Submitted By: Arpan Chakravorty
There was a woman named Jenny
Whose usual charge was a penny
For half the sum
You could rub off her bum
A source of amusement to many
Submitted By: Mark C
A girl to her boyfriend did mock,
"Just look at the shape of your cock,
Is it because you are queer
Or those ten pints of beer
That the big hand is at six O'clock."
Submitted By: H. Aeckerle
A horny young lady, Miss Barrett
was caught by her mom in the garret,
she was pushing a diamond
clear up to her hymen
& ramming it home with a carrot.
Submitted By: Mariah
Little Jack Horner sat in a corner
F@!#ing this cutie pie
stuck in his thumb
made the b@#ch cum and said
"hell of a lad am I!"
Submitted By: Myles Miller
There once was a comic named Pee Wee
Whose member had the shape of a kiwi
He learned that day
when the cops took him away
That his kiwi could do more than wee-wee
Submitted By: Your Web Form
there once was a man named mc Nab
it seems he had the crabs
he shaved under his dick
he grabbed an ice pick
and then he went stab stab stab.
Submitted By: Becca
Theres once was a guy named Joe.
His best friend's name was Poe.
The lived together,
In warm and cold weather,
And now they have a son named Moe.
Submitted By: Willie
There was once a man named McNair
who tried to intercourse with a bear
that nasty ole brute
took a swipe at his root
and left McNair with one ball and a hair.
Submitted By: Dino
There once was a whore in the school
Who thought that it would be cool
To go out and get it
Screwing teachers for credit
What a f***ed up fool
Submitted By: Train leaves
There once was a genie with a ten foot wiener
And he showed it to the lady next door
She thought it was a snake
And hit it with a rake
And now its only five-foot-four
Submitted By: Mike Brown
There was an old woman of old
Who met a young man quite bold
When she asked, "Why you choose me?"
He replied, "Because lady,
There's simply more of you to hold.
Submitted By: Dale the whale
A sexy young girl from Cape Cod
Had to carry her breasts in a hod
Her shape was perfection
and caused many erection
But when she bent over, MY GOD!
Submitted By: Jack Atherton
Viagramormoniaism, by Jack Atherton
A Mormon who moved west to Reno,
Lost his fortune at poker and Keno.
He ran out of luck
And lost his last buck
While drinking some doctored up Vino.
So he married a 21 dealer,
Who was also a very fine peeler.
They moved to Niagra,
And peddled bogus Viagra
To Veterans and surviving New Dealers.
They found profitable professions,
Giving old farts penile erections.
And the company Pfizer,
Was never the wiser,
Despite all the phony prescriptions.
Submitted By: Amy Wright
There once was a fellow named latex
who invented a way to have safe sex.
Put a bag on your dick,
any girl you can stick.
But first you must remove the playtex.
Submitted By: Mary Day
While Titian was mixing Rose Madder,
His model was perched on a ladder.
Her sultry position
Inspired coition,
So he nipped up the ladder and had 'er!
Submitted By: George Hartman
There once was a man with a penis disease
When confronted by women he'd get on his knees
He was quite the lover
But allergic to rubber
So he'd beg "can we sixty-nine, PLEASE?!!"
Submitted By: George "Demon-Dick" Hartman
A religious man drowned in a puddle of semen
His dick was possessed by a horrible demon
He'd shoot acid cum
On all the crumb bums
When people saw this they'd run screamin'
Submitted By: Roy Libby
In a tub full of jello we'll grope.
For what jiggles or wiggles we'll cope.
Then we'll discover
when you have a lover,
your bodies cum cleaner less soap.
I'm here to show I'm no dupe!
I know what to do with this goop:
When you've a vixen,
just add some friction,
and you can turn jello to soup.
To jello add melons to squeeze,
and cherry red lips wide to please.
In the end comes a stream
of pressurized cream:
Fruit salad to eat from the knees.
(Wrote as caption to an Email card)
Submitted By: Wes Plaisance
Contest Requirements: To use the names Lewinsky and Kaczynsky in a limerick
Entry # 1
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
on this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Entry # 2
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
Entry # 3
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
what Kaczynski must surely have known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice to be blown.
Submitted By: Sailor Moon
Men are always concerned with size
They always try to cover up with lies
But when Titanic came along
It said, "Size matters and ain't wrong."
Hell, now all they DO is rise!
Submitted By: Sailor Moon
There once was a young boy named Tommy
Who got caught in a giant tsunami
When his mom got horny
After seeing some porny
The poor kid screamed,"No, Mommy!!!"
Submitted By: Sailor Moon
The old woman who lived in her Shoe
Found a new man she wanted to screw
She said, "Let us Fuck!"
He said, "You must suck!"
Well, this story, is terribly, true....
Submitted By: Bob McCrack
There once was a horny guy from France,
Who loved to screw frogs in his pants,
He kept going and blowing,
Keeping those frogs from knowing,
He really was in a permanent trance.
Submitted By: Rob Bertholf
There once was a lady from Glee
Who was raped by an ape in a tree.
The result was quite horrid,
all ass and no forehead,
six balls and a purple goatee.
Submitted By: Stu Killian
There once was a guy named McSweeney
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
So just to be couth
He added vermouth
And then gave his girl a martini
Submitted By: william schroeder
An elderly roue named Clyde
Took an an eighteen year old as a bride
They took the old lecher
Out on a stretcher
But as he left he was smiling with pride
Loony Limericks / webmaster@loonies.zzn.com / revised July 1998