Obscure Objects Of Desire

ANY attempt to "interview" a band like Gene Loves Jezebel is likely to result in failure. It would all be too serious. And no matter what their image says (bleak, grey, graveyard goths), live, both in the pub and the concert-hall, they are colourful, infectious good fun.

Stud 1: What's the worst question anyone's ever asked you? 

Stud 2: Probably that one. 

When introduced to Gene Loves Jezebel we shake hands, as all professionals do. We also refuse to let go, as most professionals don't. The twins (Michael and J. Aston - two sex kittens from the Welsh lowlands) have us tingling all over. They are a splash of exotic Celtic style, markedly out of place in Clapham's dirty streets. They must get loads of interesting offers.

Mike Aston: "The worst people are the media people. In terms of, um . . . .attentions." (Putting on an insidious female American accent.) "I'll play you on my show if you jump into bed with me."

Although we were too shy to say, we did have similar objectives ourselves. Still, no matter.

Stud 1: Tell us about that.

Marcus: "Which incident was that?" He laughs, then suddenly gets serious. "I dunno, over here interviewers have dignity. But in America, it's like they touch you, you know what I mean? It's horrible when people . . . try and flip you over."

We swear we never tried to flip Gene Loves Jezebel over. We tried to talk to them about their music. They tried too. Both sides failed so instead we talked about people getting arrested. Gene Loves Jezebel, without a shadow of a doubt, made their mark on the United States. Other than assaulting police officers, being assailed by impromptu propositions from female radio interviewers and having troops of underage girls run away from home to follow them, they also managed to sabotage their own operation.

Mike Aston: "The tour manager left the tour. I don't know if he was typical of American tour managers but they seem to think you have to arrive two hours before the sound-check, as soon as the birds of dawn are up you've got to get out of bed. So we retrained him. We reallocated him, really . . . And also he got a bit fed up because there were girls and boys in his bed." (Much laughter.)

Marcus: "Yeah. What were his last words when he phoned up the office? He goes, before he put the phone down, he goes 'tour managers don't have to go through this. There's a woman in my bed.'" (More laughter.) "And he used to kick the shit out of his briefcase as well."

We clear our throats and, with an air of awesome authority, declare "We are extremely inexperienced interviewers."

Mike Aston: "We haven't done interviews for so long we're not very good either."

Special guest Stud Ange counters with the rapier-like thrust of "Tell us about the new single."

Mike Aston: "Right. 'Desire' . . . uh . . . Written by J. Produced by me. By Michael. A song about aspirations."

Stud 1: It's a popsong. Do you want to write popsongs?

Mike Aston (emphatically): "There's a lot of joy in what we do. That's how we've suffered through the press really, being seen as dark and insular. It's our own fault really, we don't play live too much."

Stud 2: There is then a division between what you do in the studio and what you do live?

Mike Aston: "I don't know. If you heard the record first and it seemed pretty grey then we may have failed in a little way. When we play live we like to be colourful. It's hard to be that in the studio. So far we haven't learnt to get that across that live feeling on to a record."

Gene Loves Jezebel are not dark. They are not insular. They are not morons dressed in black. If you don't believe us, listen to "Desire". If you don't dance you've got no legs. If you've got no legs you'll probably still weeble around (weebles wobble but they don't fall down).

Stud 3: You've been lumped in with the Sisters Of Mercy and all the other men in black.

J. Aston: "We've been pushed into a ghetto by the media, therefore the only people that were open to us were that audience. They've good people. They've stuck by us. But Gene Loves Jezebel have never played with that sort of band. We've never supported a Sisters or a Cult. We've never played the clubs or been to the clubs where all these things have happened."

Gene Loves Jezebel are incurable romantics of a different sort. "Desire" is optimistic and sexy. The single before ("Cow") was a love song.

Mike Aston: "As opposed to saying 'I miss you darling, come back to me', it says 'Did you see that cow?' What's that song, 'Did you happen to see the most beautiful girl, tell her I'm sorry?' We were thinking of how you might really feel. 'Did you see that fucking cow?'"

Marcus: "That filthy bitch. But that bit didn't fit in."

Mike Aston: "You'd have to change the tempo for that."

Stud 1: Quite. So you've just come back from America, what are you going to do now?

Mike Aston: "There were no Christmas gigs. Bob Geldof's filled up everywhere. We couldn't get a single booking. We're gonna do a new single. Then in January hopefully we're gonna do an album, then in February a British tour. Then we do America for a month."

This seems to be turning into an interview so we tear up our portfolio and turn to Marcus for some well-chosen pearls of wisdom.

Marcus: "How do Greek women keep their stockings up?" 

Studs (puzzled): We don't know.

Marcus: "Back-comb the hairs on their legs."

Marcus: "How do you tell a Greek airliner?" 

Stud 3: We really don't know.

Marcus: "The hairs under the wings." 

Gene Loves Jezebel should be popstars in the trashiest, tackiest sense of the term. They should be playing in absurdly large stadia, they should be surrounded by teeming throngs of screaming teenagers. They should be the meat of the pop gossip columns. "Desire" is what they should always have sounded like.

It sounds like they look and, now that Mike Monroe has left the country, the way is open for Michael Aston to grab the coveted position of sexiest boy in pop. J. will continue to be charming and serious and Marcus will remain uncontrollable, outspoken . . . a complete prat and superb because of it. We, of course, will gatecrash all their parties. So come and get it. 

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