To come back here and have nothing but good things to say is all I wanted, in all sincerity. The critics would be wrong and the reservations we had, if any, would all be for naught. Unfortunately, they weren’t. I love STAR WARS, and if you’ve read my reviews of the original trilogy, you’ll know this to be true. But my friends, THE PHANTOM MENACE is so utterly scattershot, it defies belief. Was my intention to simply nit-pick it? Absolutely not! In fact, I’ve been willing to forgive a number of films for their initial weaknesses if they could still build to a strong conclusion. Instead, this just stumbles on awkwardly, never knowing where it wants to go. Are there good moments? Oh my, yes. But not enough to honestly say, “Hey, that was great!”

      The lead in for EPISODE I is strong and promising, but when the action switches to Tatooine, the film slows to a nauseating halt. In fact, boredom is a word I never associated with STAR WARS…until now. And that’s what I was - bored! Tatooine just takes too damn long, as you sit there hoping and praying that they’ll pick up the pace. The pod race helps, and has its moments, but isn’t all that much in the final tally. And while I never thought that George Lucas would make his special effects the primary focus, he has here. Characters and story arcs are unashamedly placed on the backburner, and it’s very trying. Speaking of characters, where did they get these voiceovers? Half of them were unintelligible, especially Jar Jar. (I’ve seen it twice and still can’t understand him.) Jar Jar Binks, for you cynics, is exactly what you predicted. He is nothing but a goddamn nuisance and the plot is always better when he’s not in it.

      Ultimately, the film suffers mainly from bad interactions amongst its characters. Lucas should have brought in a colleague, as he’s done before (Lawrence Kasdan), to smooth out the dialogue. There are no good speeches, no good exchanges and not even any classic lines from a bad guy. And while I hate siding with the Boba-Fett disciples, Darth Maul does end up being one of the highlights. But even he is lacking. They had countless opportunities in the final duel for some great exchanges between the villain and hero. But they say nothing, NOTHING!!! And the best part of the flick ends up being another let down. (By the way, since when is two against one a noble Jedi trait?) So much of this film is just plain hollow. And the moments we’re supposed to feel something, we simply can’t. Anakin leaving his mother is ingenuously dull and isn’t sad or moving in the least. (Plot spoiler coming!) Not even Liam Neeson’s death is emotional and is simply weak in its handling. He’s burned, as Vader was, in a scene that holds the emotional depth of an insurance seminar. What should have been a grand funeral is for some reason confined to a small room, feeling instead like a weenie roast rather than a salute to a fallen hero. (Maybe in the special edition, Senator Palpatine will crack open a Colt 45.) This pales in comparison to Vader’s burning in JEDI, so much so that it boggles the mind. In fact, I don’t think anyone can fairly ridicule JEDI ever again. I’m sorry, but the Ewok battle was a hundred times more entertaining than the Gungans vs. the droids. This is blasphemous to you Ewok haters, but it’s the truth.

      When it comes to acting, Liam Neeson is good, but he’s forced to carry the weight of flat exchanges. If he weren’t an exceptional actor, many of the scenes would have been worse than they already were. He brings dignity to the role, as others have said, but had little to work with in the interim. By far, Ewan McGregor comes out looking the best, bringing across what little dramatic or emotional depth there is. I simply have nothing but praise for him. Natalie Portman is not bad, but like so many in this film, she ends up stagnated because her character is so flat. She’s clearly competent in her ability, but there was nowhere for her or the character to go. At the time, Jake Lloyd received the most negative response from critics, but they were only partially right. Some said he was too stiff, but I found his line delivery to be far more tedious. Frankly, he sounds as if he’s reading his lines verbatim rather than performing them, so they never feel natural or convincing. It’s the old adage really, that if actors aren’t convinced in what they’re saying, then why should we? Anakin also needed to be older, more mature and cast with an actor closer to Portman’s age. Then they could establish, among other things, the love that would develop between them in the future. Besides, the Jedi Council thinks he’s too old at ten??? I didn’t buy it. My God, do you have to be sperm before they’ll accept you?

      Ian McDiarmid is a pleasant surprise. He plays Senator Palpatine (the Emperor) with great presence, but falls victim to having too little screen time. The only plus is that he’ll most assuredly be in the next two episodes. Terence Stamp, who plays the chancellor, is almost not worth mentioning. The chancellor is probably the worst example of underdevelopment in the entire film, not to mention the most poorly handled subplot. Simply put, a great actor is wasted. As for Pernilla August (Anakin’s mother), I was surprised that she would end up being so flat also. I imagined her having an extensive screen and/or stage background, but if this is it, I can’t believe that she’s still getting work. And then there’s Samuel L. Jackson, whom I now wish hadn’t been in the film at all. Once we finally get to Coruscant, after the strain of Tatooine, the plot is really teetering. This was their chance to pick up it again, and bringing in Jackson at this point was a mistake. Frankly, he’s a distraction meant to be recognized more for himself than the character he’s playing. Well, not even the all-powerful Yoda comes away clean either. Call me crazy, but I didn’t think the puppetry was all that good. He was much more convincing in EMPIRE and JEDI. But like Jackson, Yoda is ultimately a distraction. And none of the characters we are familiar with succeed in offering any real comfort or reminder of films past. I’ll grant them Jabba’s appearance, but even C3-PO and R2-D2 end up characterless.

      The biggest disappointment had to be when the Force was actually categorized into something scientific. With so much going awry anyway, why Lucas would change and offer up this lame clarification at all is beyond me. For three films, the Force has been a spiritual, mystical religion full of good and hope that anyone can achieve, if they commit themselves. And now he’s saying that it’s nothing but a bodily fluid? That’s just way beyond disappointing. It didn’t seem possible, but in one stroke, Lucas wiped away everything that was pure and mysterious about his creation.

      Special effects? The CGI landscapes were incredible, but so many were unnecessary. Another major failing of this film is to simply have effects wherever possible. Not every background has to have 3 million spaceships flying by it, you know. However, my true disdain lies with there being too many computer-generated characters. I’m sorry, but technology hasn’t replaced an actor yet, a fact that I thought Lucas realized more than anyone. The trap is in believing that special effects can do anything and everything, but they can’t. CG characters are just not tangible, especially if there are too many. I will agree that it works for creating monsters, but that’s because they’re two-dimensional. An actual character has to be more than that, especially if it’s a lead. This harkens back to what I was saying earlier about the Ewok battle in JEDI. You may hate them with a passion, but at least the action felt real…tangible. In THE PHANTOM MENACE, the battle between the Gungans and droids is a colossal waste. It feels jumbled and cluttered, devoid of any real excitement or emotion. Worst of all, you don’t care. We never felt like we were watching real situations anyway, so why should we? And if you don’t care about what’s going on, no matter the genre, there’s no point. I’d have rather had 400 extras in masks than just total effects. Like in FORREST GUMP, the effects for Gary Sinise’s legs are excellent because they are subtle. They imbued fantasy elements with real ones, and therefore made them more believable. There’s simply no need for it all to be computer generated. Maybe it’s less expensive, but what’s more important? Making it good, or making it on the cheap?

      Bottom line, there is no real drama or solid narrative here, just different ideas strung together. Is the film bad? No, of course not. But for STAR WARS, we expect better. We don’t want mediocre. And this notion that no movie could live up to our expectations is a crock. If you have read this far, understand that I’m not writing this just to bash the film. Quite the contrary, I write this because I want these movies to be good, and we should never have to settle for second best. It’s easy to get caught up in wanting to like this film. But sooner or later, you have to see past it.

      Tomorrow, I wish I could forget about EPISODE I and just look forward to the next installment. Still, I had to wonder if making the other prequels was a lost cause, especially since THE PHANTOM MENACE already creates a number of inconsistencies. Creatively, there’s less restrictions making 7, 8 and 9 instead, which Lucas has said he won’t do. Yeah, I know it’s just wishful thinking. However, if 2 and 3 turn out to be great, then I’ll be the first to admit that I was wrong. But we’ll have to see, won’t we.