CAT CHAT

Leopard: Don't blame me. Lynn plucked me out of India, sent me all the way to England, and when her story was done with, so was I. She's got herself a white tiger now.

Lymond: Humans. No loyalty. So, what do I call you? Leopard-Sahib? Goldie?

Leopard: My name in Hindi means Heart of the Land and Spirit of the People, but it's difficult to pronounce. Lynn just calls me the MacGuffin.

Lymond: Funny name. You don't look Scottish.

Leopard: I'm from Alanabad. MacGuffin is Hitchcockian.

Lymond: Never heard of the place. Hitchcock must be one of those Balkan countries. I can't help but notice, Mac, that you are golden all over. I always thought leopards had spots.

Leopard: I do have spots, made of diamonds and sapphires, rubies and emeralds. But when I was painted for the book cover, the spots turned out splotchy. I looked as if I had the mange. So I was repainted pure gold, with a jeweled collar.

Lymond: Another hero with the wrong hair color! You're a handsome fellow, though, and I sure hope that cover sells heaps of books. Lynn's place is way too small. I need running room. A staircase to scamper up and down. Furniture to leap on. I can't stay buff if I don't work out.

Leopard: Don't I know it? For most of my life, I've been perched on a pedestal. I thought I'd get to have exciting adventures in the book, but as it turned out, Lord Duran and Lady Jessica had all the fun.

Lymond: So I heard. Pretty hot stuff, eh?

Leopard: I blushed redder than my ruby spots. Duran and Jessica had been lovers in the past, you see, and since it seemed impossible for them to have a future together--carpe diem.

Lymond: Every fish has its day?

Leopard: Seize the day. It means to live each moment to the fullest.

Lymond: We cats don't need silly mottos to tell us how to live. We do exactly as we please. Or we would, given the chance. You know what fries my whiskers? Lynn writes passionate love scenes for her characters, but when I was in my virile prime, she packed me up in that blasted cat carrier and carted me off to the vet. Next thing I knew, I was meowing soprano. What's with that?

Leopard: You have my empathy, sir. There's not much action to be had atop a pedestal either, I can tell you.

Lymond: We deserve better. But I'd better change the subject before I start clawing at the curtains. Have you read the book, Mac? Is it any good?

Leopard: Oh, yes. I had to do something to pass the time when I wasn't in a scene, and right away, I was hooked on the story. It's a real page-turner, with lots of surprises and great repartee. I love Brit-wit. The best part was when the Maltese Leopard showed up. He-

Lymond: Hold it! There's another cat in the book that isn't me? A malted cat?

Leopard: Maltese, like the falcon. More "old movies" folderol. Besides, it's only a bit part. There's also a melted cat, so to speak, but you'd have to read the story for that to make sense.

Lymond: Yeah, well, I have better things to do. Tell you what, Mac. Lynn's book sounds as good as it could be without me in it, but I'm getting bored now. How about we climb up on my cat tree and look out the window at birds?

Got a question for Lymond? An idea for Lymond's corner? Send an e-mail to lymond@lynnkerstan.com