Before I get to what ruined PLANET OF THE APES, understand that it was no masterpiece up until then anyway. The script was completely average and ordinary, something that’s plagued every Tim Burton film since ED WOOD. Burton’s also clear emphasis on style over substance now is rather unfortunate, especially when it’s this damning to anything you do.

      The makeup is of course incredible, which is more of a testament to Rick Baker’s genius really. And Tim Roth is completely over the top and fabulous. He’s the only part worth mentioning, and in this stinker, that’s saying something. His performance is in fact OSCAR worthy, but a movie like this would never be considered, bad or good. Of course, this is where the praises stop. With absolutely nothing to work with, Mark Wahlberg plays the flattest and most uninteresting hero possible. Does anyone even recall his name? Neither do I, which is more telling than you think. Every good hero leaves an indelible impression, whether it’s John McClane or Luke Skywalker. The point is that Wahlberg’s character is so worthless that we couldn’t even be bothered to remember it. As for others, Kris Kristofferson and Estella Warren are completely pointless. And just where does Estella get her dark red lipstick and Miss Clairol on an ape controlled slave world? Now that’s a conundrum.

      There’s so much to pick at really, like the hackneyed political rhetoric that only a 3-year-old would find challenging. The final ruination though is simple. In a colossal “fuck you” to the audience, Tim Burton slapped on the worst ending in movie history. It simply defies all logic and sense, but since the hero loses, critics loved it (Ebert). The surprise is how Burton could be so stupid. I know that he isn’t, so there must be another reason. Tim simply has a very jaded outlook on life that can impugn his better judgment. For proof, watch MARS ATTACKS! So sticking it to the audience brings about an odd sense of joy (Andy Kaufman, Kevin Smith, to name a few). Internet sites reportedly spoiled the ending just days before, but in wanting to be surprised myself, I stayed away. I wish I hadn’t! However, Burton was angry over the spoiling, so his wish in pissing everyone off only partially came true. You know what, Tim, fuck you too! Now you know how we feel.