The hope(s) that ATTACK OF THE CLONES would best THE PHANTOM MENACE in all respects were dashed rather quickly. Sorry friends, but AOTC is incredibly slipshod. The writing, the acting, the effects and more are all bad, bad, bad. Saddest of all though is the once great genius is no more. Why else would a master like George Lucas insult us with such tripe? (Then again, some aren’t so insulted.) I did try, believe it or not. The bad dialogue didn’t sway me, but after that stupid chase through Coruscant (way too long), they’d lost me. Actually, it was that stupid “Jedi poodu” line that finally did it. I hate when they repeat things that were never funny to begin with. And few scenes stand out, even fewer than last time. Only when Kenobi meets Jango Fett is the exception, because two great performers are allowed to act. Their battle of wits was nicely done, but like THE PHANTOM MENACE, there’s little else to admire since the humanity has been sucked dry. And why Lucas doesn’t comprehend this is beyond me.
As Anakin, Hayden Christensen is no improvement over the annoying Jake Lloyd. Then again, maybe it’s not his fault. Since the dialogue is the cheesiest, most putrid stuff ever, wouldn’t anyone falter? Slaughtering the Sand People and his reaction that follows is as close as he gets. And if not for contractual obligation or the fame inherent, I believe that Natalie Portman would’ve quit already, because the character is now a sad joke. She’s forced into the background, acting rather dumbfounded, as Anakin whines and whines incessantly. Any guy that bellyaches this much certainly won’t come across as the biggest bad ass in the universe. I’m not one to usually charge sexism, but the fact that Amidala is so passive now, what else can you infer. Oh, and in a matter of moments, she’s in love with him. No, that wasn’t forced, not at all.
Ewan Macgregor, the high point of the last film, falters just as much. Hampered by bad dialogue and having to always remain stoic and disapproving, there’s only so much he can do. Christopher Lee is awesome though, no surprise there. But like Darth Maul, he’s underused. For a key nemesis, he doesn’t even show up till the last third. That’s just bad storytelling, any way you slice it. And while everyone will rejoice in the decided lessening of Jar Jar Binks, his two-minute appearance is still too much. And he’s responsible for giving the Emperor his unlimited power. While I don’t pretend to understand Lucas anymore, he must be twisted in some way. Knowing how much people hate this character, and seemingly not caring, he makes it so that Jar Jar is a primary catalyst for the doom to come? George, I thought you wanted us to like this character? And why the idea of having the good guys be responsible for the universe’s demise, like Amidala helping the Emperor become Chancellor? Logically, the audience should then resent these characters for being so stupid. That’s not what heroes are all about. It’s far better for the world to change beyond their control, and that they’ll try to save it when the time comes. That’s what heroes are, George.
In PHANTOM MENACE, Lucas introduced some new ideas that left even fanatics baffled. Lucas then promised that answers would be provided in the next installment. Well he answered one, but created more and more and added countless plot holes to boot. And the blunders are so dumb, only a child could make them. How the hell could Luke’s aunt and uncle own C3-PO and not recognize him in STAR WARS? My God, even my dad noticed this. So you don’t have to be a rabid fan to pick out the flaws. Hey, notice how that midiclorian shit wasn’t even mentioned? Ah, so the solution in dealing with it is not to deal with it. Smart! Anyway, with the endless array of continuity flaws that Lucas is continuing to unleash, don’t be surprised if Chewbacca is Luke’s babysitter or some damn thing.
Effects wise, there’s virtually no improvement. In fact, many shots downright sucked. Nothing but the same filler crap, only this time it’s everywhere. Every fucking background was CG, not just a few, and it’s obvious and fake!!! The actors are clearly walking on soundstages and talking to nothing. Sooner or later, this only limits a performer. If nothing is real, how can it not, especially when you have no room to move or be spontaneous. So if the bad dialogue weren’t enough, you have this stale environment hampering your actors. Critic Jack Mathews even believes, “the overall effect of Lucas’ digital mania has been detrimental to the saga. Where the first trilogy was mythological fantasy, the second is pure cartoon. The sad truth is, the more three-dimensional they look, the more two-dimensional they are.” I couldn’t agree more.
Most CG fails primarily in texture, in that it can’t replicate proper surface tones. The colors are always off, giving them a cartoonish look. So then do I even need to mention Yoda? Come on, people, how much more pathetic can it get? Hey, I know that CG is necessary for Yoda to jump around like Sonic the friggin’ Hedgehog, but until then should’ve remained a puppet. Since he was more believable in EMPIRE and JEDI, I’m wholly justified in making this criticism. But it’s not just the effects; the writing is key also. Yoda is proof positive that it’s taken a turn for the worst. Compare and contrast the original trilogy, when Yoda could actually speak forward. Why has this changed, making every line sound like a cheap fortune cookie?
Lucas keeps repeating and repeating how the “digital technology is very freeing.” I’m beginning to think that limitations are a good thing. Think of it this way, if Steven Spielberg had gotten the shark to work whenever he wanted in JAWS, would we still have the greatest horror movie ever made? No, absolutely not. Not seeing the shark, only hinting at it, for 3 quarters made it all the spookier. But since they had the technical limitation, it worked in their favor. Honestly, the only examples I can think of where directors had total autonomy, the end result was catastrophic every time.
Lastly, why ATTACK OF THE CLONES? The grittiness and classic pulp of the title doesn’t escape me, but it doesn’t fit. The clones are stormtroopers, early versions obviously, but they’re fighting for the republic. Without getting into specifics, they fight along side of the Jedi, for now anyway. The title, on the other hand, suggests that they’re the enemy, like in the original trilogy. Huh? Again, Lucas is changing his original ideas and creating more inconsistencies (like Anakin’s age). For you STAR WARS freaks who now wanna argue this point, answer this. Clearly, Boba Fett was never meant to be a huge character, Lucas has said as much. But if he weren’t drastically altering his original storylines, how else can you explain the inclusion or invention of Jango Fett?
This notion that nothing would meet our expectations still bugs me. To me, it’s an excuse. It’s to excuse the movie going public’s own fallacies certainly, but even more, excuse Lucas for not living up to his own standards. Not ours, HIS! Besides, if high expectations were the detriment, we would’ve hated EMPIRE and JEDI. Remember kids, there were plenty of years back then to let expectation build, and yet the majority was never disappointed. How is it any different now?
Critics agreed on one thing, that CLONES would please Star Wars loyalists. My question is, what wouldn’t? Now I’m a guy with a web page that’ll sway few, I’m just hoping that I’m not alone. Not alone in seeing that this once great fantasy is screwed further every three years. How about this? In its third week of release, DIVINE SECRETS OF THE YA-YA SISTERHOOD beat AOTC at the box office. Need I say more? As long as Lucas keeps directing and writing, there’s no hope.
