Dad's . . . in Orbit
You've heard that having a babychanges your life--but who knew it left couples withtwo different views of the universe? A his-and-hers guide to the first-year milestones.
THE BIRTH
Mom's View
The longest 12 hours of her life. Alone in a dark jungle of pain, she barely notices the baby, much less the spouse. She thinks he may have fainted.
Dad's View
The greatest experience of his life. Demonstrating strength, sensitivity, and fabulous coaching skills, he practically delivers the baby himself.
THE MOMENT OF BONDING
Mom's View
Takes place immediately after birth, when baby is placed on her chest and gazes at her (nipple) longingly.
Dad's View
Takes place at three months, when baby first fits into miniature White Sox uniform and is found to bear a striking resemblance to Carlton Fisk.
THE HOSPITAL
Mom's View
Sleeps.
Dad's View
Phones 17 relatives, buys cigars, receives important instructions and compliments from attractive young candy stripers.
THE FIRST NIGHT HOME
Mom's View
Feeds baby at midnight, 1:15, 2:45, 4:00, and 6:00 a.m. In between, walks baby and weeps.
Dad's View
Sleeps.
THE MATERNAL GRANDMOTHER ARRIVES
Mom's View
Cries with relief and bonds more closely with her mother than ever before.
Dad's View
Plays 72 holes of golf.
THE PATERNAL GRANDMOTHER ARRIVES
Mom's View
Returns to full-time baby care and renewed postpartum depression.
Dad's View
Spends many quality hours with mother, comparing sleeping baby to infant pictures of self. Notes that spouse is strangely out of sorts.
THE DIAPERS
Mom's View
Ten, on a good day.
Dad's View
The what?
THE LACK OF SLEEP
Mom's View
Weeps.
Dad's View
Learns to prop sharp pencil under leg during long afternoon meetings so that when muscles relax into dozing state, a prick of pain wakes him up.
THE SCHEDULE
Mom's View
Has none. Begins to wonder whether there really is such a thing as life after maternity leave.
Dad's View
Suddenly finds office tasks piling up in late afternoon, necessitating that he work overtime. Does not relate this to baby's 6:00 p.m. "hell hour."
THE FIRST NIGHT OUT: BEFORE
Mom's View
Pumps two bottles of milk before satisfying self that baby will not starve, interviews three teenagers before choosing a sitter, tries on six dresses before finding one that zips.
Dad's View
Comes home half an hour early.
THE FIRST NIGHT OUT: DURING
Mom's View
Unaccustomed to wine during dinner, falls asleep halfway through movie.
Dad's View
Thrilled to have his life back, barely notices wife's inertia.
THE FIRST NIGHT OUT: AFTER
Mom's View
Peeling self out of dress, leaking milk, and feeling slightly drunk, falls asleep before Dad has taken sitter home.
Dad's View
Weeps.
THE BABY SLEEPS THROUGH THE NIGHT
Mom's View
After first uninterrupted night's sleep in months, wakes at 8:00 a.m. and literally does not know where she is or, in fact, who she is.
Dad's View
After sleeping through approximately 109 nighttime feedings, wakes at 2:00, 5:00, and 6:00 a.m. to check on baby.
THE FIRST BIRTHDAY
Mom's View
Papers dining room in "Sesame Street" paraphernalia, invites 14 close friends to watch baby smear chocolate cake on highchair.
Dad's View
Commits entire two-hour extravaganza to video.
THE DAY AFTER
Mom's View
Shows spouse results of recent home pregnancy test.
Dad's View
Weeps.
©Karen N. Kilson