Submitted By: Shy-Girl
A gentle old lady I knew
Was dozing one day in her pew;
When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
She said,"Count me in!
As soon as the service is through!"
There was an old maiden named Grissing
Who discovered what she had been missing.
When she laid down on the sod,
She cried out,"Oh,Dear God!
All these years I just used it for pissing!"
There was an old man named Ringer,
Was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"Now,I've got it in."
She said,"You mean that's not your finger?"
There was a young lady from Cheshire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire
She said,"It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
Submitted By: Bob Kahn
There once was a fellow named Skinner,
Who took a lady to dinner to winner,
At half-passed nine,
They started to dine,
At half-passed ten, it was inner.
The dinner was inner,
Skinner was inner before dinner!!
Submitted By: Jeff
The hygienic young miss from out west
Ask the cowboy who sat on her chest
"Will cum cause decay?"
No m'am I've heard say
It's the secret ingredient of Crest
Submitted By: Dennis Burnett
There once was a man named frisk
Whose stroke was exceedingly brisk
So fast was his action
That the lorenze contraction
Turned his tool into a disk
NOTE: the lorenze contraction is the shortening of the length of an object along it's axis of motion when traveling at near light speed.
Submitted By: pru meuli
there once was a man from china
who wasn't a very good climber
he slipped on a rock
and broke his cock
and now he's got a vagina
Submitted By: PAUL
There was a young woman of Croft
who played with herself in the loft
having reasoned that candles
could never cause scandals
besides which they never go soft.
Submitted By: Tim Bays
There was a young sailor named Fred.
He once took a mermaid to bed.
He said, to be blunt,
"I can't find your cunt,
so why don't you blow me, instead!"
Submitted By: Charlie
A fellow from out near Pike's peak,
Stood up in a large crowd to speak,
Got a tear in his eye,
When he noticed his fly,
Had been opened since he last took a leak.
Submitted By: Stephen Carter
There once was a naval cadet
who's dreams where usually wet
when dream't of his wedding
he soaked up the bedding
and the wedding aint taken place yet!!!
Submitted By: Roger Clendening II
There was a young lady of Wheeling
Who claimed to lack sexual feeling.
Then, a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris.
She had to be scraped from the ceiling.
Submitted By: Roger Morris
Two limericks from "Down Under":
Please pity the Duchess of Kent!
Her pussy's so dreadfully bent
That the poor wench doth stammer
"I need a sledgehammer
To pound a man into my vent".
There was a young lady of Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
One was even so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
Submitted By: FRAN
The first verse is an old one. Succeeding verses are original. I wrote 'em. Hope you like it.
There was an old hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said "I admit
I'm a bit of a shit
But think of the money I save".
Well the Mayor of the town took the floor
Said "his actions we simply deplore -
That old hermit named Dave
With the whore in the cave,
We can't tolerate this anymore."
The poor girl named Nell, has to go
But it raises a problem, I know
When Dave needs to screw
Just what will he do,
When he's horny and ain't got no dough?
So the townfolk all chipped in a buck
Even those who were down on their luck.
To get poor old Dave
From that stinking old cave
Into town for a really good f***
They went to see Dave the next day
And said they were willing to pay
One hundred a week
If only he'd seek
A live whore he wanted to lay.
Dave liked their offer real well
And said he would bury dead Nell
In a hole in the ground
And put flowers all around.
Besides, she had started to smell.
Then he found him a Nympho, named Grace.
For a hundred she'd move to his place.
One day they found Dave
Stone cold dead in his cave
With a beautiful smile on his face.
Submitted By: Phil Chase
There was a girl from Lop Nor
who unfortunately couldn't score.
To please her socket,
she mounted a rocket
and came with a colossal roar
Submitted By: Pat Bents
Here's a story, limerickanized!
There once was a science teacher
Who's father's job was a preacher
She'd give out her thesis
While preaching of Jesus
And how God created all creatures
That teacher, she had broken a rule
You can't teach religion in school
She lost her job
And without a sob
She challenged her boss to a duel
She took the case to a judge
But the court just wouldn't budge
She was good in her schooling
She hated the ruling
So she gave her boss the nudge
She was tried and convicted for murder
And was placed behind the steel girders
Of a state prison
For teachin' religion
And that murder most certainly hurt her
And that's the rest of my story
For the rest is really quite boring
You'd find it real crude
And terribly rude
And you might fall asleep, and start snoring!
Submitted By: Mike Hurley
There once was a man from Franzini,
Who spilled some Gin on his weenie,
Not being uncouth,
He added Vermouth,
And slipped his date a Martini!
Submitted By: Robert
There once was a fair young lass
Her body was made out of glass
From there you could note
What went on in her throat
and all the way down to her ass.
Submitted By: Charles Gail
An original limerick:
All men seem to be one of a kind
They'll make love just for fun, but you'll find
Women are not just about
To consider it without
Some ulterior motive in mind.
Submitted By: mike harris
There was a young barmaid at sail
Tattooed on her chest the price of Ale
And on her behind
For the the blind
the same, but in brail
Submitted By: M. Ostrander
There once was a lady from France,
who decided she'd just take a chance.
So she let herself go
for an hour or so,
and now all her sisters are aunts!!
Submitted By: mike
there was a young girl from Hong Kong
who said "you are utterly wrong"
to say my vagina's
the biggest in china
just because of your mean little dong
There was a teenager named Donna
who never said no, I dont wanna
two days out of three
she'd shoot LSD
and on weekends, she smoked marijuana
there was a young man named dave
who kept a dead whore in a cave
he said what the hell,
you get used to the smell
and think of the money I save
there was a young girl from Seville
who used dynamite for her thrill
they found here vagina
in North Carolina
and parts of her tits in Brazil
there once was a girl from Nantucket
who crossed the sea in a bucket
and when she got there
they asked for the fare
so she pulled up her dress and said fuck it
Submitted By: Henry Mucha
There was a man from Madras,
Who fucked a young girl in the grass.
But the hot Spanish sun
Spoiled half his fun
By burning the skin on his ass !
Submitted By: Marc Monroe
There once was a man from Bel Air.
He wanted to fuck a bear.
He pulled down his pants,
He began to romance,
Now he has one ball and some hair.
There once was a lad from the sea.
He fucked a baboon in a tree.
The result was quite horrid,
All ass and no forehead,
Four balls and a purple goatee.
Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
He was blown down the street by a rocket.
The force of the blast
Blew his balls up his ass,
And his pecker was found in his pocket.
There once was a harlot named Leeza
Who said, "If my cunt doesn't please ya,
You can cum
In my slimy old bum,
Just be careful the tapeworm don't seize ya".
There once was a woman from France
Who got on the bus in a trance.
Six passengers fucked her,
Besides the conductor,
And the driver shot twice in his pants.
There once was a princess of Saboda.
She built an erotic pagoda.
The walls of its halls
Are festooned with the balls
And the tools of the fools that bestrode her.
To his bride, said the lynx-eyed detective,
"Could it be that my eyesight is defective?
Has your east tit the least bit
Bested the west tit,
Or is it a trick of perspective?".
There once was a fellow named Sweeney.
His girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch to her snatch
Had a catch that would latch--
She could only be screwed by Houdini.
Submitted By: Henry Mucha
The office of oral surgeon Dr. Rob Guild
Was next to that of gynecologist Dr. Bob Gild.
One day, a new patient of Rob's, Ms. Blake
Entered the wrong office by mistake
Was asked to undress, did so, and said, "I need 2 pulled and 1 filled".
Submitted By: Mrugnstutrpu Nininstrade
There was a boy named Roy,
who married the queen of Troy.
Oh! What a dame;
she put him to shame,
by fiddling with his little toy!
Submitted By: Rozee
There once was a Queen of Bulgaria
whose bush had grown hairy and hairier
'Til a Prince from Peru
Came up for a screw
had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier!
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Loony Limericks / firstname.lastname@example.org / revised October 1997