Submitted By: W.C.A.
There once was a man named Magruder
who met a girl in the nude, and he wooed her.
She thought it was crude
to be wooed in the nude,
but Magreuder was shrewd and he screwed her.
Submitted By: Andy Charlick
It was 4 a.m. when I finally hit the hay
For I had been studying all day.
But my brain turned to mush
So I bought a case of Busch
And got a hangover that wont go away.
Submitted By: Richard Amos
When a horny old man fell asleep in the sun,
the zipper on his fly somehow came undone,
He awoke with a smile,
Said, "My gosh, a sundial,
And it's not a quarter past one.
Submitted By: H. Clarke Racer
The once were two men in black suits
who had trouble controlling their poots
At lunch one finally said
As the other nodded his head
We should switch now from beans to fruits
Submitted By: Alan Israel
There once was a woman from Latch
Who jacked herself with a match
She got so excited
Then damn thing ignited
And burnt all the hair off her snatch
Submitted By: Jan Ohlund
There once was a man from Cape Horn
He wished he had never been born
He ShouldnŠt have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his french letter was torn
Submitted By: Speckle Bird
There once was a man from Istanbul
Who had some red marks on his tool
He went to the doc
Who looked at his cock
And said "Wipe off the lipstick you fool."
Submitted By: Speckle Bird
There once was a president named Bill
Who had quite a thrill
As an intern named Monica
Played like a harmonica
All over his Capitol Hill
Submitted By: Wendelina
There was once man named Penn
who said "Let us do it again,
And again and again
and again and again
and again and again and again!"
Submitted By: Frank Lucido
There once was a lady from Exeter
and the men in the street craned their necks at her
One day to be rude,
she reclined in the nude
while her parrot, a pervert, took pecks at her.
Submitted By: Jason
There once was a man named Vance,
who was well endowed in his pants,
when the ladies caught view,
they knew it was true,
and they had been put in a trance
Submitted By: John Diamantopoulos
I knew a young lady named Claire,
Who possessed a magnificent pair,
Or that's what I thought,
Till I saw one get caught,
On a thorn and begin losing air.
Submitted By: john howmans
There was a young woman from Leeds,
who swallowed a packet of seeds,
in less than an hour,
her tits were all flowers,
and her arse was covered in weeds.
Submitted By: Steve Leuthold
To her beau, said the willing young lass,
"There's only one thing that I ask:
When I am bent over
and you're in me like Rover,
please don't set your drink on my ass!".
Submitted By: Steve Leuthold
'Twas said that a SEFE named Hal
used a checklist for mounting his gal
he'd brief her, advise her,
debrief and surprise her,
then give her an oral eval
(SEFE= USAF Stan Eval Flight Examiner, or "Giver of Checkrides")
Submitted By: Diane and John
There once was a president named Bill
Who gave all the interns a thrill,
One day he did spew,
On a dress that was blue
And now his presidency is nill
Submitted By: Darrah Fry
There once was a man from Bombay
Who ate gallons of beans ev'ry day
He farted so loud,
He attracted a crowd
But the smell made them all run away.
There was once a guy from New Dheli
Who could fit fifty girls on his belly
When asked how they fit,
He said, "Tit to tit
and by gum, don't they make my nuts jelly."
Submitted By: BAK2RAK BOB
We once knew a girl from Lake Forest
Who had a GIGANTIC clitoris
Now this may sound dumb,
But whenever we'd come
She'd already been there before us.
Submitted By: Lorraine Sheldon
The main message of The Wife of Bath's Tale (by Chaucer):
There once was a knight who defiled
a young maiden's virtue and pride.
But let it be known
that is you rape someone
You'll get a hot chick as your bride.
Submitted By: sjh
There once was a girl called Billie,
Who liked to suck Troy's willy,
When Lisa told her off
Bill' gave an almighty cough...
Then she kicked Lisa's slats in the filly.
Submitted By: john loughery
There once was a fellow named Ernie
who's profession was pushing a gurney
from hospital room
to the morgue and its gloom
was this Ernie's favorite journey.
Submitted By: john loughery
Honestly it's not water I'm duckin'
while gallons of beer I may suck in
the source of my fear
is perfectly clear
I don't drink that which fish like to fuck in.
Submitted By: Raceway
Frisky in bed as a colt
Was youthful ace golfer Tom Bolt
But after his lay up
He'd come in a small cup
Driving his wife to revolt.
I like just a tad of asymmetry
It adds to a breast a sublimity...
A little more heft
Right tit or left
I enjoy with bemused equanimity.
She wasn't too bold, not too willing
And she did stare a lot at the ceiling...
But once with this rogue
She put down her vogue
And said, "That was mod'rately thrilling."
A gorgeous young girl, Dominique
Had a pussy like milky Lalique,
'Twas lovely and pale,
That creamy soft vale,
And displayed at a glazier's boutique.
A man with a very long foreskin
Said, "Doc, I'll be needing some more skin..."
So they did a quick graft
'Pon the head of his shaft,
He's now in the Book of Folklore Skins.
Submitted By: Kylie
There was a chicken farmer from Hay,
Who found his hens wouldn't lay;
The trouble was Brewster,
His champion rooster;
You see, Brewster the rooster was gay!
Submitted By: Fritti Tailchaser
There once was a man named Chang,
Who had an incredible wang.
He was tallented too.
For all night he could screw.
And the girls his praises all sang.
Submitted By: William Schroeder
Up in Redmond sits wealthy Bill Gates,
Who is richer than all fifty states.
Janet Reno is jealous
And overly zealous,
'Cause Bill never asked her for dates.
Loony Limericks / webmaster@loonies.zzn.com / revised November 1998