[D]ann Brown and Jason Milner are devoted to improving the
life of Americans who have been left out of the SUV/NYSE boom
of the 1990's. In what follows, they outline their stances on
a variety of issues important to Americans in the next decade,
and how they will address them.
Please note that new policies and position papers are being
developed almost weekly, so check back here frequently as the
candidate continue to illustrate why you should cast your vote
for them next November 7.
NEW
Dann Brown's policy on Sports Utility Vehicles:
I favor a switching of our private tranporataion culture
into one that is more centered around using public transportation.
More subways, more buses and more of those really neat looking
above-ground monorail thingys! I don't mean to imply that all
private transportation is bad... sometimes you just gotta go
drive by yourself of perhaps you're in a hurry (I wouldn't expect
anyone to wait for the trams if someone was about to have a baby!),
but I would also like to force companies that have been sitting
on their patents for solar and electricial powered cars to begin
production of them as a first step to phasing out all environmentally
dirty gasoline vehicles. (I think Biafra pondred aloud once how
much we could save if we built cars that ran on urine...)
NEW
Dann Brown's policy on alternative energy:
This is an easy one: Government and publicly-funded (and -owned)
power farms. I see vast, open fields of solar panels and windmills.
I also would use currnet anti-trust laws to help break up the
huge power conglomerates in order to encourage local ownership
of power companies.
NEW
Dann Brown's policy on student loan forgiveness:
If you took out a student loan, I guess I can find it in my heart
to forgive you. If I'm going to forgive the debt of third world
countries, I can certianly forgive the tiny debt of those unable
to find meaningful work with their degrees after leaving school.
NEW
Dann Brown's policy on the criminal justice system:
I will release everyone out of our prisons and offer them jobs
and training programs. I know this one souds odd, but I believe
it is better to let ten criminals go free than to jail one innocent
person. We have far too many people in jail for non-violent
crimes. Drug possesion is a crime in most European nations that
almost never leads to incarceration. It would be fairly safe
to assume that in the United States, we put in jail anywhere
between five and fourteen people (that would be deemed innocent
in Europe) for every one that is jailed in Europe. With that
ratio in mind, letting everyone out of jail hardly would weigh
on my conscience. Yes, we would be letting a few truly horrible
people out, but we'd be freeing up up to 14 times as many people
who would never getting trouble again. I think that's worth
it. Open the gates.
Dann Brown's policy statement on
race relations:
Three and a half decades after the Civil Rights Law was signed,
the racial stratification in America seems as strong as ever.
That is why my first order of business on January 20, 2001 will
be to sign an executive order making interracial marriages mandatory.
There is no better place to improve racial relations than on
the home front, and there is no other way to desegregate society
than to affect an historic commingling of the races.
Dann Brown's policy statement on
the Nuclear Test Ban Treaty:
We will force that sucker through Congress, then demand that
all of those international pussies sign it, else we stop funding
their asses.
Dann Brown's policy statement on
the income tax system:
At 44,000 pages, the current tax code is simply too complicated,
and too full of loopholes for rich people to get off way too
easy. That's why I'm proposing a flat tax with no loopholes.
Everything you take in during the year, be it interest, dividends
or earned income, will be subject to the flat tax. Everything
you make up to $100,000 per year is tax free. Beyond that amount,
you will be assessed a tax of 100%.
Dann Brown's initiative for the National
Park Service:
I will authorize creation of statues of former Presidents Nixon,
Reagan and Bush and President Clinton to be built at choice locations
around the country. Egg vendors will then be hired, and will
sell federally-subsidized eggs to the tourist population for
their throwing pleasure. All proceeds will go toward reducing
the national debt.
Dann Brown's policy statement on
the militia movement in America:
Believe it or not, I actually agree with these folks. They should
have their own country. That is why I will authorize a land grant
to these folks to create their own nation. They will get several
million acres of non-arable land in Nebraska, Kansas and Wyoming
and granted full autonomy. Further, they will receive special
trading status with the United States and receive the ability
to buy oil and natural gas from us with a 5000% tariff applied
to it. Steps will be taken to ensure that members of the international
community will not attempt to sell to them as well. Proceeds
from the sales will go to the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force,
the National Holocaust Museum and the National Endowment for
the Arts.
Dann Brown's initiative on Montana
and war reparations:
Because Montana will be bereft of human life after the creation
of the militia state (see above), the state of Montana will be
ceded to Korea and Vietnam as a formal apology for the destruction
we waged on them earlier in the century.
Dann Brown's policy statement on
gun control:
Our Transportation Secretary nominee Al Franken inspired this
idea. I will authorize a national gun buy-back program in which
guns may be turned in, no questions asked. In return, everyone
who participates in the program will receive a free vial of crack.
NEW
Jason Milner's initiative on the adoption of the Metric System:
America is one of a handful of nations that remain
on the face of the planet who insist on using the illogical and
nearly incomprehensible English Standards of Weights and Measures.
The metric system, being adopted by the vast majority of the
world's population and making far more sense, will become the
official standard in America. Effective July 20, 2001, all packaging
and measurement devices will need to use the metric system exclusively.
This includes all thermometers (Centigrade), speedometers (km/h),
gas stations (litres) and food packaging (litres, grams). Furthermore,
close scrutiny will be given to any price increases enacted by
affected businesses claimed to be for the cost of the conversion.
Hefty fines will be levied against corporations and their executives
for anything deemed by the Federal Trade Commission to be price
gouging.
NEW
Jason Milner's policy on the Public Broadcasting System and National
Public Radio:
Having existed for several decades on a shoestring budget, I
feel it is long past time for America to recognize the excellence
PBS and NPR have come to embody. In keeping with that notion,
I will begin a 24-month campaign the first day I'm in office
to pass a bill that creates matching funds for PBS and NPR. It
would work this way: For every dollar spent by major American
television and film studios, a dollar is added to the new Public
Broadcasting Endowment. This fund can then be used to bankroll
PBS and NPR stations nationwide, as well as a full federal subsidy
for the Bravo and Independent Film Network cable channels. Local
PBS affiliates will then have the opportunity to purchase, at
a substantial discount, additional frequencies within their market
for the free-air simulcast of these two channels to areas where
they are not carried.
Jason Milner's initiative on Optimus
Prime:
One of my first duties in office will be to authorize a massive
scientific and engineering program that will create a life-size,
fully functional version of Optimus Prime, leader of the Heroic
Autobots. I will encourage attention to detail so that they get
the transforming sound just right. Plus, I will encourage them
to find ways to get his Strength to the full 10. We are America;
we should settle for nothing less. Optimus will then be deployed
in strategic areas around the country and used as an early warning
system in case of Decepticon invasion. Plus, I get to drive him
around whenever I want. That will be cool.
©1999, 2000 Dann Brown for President. All Rights Reserved.
