Much has been made of the infamous Year 2000 (Y2K) bug. At the stroke of midnight on January 1, 2000, millions of computers worldwide will interpret the new date as January 1, 1900. The implications of such a seemingly trivial glitch will range from the mundane (worldwide financial crises, planes falling from the sky) to the unthinkable (disruption of television schedules, with many programs either delayed, or reruns shown in their place).

The Threat:

Although it has recieved only a fraction of the press its technological counterpart has, the Biological Year 2000 (BioY2K) bug is immeasurably more serious, and may well spell the end not just of civilization, but of the human race itself.

The human body is regulated by a biological clock. This clock governs all bodily functions: growth (infancy to puberty to adulthood), sleep/wake cycles, trips to the kitchen or bathroom between commercial breaks, and everything that separates man from the lower beasts.

There is absolutely no evidence the human body is year 2000 compliant. And no amount of computer code will ever make it so (not even the really clever stuff with scrolly text, thumping music, texture-mapped polygons, and such).

The Effects:

As chillingly illustrated in the chart above, the body's biological clock will reset itself to January 1, 1900, and a period of rapid cellular regression will commence. Persons born after the year 1900 will simply cease to exist. Those born before 1900 will be young children at best. Will they have the ability to survive to adulthood on their own?

Prevention:

The truth is, no one knows if the BioY2K bug is preventable at all. However, it is against human nature to simply accept an unacceptable fate. The will to survive is one of the most deeply ingrained primal urges that humankind possesses (perhaps second only to the need to form, observe, speculate about, and pour vast amounts of time and money into various sporting leagues). It is in this spirit that the following suggestions are offered.

Destroy All Calendars

Remove all calendars, day planners, appointment books, and fig newtons - anything with a date - from your home immediatly. Cease all contact with anything date-related. This includes calendar watches, especially the digital variety. The goal is to desensitize your body to the passage of time. What you don't know can't hurt you.

Cryogenic Freezing

In a state of suspended animation, your body will be immune to, and unaware of, the year 2000. With luck, the generation born before 1900 will survive, flourish, and ultimately find a way to circumvent the BioY2K bug in your body. You will awaken to utopia, or never wake at all.

Gather the Elderly

A worldwide effort needs to begin to gather everyone born before the year 1900. There is safety in numbers. These seniors are humankind's hope for the future. Only they can survive a 100 year regression. A center needs to be constructed which will provide them with shelter, food, and educational materials. It will be their task to rebuild civilization. We wish them well.

Aluminum Foil

It's ability to block mind control waves is legendary. Recent studies suggest it's benefits may extend well beyond psychotropic wavelength dispersal. Experimentation is the key: wear foil headbands, juggle foil spheres, completely cover the walls, ceiling, and floor of one room in your home with foil; spend time here often. Share your findings with others.

Base-x Counting

You can prolong the "00" roll-over by using a numbering system other than base-10. For example, using base-16, the deadly base-10 number "2000" equals "$07D0". You'll have 48 more years until the roll-over (year $0800 (2048 base-10)). Switching to base-24, "2000" equals just "03B8" - That's a 304 year extension for humanity's lease on life!

This Document:

As noted above, the BioY2K bug is relatively unknown. Whether this is due to ignorance, denial, or intentional suppression is inconsequential. People must be informed; it is imperitive! You have read this document, you have seen the chart, now you must spread the word! Time is short and the danger is unimaginable; we must all act now if we are ever to act again!