Submitted By: Bluebird
The drugs that we take when we're ailin'
Have alternate names for retailin':
Tylenol's Acetaminophen,
Advil is Ibuprophen
And Viagra is Mycoxafailin.
Submitted By: eden's pepsi
There was a young gay man from Shank
whose dick got so hot that it shrank
he couldn't believe it
he cut it, relieved it
and sold the next day to a skank
Submitted By: Anton
There once was a guy with a joke
whose compensation required a poke
So he shouts to all dames see
who thaught they could tame me
I'm like Ali in the rope-a-dope
Submitted By: Carterchaz
There was a young lady so slim
Who had such a very large cwm. **
It wasn't the size
That attracted the flies,
But the crystallized cum on the rim.
** This is pronounced "quim" and is Welsh for valley Wonderbumb.
Submitted By: Robert Holtz
I once knew a fair young lass
Her body was made out of glass
You could look down her throat
And from there you could not
Her anatomy right down to her ass
Submitted By: MIke Boston
There once was a girl named Karen
That proved to all she was darin'
She jumped on a log
Got humped by a frog
And now all her warts they're a flarin'
Submitted By: Ahab
A young girl from South Carolina
Place fiddle strings 'cross her vagina
What, with proper sized cocks
once was sex, became Bach's
Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor
Submitted By: Christopher
An onanist by name of Pickett
Strokes himself while playing cricket...
He squirts on the bails,
It just never fails,
With Pickett, it's sticky, that wicket.
I write while still screwing Annette,
A ravishing, sexy brunette...
"Oh come! Oh please do!"
"I insist, after you..."
The dilemma of sex etiquette!
I shared with a track star my hash
But for sex she demanded hard cash
We settled on price,
I was done in a trice,
She said, "You must sprint in the dash."
Miss Vanderbilt screwed twenty goats
(On their prowess she fervently dotes)
When she was through,
She had a cold brew,
And wrote them all nice thank-you notes.
Submitted By: Christopher
My horny old aunt, Antoinette,
Inspected me through her lorgnette...
"Your prick's unsurpassed!
I must take a cast!
It'll make such a fine statuette."
Had I shot her in ninety and one,
When I caught her with Steve and his son,
She'd be dead for more years...
I'd be quaffing my beers,
'Cause parole I'd already have won.
A frisky young maid named Jeanette
Married an old baronet...
His prick made her laugh
So with butler and staff
She made up a sexy sextet.
The lord of the manor, Sir Stoat,
Suffered from terminal bloat...
He exploded one day..
They found balls in the hay
And part of his scrote in the moat.
Submitted By: Christopher
Hill woke up Bill, a cheap shot...
"I' just going to squat on the pot."
"You're going for a pee?
Why alert me?"
"I want you to save me my spot!"
A saggy old matron named Dot
Just sighed as her nipples got hot...
But her tits were adroop
In her clam chowder soup,
So she tied them both up in a knot.
In Shreveport they make a fine stew,
A cultural dish it is true...
They cook up roadkill
With a sprinkling of dill...
It's Chili con Carnage to you!
I'm the very best cook of the group,
I can poach, I can scoop cantaloupe,
I can also roast beef,
Without any grief,
But I'm damned if I'm gonna pee soup!
Submitted By: Christopher
An alluring but cranky au pair
Was arrested for lethal child care...
The kid was a pain
So she opened his vein,
But swears that he tripped on a stair.
A cannibal chef from Botswana
Said, "Oh it would be sheer Nirvana,
If only I could,
In full babyhood,
Saute an hors d'oeuvre from Montana."
Cogito, Ergo and Sum
Got Rene and his gal a room
When he sat down to cogitate,
She started to masturbate
And invited him up to her womb.
As a king he is fiendishly droll,
The monarch called Merry Old Cole...
His favorite wish
Is to mate with a fish,
So at dinner we never choose sole.
Submitted By: larry brown
There once was a man from McBride,
Who could fart whenever he tried,
At a contest he blew two thousand and two,
Then shit and was disqualified.
Submitted By: Raceway
La Belle Dame sans Merci.....the True Story
"Oh what's all this ailing, armed Knight?
Loitering paley's not right!
Fuck the sedge and the lake
And that mute bird forsake,
Just tell me about your sad plight."
"I met a neat chick in the Meads...
I set her on one of my steeds..
She made a sweet moan,
Which stiffened my bone,
While I made her a garland of weeds."
"This moaning went on all day long,
While giving me glances sidelong...
'Said she'd relish my root,
Add some honey to boot,
And swore that she'd do me no wrong."
"We finally got to her grotto
(By then on that dew I was blotto)...
She started to bawl,
I could sense a long haul
Ere my prick and her cunt were legato."
"All those sighs and that kissing, a bore!
I just about left through her door,
But she lulled me to sleep
That tease of a creep!
I dreamt she enthralled me, that whore!"
"So you see here a horny young Knight,
Who sojourns with tale all too trite...
Should have focused on twat,
In that damn elfin grot,
And screwed her with all of my might!"
Submitted By: Tom Henry
A nudist resort in Benaires
Took a midget in unawares
But he made members weep
For he just couldn't keep
His nose out of private affairs.
Submitted By: Toni Owens
There once was a man named McLaren
Whose wife was thought to be barren.
If he had of known
The fault was his own
His youth would of been much more darin'.
Submitted By: Chuck Cochems
There one was a feminist, doris.
Who married a chauvinist, Boris.
He made an improvement,
she gave up the movement.
When she found she had a clitoris.
Submitted By: Juan Watterson
There was a young man from Calcutta,
Who peeped through a hole in a shutter,
But all he could see,
Was his wife's bare knee,
And the arse of the man who was up her.
Submitted By: Brio
I once met a girl called Miss Bish
Who had habits like tropical fish
She would fasten her lips
Close to ones hips
And swallow ones cum in small sips
Submitted By: Adrian Fox
There once was a clergyman's daughter,
Who detested the pony he bought her,
Till she found that his dong,
was as hard and as long,
As the prayers her father had tought her
wait, there's more!
She married a fellow named Tony,
Who soon caught her f***ing the pony,
He cried, "What's 'e got,
My dear, that I've not?!"
She sighed, "Just a yard long bologna."
Submitted By: Hayley
There was an old man from the Nile
Who's behavior was awfully vile
he'd pick at his nose with two of his toes
then belch very loud and smile
Submitted By: brakoo
There was a young girl named Joan
She went to the dentist's alone
In a fit of depravity
He filled the wrong cavity
And now she nurses the filling at home
Submitted By: Mike Forth
Said Lewinsky "All right - I've confessed
Though I'll use 'Bill's defence' - it's the best
I will say 'I was silly
to play with Bill's willy'
- but I sucked and I didn't ingest"
Submitted By: Brio
A belly dancer called Wendy
Aspired to being modern and trendy
To a chorus of yells
She removed all seven veils
Driving her fans to a frenzy
Submitted By: Wesley Brown
There was a young man from the cape,
Who tried to make love to an ape.
The ape said "Stop it you fool,
You're bending your tool,
And pushing my arse out of shape."
Loony Limericks / webmaster@loonies.zzn.com / revised September 1998