horney guy. Cut Bill Clinton some slack and let him keep doing what he does so well and if he needs to jack off on some fat interns tits once in a while, hand him a fuckin kleenex. And while your at it, ship Linda Tripp and her bitchass uglyface punim to Mars and give Kenneth Star a copy of Screw Magazine so he can finally see what a real pussy looks like. Enough already.... 

My Fickle Friend, The Summer Wind

What with the hoopla surrounding the final episode of Seinfeld, and my dedication to the People Poll starring Hank the Angry, Drunken, Dwarf , its been a while since I've focused on my original mission with this webpage, the rant. Well, I'm back with a vengance. Its Memorial Day, the gateway to summertime when the livings easy, right? Guess again. We work hard and try to do the right thing, yet obstacles are consistently thrown into the mix just to fuck with our heads. Three months go bye, your in a groove, work is cool, things at home are clicking, and out of nowhere, a curveball to remind you that all is not perfect in your little fantasy world. Mine was work related and I wouldn't bore you with the details, but it whisked me out of Happyland and dropped me right into the heart of Valiumville. Damn, what did I do to deserve that? I have a few friends whose parents are gravely ill, their marriages are crashing and burning, their kids are sniffing Carbona and having unprotected sex in the bathroom at Chuck-E-Cheese. And these are good, caring, never so much as stepped on a helpless bug folks. It just seems that when life is too damn good, the guy upstairs always finds the need to throw a wrench in the works and screw it all up. And its not like its limited to the Judao/Christian/Buddhist/Muslim religions either. Converting to that new age religion started by the musically talented but dermologically deprived driver of your local Dominoes is not gonna protect you. God is an equal opportunity mind fucker. But please dont drink the poison, get up there and tell him I said so.

Now to add insult to my weeks injury, Sinatra passed away. I fortunately saw him at the Hollywood Bowl around ten years ago when he wasn't exactly at his peak, but it was before his voice totally tanked and he still had some semblance of where and who he was. Yesterday, I was listening to Sinatra at the Sands with Count Basie, and I could almost see him there, drink in one hand, cigarette in the other, making eyes at the insurances salesmans wife in the third row. Love him or not, he was the representative for the "its ok to smoke, drink, and bang any chick you can get your hands on" generation, and its a shame he's gone. Now its uncool to drink, smoke, or have sex, and we're stuck with oxygen bars serving herbal smart drinks as our watering holes for the 21st century. Please, put a bullet in me now. When I was in college, we knew it wasn't good to drink or smoke, but we did it anyway, and sex was most definitely considered healthy. Sure, you could get crabs, but thats why Quell shampoo was invented. And the other sexually transmitted diseases were cured with a little yellow pill and a short sabbath prayer. I guess that was the tail end of a carefree era and Sinatra was the Godfather. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll (hey, he covered Mrs. Robinson) were cool, baby. Coo coo ca choo....

Do I Have Rings?

If you've never been to an Irish Catholic wedding, and I hadn't up until recently, you've never lived. I had the distinct honor of being the best man at my good friend fearless Franks fabulous wedding to his soon to be shellshocked bride Lisa a few weeks ago. Lets begin with the morning of the ceremony. The tuxedo rental company drops off my tux a half hour before the traditional taking of pictures and whaddya know, my pants are six inches too short bringing back the worst of possible childhood highwater memories. I'm sweating like Albert Brooks in Broadcast News and it turns out that this was my good friend Frank's idea of humor. Everyones in on the joke but me and I feel like a complete moron throughout the picture taking process only to be given the "real" pants just before heading off to the church. Thanks Frank. On to the church... To bring in the happy couple, the church's resident organist (a stunning woman) butchers the hell out of Bruce Springsteens "Backstreets" so that its totally unrecognizeable. Then, while up at the pulpit for what seemed like 40 days and 40 nights, the priest decided to get contemporary on us and refer to the Beatles "All You Need Is Love". The All You Need Is Love shtick went on and on and on and on, and we half expected him to pull out Gone With The Wind and start reading from chapter 1 page 1. "There was a land of Caviliers and cottenfields called the old South". I could have easily written the code to solve the year 2000 problem in the time that it took for the preacher to get to the "I Do's". When he finally turned to me and asked for the ring, I coudn't help myself. "Rings, do I have rings?" "You looking for something nice in a 14 karat?". Insert rimshot here. But true..

When the ceremony finally ended, all of us older and wiser, we ventured over to the Allwhite Golf and Tennis Resort for the reception. Being the best man, I was elected to give the traditional best man toast. My initial plan was to open with "Speaking for those of us who killed your lord", but I was convinced that it wouldnt go over well in the room, so I immediately transitioned to plan B which was a more touching version of what great people they are and how I wished them all the luck in the world. No mention of hookers, drugs, or all the other great stories I had written out on the napkin. Applause, applause, and then the dog whistle like signal that its time for everybody to start drinking themselves into oblivion. And drink they did. Halfway through the ceremony, the maid of honor is shitfaced and grinding on the dancefloor with a friend of Franks, her boyfriend fuming at the table. We were inches away from a full blown out wedding brawl which would have clearly made the highlight reel. I, naturally was egging the guy on. "Go ahead, the guys a loser. Dance with her." Drink drink drink, dance dance dance, drink some more, and by the end of the reception, it was like Fat Tuesday on Bourbon Street. Everybody stumbled there way back to the hotel, tuxedos stained with alcohol and wedding cake, to continue the party in the lucky couples hotel room blaring an altered version of Chumbawamba's Tubthumper that went like this, "I got no time, for my underwear, cause I'm never gonna leave the house". That pretty much says it all. Color me sold on Catholic weddings.... 

She Blew My Nose and Then She Blew My Mind

My last trip to Las Vegas was a wonderful fantasy like adventure that I feel I must share. A private jet (obviously paid for by some unscrupulous entertainment industry executive) whisk myself and 25 or so other shmoozese to the executive terminal of McLarren airport, Las Vegas, where a car from the Hard Rock pick us all up mogul style and drop us off at the hotel. Not a bad start, eh? Guess again. An hour later I'm down $1500 at the craps table and things aren't looking quite so rosy. Just then, the great allmighty decides it's time to bless one whose been good all year and brings forth a roller who manages to sustain a roll of fourty five minutes (for those of you who dont play craps it's the equivalent of a fourty five minute orgasm) and I go from being down $1500 to up $3000. At that point, I realize theres nowhere to go but down and I cheerfully cash in my chips and head up to the room where I can hyperventilate(ie:mastubate) in the privacy of my soon to be comped hotel room. One private party later, Im in a cab on my way to the MGM to see the Stones, 10th row ticket clenched in hand. The show fuckin rocked and its at that point I realize that its time to stop bitching about my age and just enjoy the ride. If Keith Richards can have fun, so can I. The Stones are amazing live and if you have the opportunity, make it a point to see them on this tour. Like Sinatra (who I saw several years ago), you really dont know how many more times there gonna be out there and should therefore make it a point to see them before they realize how old they really are. After the show, a little more gambling (I gave back $500 in about 30 seconds), a trip around the Hard Rocks circular bar which is populated by an endless cache of scantily clad twentysomethings all looking for Mick Jagger to show up so they can show him the new Bohemian fuck basket they just bought, then, a quick foray to Club Paradise (a strip club conveniently located directly across the street from the Hard Rock), a little hooker dodging in the parking lot on the way back to the hotel (they will blow you for a quarter), and I'm back in my room, the day just a pleasant memory. The next morning its breakfast, check out, (yep, the room is comped), and back on the jet to LA. I think I can die now.... 

Click Here for Previous Rants

And Now For Something Completely Different


Brandy in Concert on the 1999 Never Say Never tour shot by yours truly, pro photographer wannabe extraordinaire. Pictures are copyright Me. Any unauthorized use will be punished by a slow painful death involving ice picks and Dan Quayle speeches on a loop tape. Brandy's official fan club can be found HERE .

Me, Jonathan, Albert and some American broads at the home of Corda, the famous Cuban photographer. The picture in the background of Che is purportedly the most published photograph ever.

Me and the Big Guy at an undisclosed location.

Some of the Habana crew at the Beach waiting for our driver to take us home so we can smoke and drink some more.

The Fools at Rix Restaurant this past July eating and drinking there way into oblivion. Guess whose the lesbian??

Me at the Annual Mensa Convention in Las Vegas, Nevada, summer of 1998.

Me and Molly at my home away from home, the Rhiga Royal breakfast buffet just weeks ago. Doesnt she look absolutely fabulicious???

Boring family pictures from the 1997 Holiday Season.

Me and my buds at the Aspen Comedy Festival in March of 1997. Im in the middle with that SHIT EATING GRIN. 

Ladykiller, thats me. 

Yours truly at the Univ of Buffalo. Some head of hair huh? 

More me in the early 90's, this time with a friend's baby in preparation of one day being a really overbearing father. I could excell at this father thing....

My dad getting wasted at a Veterans of Foreign Wars party in NYC. I seem to remember an awful lot of parties thrown while I was working there for the summer, long hair and all. Veterans of Foreign Wars do know how to party.

My mom and dad run the Boynton Beach chapter of the Hells Angels. If your looking for liquid methedrine or high powered assualt rifles, email me and I'll hook you up.

Bruce Springsteen 70's rock 'n roll God. Photo taken by yours truly, stoner photographer, at a venue in Buffalo, NY. I cant remember the name of the place but I vaguely remember an amazing concert. For bootlegs and other assorted Springsteen paraphanalia check out The Backstreets Highway. This guy is a serious fan!

------>Links to Other Good Shit<------

Househunting in Los Angeles is about as much fun as that rectal exam that comes along with my annual physical.

The Joke Page. A selection of particularly funny stuff emailed to me by my so called friends. Trust me on this one.

The Joke Page Part Deux. continues in the tradition of the original. I have personally waded through all the shitty jokes from the 47 joke mailing lists I'm on to reproduce these pearls just for you. And believe me I read alot of dreck to get you these.... Email me if you'd like to be added to my own joke mailing list.

The Onion is probably the funniest online newspaper on the internet. Major award winner. You've gotta check it out.

Twenty Questions pits you against the computer in a game of artificial intelligence.

Crime Scene Cleaners will clean the blood stains from your carpet after your weekly cult mass suicide ritual. A must for every rolodex.

Dead Celebrities Society gives you all the sick jokes you could want to hear about our recently departed famous friends. Gene Autry is the most recent entry at this writing. The guy stays current...

The Kenneth Starr Ate My Balls Page is one persons opinion of this out of control money spending piece of shit. It just so happens I agree.

Mr Showbiz's Movie Reviews provides a good resource if your planning on going to a movie and havent decided what you want to see.

E!Online rocks with reviews, news, and gossip. Shouldn't I be getting paid for this?

The Case Files of the Fake Detective gives you the skinny on all those nude celebrity photos you see on the web. Which ones are real? Check it out.

Cyber-Sleaze is a daily gossip column that pulls no punches. Its a refreshing change from E-Online and the other "corporate" entertainment webpages.

The Drudge Report likewise has a fresh and seemingly unedited opinion on whats going on not only in show business, but politics and current events as well. It also has an awesome links page to every columnist you can imagine.

Yahoo Games is the leader in multiuser online board games like poker, blackjack, chess, and bridge. They also have adventure, role playing, and strategy games but Im way too addicted to Yahoo Poker to check them out.

Acrophobia is my new favorite way to kill time on the web. Its an online word game (acronym, get it?) that pits you against other "too much time on there hands" individuals. I frequent Sugar Shack and my bud Dan has a page Shack Sweet Bytes that memorializes the folks that waste precious time along with me.

The New York Post online! How cool is that? Do you miss Page 6? Well its there for ya....

My hero, Howard Stern. Can Kenneth Keith Kallenback really blow smoke out of his eyes? Is Melrose Larry for real? Whats next, a Big Black page? Wanna see Howard's E Show the way it was meant to be, Tits and All? How about a Nicole Bass homepage? Paleeez...

Goddamn Funny Links, for the most part. Carrottop excluded.

Links for Somewhat Normal People Tho I wouldnt anticipate any of them stopping by here.

Links for Less Than Somewhat Normal People Read between the lines folks, were talkin adult links.

Well...that should keep you busy as I continue my quest for interesting things to talk about here. ENJOY!!!!!!

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