|
"Couples Counseling: when to go, what to know."
As a relationship therapist, I know all too well how hard it can be for men and women to seek professional help when problems
arise. But in my experience, those who do get therapy find it's well worth the effort. Counseling can help couples overcome
obstacles that routinely prevent us from resolving our differences. And finding the right therapist could improve your relationship
in ways you never imagined. If you're considering counseling, think about the following:
See The Benefits
Here are a few reasons why reaching out for help is worth it. Counseling keeps problems from escalating. You've been
stewing for days about something that ticked you off, yet he's barely noticed. So when he makes an offhand comment that puts
you over the edge, you lash out. Many couples replay these same scenes for years. Once these negative behavior patterns
become habits, they're nearly impossible to reverse. Seeking professional help sooner rather than later means fewer episodes
of verbal sparring, noncommunication, indifference and acting out.
It reveals your best side. Your stint on the counseling couch will be intense at times. As you faithfully explore issues
you've avoided for so long, you demonstrate your willingness to invest in the relationship, which can sustain you through
any momentary bumps in your marriage.
Start The Process
The right adviser for you is the one who has both the expertise to help, as well as the chemistry (personality, therapeutic
style and values) that feels like a good mach for you and your mate. Be prepared to shop around before making a final decision.
The best starting place is...people you know and trust...who have had a positive experience in marriage counseling. In most
cases, letting family members weigh in is a bad move. It can invite them to take sides with you or your mate.
Also check professional associations.
Call the counselors on your referral list and be ready to give them a concise three sentence description of your specific
concerns. Inquire about logistics like fees and schedules, as well as any other questions you may have. If you like what
you hear, consider scheduling an initiial session where you, your mate and the therapist can determine whether you're a good
fit. Arrange preliminary sessions with your top two or three candidates before making your final choice.
A word of advice: Don't expect instant results; it takes time to see progress. But the pride you'll feel, knowing that
you've taken a proactive role in maintaining your mariage, will be well worth it. Without a doubt, being in therapy is sure
to challenge you, but it will also fortify you with incredible hope.
Get Your Man To Go
Will your guy buy into couples counseling? He will if you approach it with finesse. Men gravitate toward places whre
they think they'll be met with great approval, and avoid places where they won't. His head is probably telling him that therapy,
with its focus on talking and emotions, is a feminine endeavor stacked in your favor, and he can expect to be called out for
having somehow failed.
Your best bet: resist the use of all shoulds, oughts and have tos (as in "You should do this, because you ought
to want our relationship to work, and you have to change how you treat me.")
Instead, frame the idea as a chance for him to build something new and impressive into your marriage. Be sure to cite
concrete examples of other occasions he has done this. For exampe: "I've seen you be the kind of man who will do whatever
it takes if it will benefit us. You've proven it before when you worked all that overtime so we could get this house. I
love that about you, and I hope you'll choose to do it again with this."
A final thought: If the idea of having a male therapist makes a big difference to him, now would not be the time to quibble.
Ronn Elmore, Psy.D. is a relationship expert, an ordained minister and a bestselling author. His latest relationship
book is An Outrageous Commitment: The 48 Vows of an Indestructible Marriage (HarperResource).
|
