Naughty Limericks

Page 30

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Submitted By: Don
There once was a girl from New York
whose vagina was plugged with a cork.
To remove it she fingered,
but still the cork lingered.
So she got it out with a fork.

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Submitted By: Ed
There once was a girl from Manila,
who had a face that looked like Godzilla.
She could screw you real fine,
while swinging from a vine,
and give you head just like a gorilla.

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Submitted By: Don
There once was a girl from Tucker
Who wanted a canary to pluck her
She tightly squeezed her "Vaginer"
But it flew up her "Hiner"
And was killed by a runnaway trucker

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Submitted By: mike
There was a young man from Stroud,
Who was feeling his date in a crowd,
When a man up in front,
went," Sniff, sniff, Cunt!"
Just like that, not loud.

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Submitted By: Burtie
There was a young man from Peru
who lived off pox droppings and spew
when he couldn't get this
he ate shit and drank piss
and he looked fucking well on it too

there was a young girl from East Cheam
who crept into the vestry unseen
she took down her knickers
and likewise the vicar's
and said "how about it old bean".

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Submitted By: Mike Young
There once was a boy named ali
He took all the girls with glee
But when they unzipped his fly
he wanted to die
cuz his wee was the size of a flea

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Submitted By: Mike Young
There once was a girl named Robyn
every night her bed was a bobbin'
the men would take leave
after being quite pleased
and leave Robyn with her body a throbbin'

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Submitted By: Daniel Kelley
long ago once in ancient Japan
was a geisha who dressed as a man
her pants were so tight
that they rubbed her just right
when she walked you might say that she ran

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Submitted By: Don Seemer
A masturbating gourmand from Hanoi
With a tool that resembled Bok Choi
What came in his hand
Looked like Moo Goo Gai Pan
So he garnished it with duck sauce and soy

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Submitted By: Ed Kinney
The bishop one Sunday, in the lurch
After eating a pound of spoiled perch
Emitted a blast
In the middle of mass
That extinguished all the candles in church

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Submitted By: Griff
A strapping fellow from Australia
After his fortnightly bacchanalia
Buggered a dog
Three mice and a frog
And a bishop in fullest regalia

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Submitted By: Shaun
My tool, it was a throbbin'
and I needed a knobbin'
but being at work
I weren't free to jerk
so I dreamed of Carole's head bobbin'

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Submitted By: Speckle Bird
There once was a young idler named Blood
Made a fortune performing at stud
With a fifteen-inch peter
A double-beat metre
And a load like the Biblical Flood

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Submitted By: Speckle Bird
I think the feeling is grand
Of holding my gland in my hand
But what I really want to do
Is become Johnny Apple-goo
And spread my seed all over the land

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Submitted By: Don
There once was a man from Manila
who lived with 5 girls in a villa.
When they'd go to bed
they loved giving head
cause he'd soak it all day in vanilla.

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Submitted By: C.O.JONES
The tale of the chef from France
A victim of drunk circumstance
Though he burned the baguette
What he lived to regret
Was the loaf that he pinched in his pants

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Submitted By: C.O.JONES
The inventor from India said
"I made a turbin from butter instead!"
To the Punjab's surprise
When his pancakes arrived
They served them on top of his head

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Submitted By: c.o.jones
All c.o.jones submissions are original!

'Tis a legend in all of Madras
The lass with the breasts of glass
In a sad twist of fate
She fought with her mate
And they smashed when she fell on her ass

Of the indian man Sanjay
Who ate too much curry one day
Though he crapped in Bopahl
It is said by them all
That it stunk all the way to Bombay!

The legend of Indian Chief Eno
Said "thank God they don't know what we know...
Don't fight the white man
Just give 'em the land
Fuck 'em, we'll start a casino!!"

The overweight lady named Tammy
Fell in the ochestra pit in Miami
All of the brass
Went straight up her ass
She farted, and she won a Grammy!!

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Submitted By: Scott Amsden
An alien cam down here from Venus.
Not a girl, but a guy (had a penis).
With three eyes in between,
Pointed ears that were green.
He was obviously not of our Genus.

He landed at old Johnson's farm.
An arrival that caused some alarm
To old Johnson's daughter.
Who thought if he caught her.
He might want to cause her some harm

Now our alien wasn't too bright.
He forgot to bring something to light
The night and his way
Through the field filled with hay
Took a left instead of a right.

Now things didn't turn out like they aughter
He did not meet up with the daughter
Instead he found Bessie
And now things get messy.
He not only found her but caught her.

"My Dear you have beautiful eyes!"
"Big and brown like Venutian Creme Pies"
"I can't wait to show mother
Your soft silky utter."
(You're going to be such a surprise.)

From behind the clouds came the moon,
As the alien continued to spoon.
And old Johnson's girl
Let the curtains unfurl
To a scene that made her heart swoon.

See the alien was wearing no frock
And Ms. Johnson was given a shock
She believed not her eyes
For there 'tween his thighs
Was an 18 inch glowing green cock.

And so to the steps she alighted.
There were things she just knew must be righted
Tell this guy with the cow
Just exactly how
With her he'd be truly delighted.

continued...

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Submitted By: Scott Amsden
She ran through the field up to him.
Stuck her hand out and said "My name's Kim"
And you sir are hot
Look here what I got
For you. It's a seldom used quim.

"I'm sorry deary but right now.
I am currently courting this cow."
The alien said
Then Kim nearly dropped dead
(Oh my god he just licked his eye brow)

Now Kim was determined as ever
To succeed in this lustful endeavor
And spend the whole night
In the blissful delight.
She was sure the alien would deliver.

She was sure he'd see Bess was a dud.
Just standing there chewing her cud.
It soon became plain
His lust she'd not gain.
Cause he started in pounding his pud.

But it was the last thing that she saw
That for Kim was the camel's last straw
The alien's tongue
Licked Bess's bung
And a smile split the alien's maw.

Oh Bessie my dear let's make haste
To Venus there's no time to waste
That taste oh..oh my!
Venutian creme pie!
And to the space ship the two raced.

Into the welkin they shot
Leaving poor Kim really hot
For and 18 inch dick
And a tongue oh so quick
So she laid down and played with her twat.

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Submitted By: Chrys and Britt
There once was a girl named Spears
Who wanted to enlarge her brassieres
she went to get it
and yup you bet it
now its timblerlake and Spears

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Submitted By: Phil McCracken
There once was a man from Lancaster
who, while eating, befell a disaster
his bowels, well loaded
swelled up and exploded
and filled his nice knickers with plaster

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Submitted By: Don
There once was a girl from Kentucky
who considered herself quite lucky.
She'd unzip the fly
of just any old guy
and never found one that was yucky

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Submitted By: David Halliday
I'm Darwin, I had an erection
Of several square inches cross-section
So I set out to screw
Every Duchess I knew
In the interest of natural selection

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Submitted By: Les
The Queen and the Duke were dismayed,
to find Andy and Koo had once played.
As for Charlie and Ed,
well, enough has been said
'bout the damsels that they might have layed.

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Mail Box Loony Limericks / webmaster@loonies.zzn.com / revised March 2001