Another Government Conspiracy

The federal government has a history of suppressing information that it believes is detrimental to itself. If they feel a discovery will in some way cut the taxes paid, or their political positions are somehow put in danger, the information is suppressed by whatever means necessary. It has come to light that another idea is being quashed under the government's boot.

The idea being suppressed is called The Hopkins Law. It is a simple law with plenty of proof all around us. The law states "If you work hard on Friday, you'll go blind." There is nothing more succinct than this. But the government feels that if the proletariat does not work hard on Fridays, the country's production will fall too far, businesses will fail, the tax base will be undermined, and the elected officials will be blamed.

This law was developed by Brian 'Doc' Hopkins. Doc Hopkins spent twenty-five years researching this idea. He first noticed that certain people would go blind, and later he found that these people had worked hard on at least one Friday in their lives. It also seemed that the more Fridays they worked hard, the sooner the person went blind. Following is a small sample of his case histories. The names have been changed to protect the victim's identities.

Case #85 (Frederick) - Fred was a manager in a small machine shop. On one Friday in 1954 he had to get a job completed for a customer. At the end of the day, the job still required eight hours to complete. Since no one would work late that night (there was a big football game that night), he chose to stay and finish the work himself. He worked feverishly. He kept a metal lathe and a vertical mill running for hours, AT THE SAME TIME. Then tragedy struck. In 1985 he went blind when a battery he was carrying exploded.

Case #423 (Margie)- Margie was a fish-gutter in New England. In 1963 there was an extremely good catch of salmon. As a result, she had to gut more fish that ever. Every day she cleaned 150% of the daily quota of salmon. She even cleaned slightly more on Fridays to make sure everything was finished before the weekend. She did this THREE WEEKS IN A ROW. Then her eyesight was destroyed by glaucoma in 1980.

Case #612 (Edward)- Ed was a carpenter in the 1950s. In 1959 his business was doing great. He had so many houses to build that he had to work dawn to dusk every day, INCLUDING FRIDAYS, for an entire summer. Then in 1961 a mason's line came loose, and the block hit him across both eyes, causing him to be blinded permanently.

There is no need to explore more cases. This evidence will stand alone to prove The Hopkins Law. Notice that Fred worked hard on one Friday and went blind after thirty-one years. Margie worked hard on three Fridays and went blind seventeen years later. And poor Ed worked hard for thirteen Fridays and went blind in only two years. This proves that the time until blindness is inversely proportional to the number of times a person works hard on Friday. What else could explain this phenomenon?

After proving his hypothesis, Doc fell into disfavor with the authorities. He is now being sought by the FBI, CIA, USDA, and Interpol. That is why he is living in self-exile somewhere in the outback of southwestern Ohio. His research facility is hidden underground with an elaborate tunnel system linking him to the civilized world. Doc sends his findings out via a secret Internet connection utilizing short-wave radio. The Hopkins research staff, all dedicated to finding the truth, live like moles in their underground dwelling. All this because the political system feels it must continue unhindered.

About Doc Hopkins

Brian C. Hopkins was born at an early age on a cold wintry night in 1941. His childhood was filled with cool spring days playing on the beach, and cold winter nights in the lighthouse his grandfather managed. Tobermory (pronounced tb . . . no, tb . . . no, it's tob . . . well, the pronunciation should be apparent), Ontario, Canada is where he spent the first decades of his life. His family consisted of his parents and his four sisters and four brothers. The size of his family explains how he developed his boardinghouse reach.

While in Canada, Brian took an interest in the more obscure scientific disciplines. He obtained a diploma from The School of Hard Knocks in 1959, followed by a baccalaureate from it's subsidiary, The University of Hard Knocks. His unusual interest in feline and canine anatomy helped to rid the Tobermory area of its stray dog and cat problem, and led to his minor in animal physiology. It was a result of this research that everyone he knew started to refer to him as 'Doc' instead of his given name.

After receiving his degree, Doc had trouble getting financing to do his research. This is when he tried to become a static electrician. This seemed a lucrative occupation at first, but there were few openings for him. This is when he started to work on philosophical questions, such as: Why do the sandwiches you buy at a fast food restaurant never look like the ones in their commercials. Once again, the scientific community looked down upon him. But Doc continued his research undaunted.

Doc's life was going fine until he met the lovely lass from Ohio, the future Mrs. Doc Hopkins. She was visiting the Tobermory area on vacation with her family. When they met is was love at second sight (at first sight they were too far away to see each other well enough). Doc's feelings for this young lady made him decide to move to the Ohio area. He felt this was best, since Ohio is well known as the intellectual center of the entire universe. After three years of negotiations, the United States decided to allow him to immigrate. He then made the 493 mile trek to his new homeland. For those working in the metric system, that's . . . let's see, it's 493 times, uh . . . it's however many kilometers it takes to make 493 miles.

Doc's Current Research

Some of the things Doc is working on:

If a tin whistle is made of tin, why isn't a foghorn made of fog?

If you take a square ten units by ten units, you have a perimeter of forty units and an area of one-hundred square units. If you have a rectangle of twelve units by eight units, you also have a perimeter of forty units, but an area of only ninety-six square units. Where did the other four square units go?

A vacuum bottle keeps cold things cold and hot things hot, but how does it know the difference? Is this the first sign of intelligent life forms that appear inanimate?

If you feed dog food to dogs, shouldn't you feed cheese food to cheese?

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