Release Date: October 6, 2004
Starring: Jimmy Fallon, Queen Latifah, Gisele Bundchen, Jennifer Esposito, Henry Simmons
Directed by: Tim Story
Written by: Ben Garant, Thomas Lennon, Jim Kouf
Distributed by: 20th Century Fox Films
MPAA Rating: PG-13 (language, sensuality, brief violence)
About halfway through Taxi, a terrible and almost entirely laugh-free action comedy directed by Tim Story, somebody tells Officer Washburn, the New York cop played by Jimmy Fallon, that he’s an idiot. At least I’m pretty sure that the comment was directed at Washburn. But I would not be surprised to learn that it was really meant for Fallon, who apparently gave up a choice gig on TV’s “Saturday Night Live” to peddle fourth-rate, recycled schlock like this on the big screen.
Taxi pairs Washburn with Belle (Queen Latifah), a newly minted cabbie whose standard-issue Ford Crown Victoria has been souped-up like one of the street racers from The Fast and the Furious or some other Vin Diesel movie. When Washburn, who has lost his driver license because he’s a terrible driver (not to mention a terrible cop), commandeers Belle’s cab in the pursuit of a gang of armed robbers, the partnership is set.
It turns out that the thieves are actually Brazilian lingerie models, led by the leggy, miniskirted Vanessa (Gisele Bundchen, a Victoria’s Secret model, who hopefully hasn’t quit her day job). This is one of about 60 or 70 gags that fall flat in a movie that wouldn’t know comedy if it was written in block letters on the side of the Empire State Building.
The movie does know ethnic stereotypes, because all the bad guys are foreigners: In addition to the Brazilian bank robbers, there’s also a bunch of Cubans who are involved in some kind of phone card scam, and at the end of the movie, Washburn appears undercover as a ridiculous parody of a Russian mobster. But it also has curious ambitions to upend the genre’s typical gender roles. The gung-ho Belle has an obsessive, nagging boyfriend (Henry Simmons), and Washburn, who isn’t exactly the picture of masculinity, takes orders from his domineering lieutenant, played by Jennifer Esposito.
It actually took three different screenwriters (Ben Garant, Thomas Lennon, and Jim Kouf, who essentially copied the screenplay from Luc Besson’s 1999 movie of the same name, and then made it dumber) to come up with this, although experienced moviegoers know that the number of writers is inversely proportional to the laugh quotient. The more a comedy’s script gets worked over, the worse it gets.
For instance: many jokes run on far too long, like a gag involving Washburn’s mother (Ann-Margret), an alcoholic who embarrasses her son and offers to make margaritas for anyone who wanders into her apartment. Or a scene in which Washburn and Belle, in the midst of a getaway, get trapped in a storage closet and end up breathing nitrous oxide fumes, so they start taaaaaallllking reeeeaalllllyyy slllllooowwww. Because talking really slow is funny, see.
Other scenes just aren’t funny at all, like the one that introduces Belle’s reckless behavior on the road: A businessman jumps into the back of her cab, throws a $100 bill at her, and tells her to get to J.F.K. in 15 minutes. This she does, taking corners at high speeds and weaving in and out of Manhattan traffic while he bounces around the back seat like a pinball. Then he gets out of the cab at the airport and pukes into a garbage can. Except there’s no puke. Just the puke noise. Because puke noises are funny, see.
The one barely redeeming quality of Taxi is that it has some good chase scenes, except this is like saying the one barely redeeming quality of Saddam Hussein is that he has a nice mustache, because they’re such a small part of the whole. And not only is it nearly impossible to film a bad chase scene, but you know that once the car chases end, you’ll be stuck with the same crummy buddy comedy featuring two actors who don’t have one lead performance in either of their careers combined.
I guess I can’t really fault Hollywood for trying, though. After all, when Rush Hour worked, and The Rundown worked, you can maybe see why Taxi seemed like a sure bet. But nothing could be further from the truth. Save your money, and hail a different cab.
-- Craig Roush (craigroush@hotmail.com)