Merger-mania continues as telecommunications giant MCI WorldCom conducts merger negotiations with a rap group. The new corporate entity, to be known as Run DMCI, is expected to be a win-win situation for both parties, boosting MCI's image with urban youths while giving the rap group wider exposure to a more diverse audience. The deal, which still faces FCC and PMRC approval, was described by one MCI senior executive as being "funky fresh".
The friendly skies will soon be getting a whole lot friendlier. TWA announced plans to offer flights staffed with topless flight attendants and featuring in-filght lap dancing. The new T&AWA flights, slated to begin in mid-August, are reportedly booked solid through February.
The cola-wars are heating up again. In a press conference Wednesday, Pepsi officials confirmed third party reports that they do indeed possess a nuclear device. Denying accusations that they're instigating an arms race, Pepsi officials contend they are merely playing catch up with rival Coca Cola. "Coke developed a large bomb when they changed their formula. We're just evening the scales," the Pepsi officials stated.
Coca Cola denounced the Pepsi statement, claiming that the playing field had been level since the advent of Pepsi Clear. "Clearly, they're taking things to a whole new level, and we won't just sit back and let this go unchallenged," stated a man in a supermarket parking lot who was wearing a Coca Cola t-shirt.
At the same conference, PepsiCo denied accusations put forth by archrival Coca Cola that Pepsi is developing biological weapons. Coke claims that recent gastrointestinal disturbances in Belgium are the result of an additive in Pepsi products which reacts violently when combined with Coca Cola. Coke contends Pepsi developed and introduced the additive for just that purpose. "Did not," was PepsiCo's official statement when questioned about Coke's accusations.
"Did too," Coke quickly responded.
Pepsi: "Did not!"
Coke: "Did too!"
Pepsi: "Did not times infinity!"
Coke: "Did too times infinity squared plus 14!"
Pepsi announced it would consult with the mathematics department of the University of Scranton before making a formal response to this last accusation.
The preceeding is a work of fiction. All entities mentioned above, including, but not limited to, MCI, Run DMC, TWA, Pepsi, Coke, and Belgium are ficticious. Any resemblance to actual persons, places, or things past, present, or future is purely coincidental.
This disclaimer is also a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual disclaimers, past, present, or future, is purely coincidental.
These coincidences are also works of fiction. Any resemblance to actual coincidences, present, future, or past, is strictly coincidental.