Things to Ponder: What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If they arrest the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're a ahead"?!
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
I must always remember that I'm unique, just like everyone else.
I think everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us don't have film.
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
How much faith does it take to be an atheist?
If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water.

Amusing Answering Machine Messages

• "This is not an answering machine, this is a telepathic-thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
• "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However, our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you."
• "Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Should you give up that right, everything you say will be recorded and used by us."
• "Hi, I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

We can be reached at johnsharideb@earthlink.net