To Be A Husband - James N. Markels
"So why don’t you think we should do it?"
He drew carefully on his cigarette before even daring to answer. Instead of a cigarette, her fingers picked nervously at the cuffs of her jeans as if they were operating without the mind’s knowledge, working quickly with the fear that they might be discovered at any time and forced to stop their activities. They sat on the same couch but on opposite sides, his legs crossed while she was cross-legged facing him, watching him. Her gaze, normally soft and kind, was piercing. He could feel it whether he looked at her or not.
He let out the smoke in a long breath and watched it join the heavy air in the living room. The smoke rolled languidly over his coffee table and her magazines, over her couch with his ashtray teetering between them on two cushions, over his TV paired with her VCR. He noticed just then how much of their stuff was so intertwined right now except for them. It seemed so odd for him to be on the couch fighting with her about something that seemed to be a much bigger deal now than when they first started, much to his chagrin.
"It’s not quite like that," he began, but he really didn’t know where he was going with it.
______________
Thom first met Jenny at a birthday party for his late-friend Gerald (known to most as Jerry), whom he had lived with during his senior year in college. They wound up getting jobs in the same relative area of Northern Virginia doing vastly different things; Jerry was an artist and cartoonist for a small local newspaper in Manassas while Thom found an engineering job for an environmental firm in Springfield. Although they didn’t hang out much in college, Thom jumped at the chance to see Jerry again. It was a rare opportunity to feel like the past was not dead, to reminisce about college parties and so forth.
Most of the people at Jerry’s party were from the newspaper, but Thom felt comfortable with a cheap beer in his hand, joking about things with his friend and meeting the new people. To Thom, it was the first honest party he had been to since graduation, and the weight of his work life fell off his shoulders as the party progressed. It felt good.
Jenny had come with her boyfriend at the time, a guy named Matthew who worked at the same newspaper Jerry did. She wore a creamy yellow cotton dress that night, one that brushed her knees when she walked and clung to her motherly hips possessively. She introduced herself to Thom as Jennifer Lynn Harlow, but you can call me Jenny. He thought that was funny, so he called her by her full name for the rest of the night. Even though she sat with her date smoking cigarettes for the duration of the party, Thom could not help but notice her long blonde curly hair that matched her dress or how her hazel eyes seemed perfect with the girlish freckles on her cheeks. He wanted to make small talk with her, but couldn’t. The timing always seemed to be off.
Nevertheless, Thom had a great time catching up with Jerry and finding a new crowd to talk to. After most of the people had left, Thom drew Jerry aside. "Say, Jerry, this was a great party. We should keep in touch more often. What do you say?"
"I say that sounds fine."
"Great. Gimme your number." He wrote it down on a scrap of paper. "When do you and your friends all get together? I sure liked hanging out with your crowd."
"We usually try to get together on Friday nights at this Ruby Tuesday’s outside of Manassas Mall. We blow off the steam from the week then."
"That’s cool. My Fridays are pretty boring. I’ll give you a call."
______________
"I’m just saying that I don’t think everything’s right for us right now," he said.
"Oh, and what’s not right between us?" she snapped.
"No, no, that’s not what I was saying." He felt like having another cigarette already.
"Then what were you saying?"
Her hair was unkempt, strewn about her head like chaff. Her eyes were hard. Her proud chin was clenched.
I just want this argument to go away, he thought, but he knew that wouldn’t make a good answer.
_____________
Thom started making it a habit to be at the Manassas Ruby Tuesday’s on Friday nights to eat chicken wings, drink beer, and socialize with Jerry and his friends at the newspaper. They were a small outfit, about thirty people total, but their work seemed a lot more fun than what Thom got to do. The environmental firm wanted him to plan excavations, take and analyze soil samples, and basically do the grunt work for the contracts. The pay was good, but he had a hard time looking forward to doing his job every weekday. It was always more of the same. The newspaper job was a constantly changing one with new news, things to keep track of, people to interview. The workers at the newspaper were a tight bunch, from the bottom up. Even the top Editor who owned the paper came out on Fridays to hobnob. Thom hadn’t even met the owners of his company yet.
Matt didn’t bring Jenny to the Friday night ritual, and it disappointed Thom in a way. She was the first woman outside of college that he found honestly attractive. One night Matt mentioned casually that his girlfriend didn’t even know about the Ruby Tuesday get-togethers, and Thom thought it was kind of rude. He didn’t say anything, though. It wasn’t his relationship.
He saw Jenny for the second time about a month after Jerry’s party. It had been two years since he had had a physical check, so he made an appointment with a doctor that Jerry recommended. When he walked into the waiting room, Jenny was sitting on the couch reading a Time magazine, wearing a red blouse and a black skirt. Thom was fresh from work, carrying his briefcase with his suit jacket draped over it. He didn’t notice it was her until he had sat down after checking with the nurse behind the desk about his appointment. She was looking at him.
"Aren’t you Jennifer Lynn Harlow?" he asked. He felt that initial attraction again, added to the ever more pleasant surprise in meeting her here in such an odd place.
She laughed and he smiled. "Yes. I remember you from somewhere."
"We met at a party, a friend of mine Jerry’s. It was a while ago."
She folded the magazine and put it on her knee. "Oh yeah, that’s right."
"You were there with Matt." He had heard that the two of them broke up a week or so ago, but didn’t want to make a point of it.
She laughed a little. "Yes, Matt." She shook her head slightly.
"You remember my name?"
"It was Tom, right?"
He nodded. "With an ‘h’."
"I haven’t seen it spelled like that too often."
"It separates me from all the other regular Toms." He smiled and looked at his hands.
"I guess it would," she replied. She put the magazine on the table.
He searched for something to say. "Are you here for a checkup? I haven’t had one in ages, so I figured I’d better do it before my body falls apart."
"I’m here about my asthma."
"Really? I thought you smoked."
"I do." She shrugged.
"Oh." He felt a little concerned. It wasn’t a good thing for her to be smoking with delicate lungs, but he didn’t want to come out and blast her for it. "Your doctor must not like that too much, then."
"Yeah, I know. It’s just so hard to stop something you enjoy."
He nodded. He didn’t want to hold it against her. "I know what you mean," he said, and wished it sounded more honest than it came out. He decided to turn the track a little bit. "What does Matt say about it? If he cares about you, then, well, you know."
"If he cared about me." She half-smiled.
"Oh, I see. I guess you two aren’t really together then?"
Her fingers plucked at her skirt, straightening the pleats. "He had other things more important than me in his life. It was best for both of us to move on."
He nodded again. He didn’t know how else to get to it. He wanted to have a date with her, talk to her, find out who she was. He was trying to do it in a suave way, like on TV or something, but it just wasn’t working. How was he going to ask her without it being so damn blatant? His stomach sank a little bit. Maybe he just wouldn’t.
Or maybe he would. It wasn’t like he saw her every day. If he did and it worked, great. If it didn’t, no big deal. Just DO something, he told himself.
He drew in a breath. "Hey, I’m really sorry about that. You seem like a really nice person, and it’s too bad it worked out like that."
She shrugged. "It’s not like we dated for a year or anything."
"Yeah, I see." He looked right at her, plunging forward. "I don’t know what you’re up to now, but I’d like a chance to talk with you over dinner sometime. I’d, ah, it’s no big deal, I’d just really like to get to know you." He swallowed.
She looked at him, and he felt time freeze. "Well, you’ll probably need my number then," she said.
"Well, yeah, that would be helpful," he smiled while he fumbled for his wallet. He pulled out a business card and wrote her phone number on the back. He wrote the name ‘JENNY’ over it and underlined everything for emphasis. "What nights are you free?"
She told him she was free this Friday, and although that would mean skipping out on Ruby Tuesday’s he agreed to it. The nurse called out that one of the other doctors was ready for Jenny, and she got up to leave.
"Good luck on your asthma," he waved.
"Enjoy your physical. I’ll hear from you later," she smiled back.
He sat there in the chair for a bit looking at the chair Jenny had sat in. Did I really just pull that off? Incredible!
The physical went fine.
________________
"I don’t know what you’re so scared about," she said.
"I’m not scared, just concerned." He decided on the green light for another cigarette.
"Do you think we’re not strong enough? We’ve been together for over five years, living together for over half of that. We’ve been talking about it for a while as well. So what is it?"
There’s a difference between talking about it and doing it, he thought. Damn that little home pregnancy test! Or better yet, damn that Pill! It’s the most effective method of birth control on the market and she still got pregnant. He sucked on the cigarette as if he was trying to burn the thing right down to his fingers in one breath.
"Are you worried what our families will think? Is that it?" she asked.
He just didn’t know why something like this had to come along. Everything was going so well. They were just starting to really save money, money that could go towards a nice house or a new car. Sure, they had talked about getting married someday, but he thought that meant after things were pretty much nailed down. When it was right.
Her voice was on the verge of breaking. "Is it something about me? What?"
He shook his head. No, it wasn’t her. He didn’t know what it was.
_________________
He was relieved that the number she gave him wasn’t fake. The phone rang twice and when she said hello he instantly recognized her voice. It was throaty and soft, and even the receiver on the phone couldn’t take those qualities away from her. They talked for a bit, but he made sure to stay away from her asthma appointment. No need to bring up something negative like that now. They talked about work instead. She was a high school teacher for Junior English and Humanities. Not as fun as being a journalist, but better than investigating landfills. She seemed to be interested in what he did, especially since it involved leaving the desk to visit sites and be hands-on about things, especially with the environment. They made plans to have dinner at a bar and grill place that Thom liked. She sounded upbeat about it, laughing when he said something funny. He didn’t even feel nervous about the whole thing after he hung up.
They met at the bar and grill and had a drink before getting a table. She wore an ankle-length black dress that covered her arms. Thom thought she was stunning. She wore a little bit of makeup, but he thought she looked better without.
After he complimented her dress and they ordered, the conversation was on politics. There must have been something on the TV in the bar, because that was the first thing she started on. It was about the Primaries. Thom had always made a point not to talk about politics or religion on the first date, but it couldn’t be helped. She wanted to know what he thought about the upcoming Presidential election.
He sipped his Rum and Coke. "I don’t know offhand. What do you think?"
"I just can’t stand any of the Republicans. Clinton all the way."
Uh-oh. Another reason not to talk politics; he was a Republican. Since work was usually uninteresting, he enjoyed reading "The National Review" at work, keeping up on current political trends. His father was Republican, as was his mother, as was the rest of his family. But he didn’t just buy it because his family did, he really was conservative. However, he didn’t agree with their idea that liberals were misguided fools. He had lots of liberal friends in college, and he didn’t consider them any less intelligent or logical than he.
"I see. I have problems with him too, though."
"He’s not perfect. None of us are." She sipped on her Gin Fizz. "You wouldn’t vote for him?"
Oh well. It seemed that there was no way around the subject. He hoped it wouldn’t ruin things. "To tell you the truth, I’m a Republican." He smiled in hopes that there would be some humor in it.
Her eyebrows furrowed. "I thought you worked on the environment."
"Yes, I do work for an environmental company."
"Hmmm. I thought you’d be a Democrat for sure."
He smiled. "Well, you already said that none of us are perfect."
They both laughed, then toasted to it. It was alright, he could see. He told her his thoughts on politics, and they traded playful jabs on each other’s ideology. He hadn’t had a real political debate in a long time, especially with someone who didn’t agree with him, and it was a pleasant change of pace. They disagreed on a few things, agreed on a few things, and made fun of politicians in general. He found himself wanting to talk about more difficult subjects with her, like religion, her asthma. The conflict became as interesting as her physical attractiveness.
They ate, and she insisted on paying her share. "Fine, but I’ll pay for the drinks. Would you like to go back to the bar for an after-dinner one?" She said yes. They talked about all sorts of things. He told her about his divorced parents, she told him about her favorite students. They commiserated about life after college. She was a year older than he. He hoped it didn’t make a difference.
In the parking lot he held her hand. She hugged him and kissed his cheek. Call me tomorrow, I might be free she said. I sure will, drive safely.
_________________
"Hey Jerry, it’s Thom."
"Hey Thom! We missed you last night. How was the date?"
"Jerry, she’s incredible."
Jerry laughed. "You’ll have to tell me all about it."
"I’ll tell you on Sunday when we get together to watch the game. We’re going out again tonight with some friends of hers."
"Two nights in a row? It must have been some night!"
"It wasn’t explosive or anything, but we had a great time."
"Just remember who you met her through."
"I’ll have your child." They laughed.
"Good luck, man. I’ll see you on Sunday."
_________________
He really wanted a drink of water, but he didn’t dare leave the couch.
"Look, sweetheart, this has just taken me a bit by surprise. I really don’t know what I think about everything yet. It’s all such a big step."
Her voice softened. "I know, I know. It would have been a lot easier if this was planned."
"Yes. That’s why I don’t feel ready. I didn’t imagine it happening like this."
She nodded. Everything was quiet in the apartment. He felt he should say something, but he couldn’t think of what. So he stared at the coffee table hoping for inspiration.
Her hand reached for his and took the burning cigarette from him. At first he thought she would take a drag from it, but instead she ground the relatively fresh Marlboro into the ashtray. She then set the ashtray on the coffee table so she could sit next to him.
She took his hand. For the first time since the beginning of this fight (which seemed like an eternity ago to him) they were touching. His fingers savored hers.
"This is really important to me. It’s really important for us," she said quietly. "I really want to have this baby."
What can I say to that? he wondered. He wanted to look at himself in the mirror to see if he really looked like father material. His hair was still thick and dark, he was in good shape, there were no deep lines in his face. He was only 28.
There’s more to it than that. Indeed. There’d been more to it all along.
_________________
Jerry was throwing another party. This time it was a housewarming for the new townhouse he and two other people from the newspaper were moving into. Thom and Jenny had been dating for almost four months. They went on double-dates with Jerry and his new compact pony-tailed girlfriend Melissa from time to time, visiting art museums and bars in Washington, DC.
Thom was promoted a week before. Now he was a manager of the excavations and analysis instead of the field director. It meant writing up project conclusions and coordinating goals. More importantly, it was far more interesting than what he was doing before. When he told Jenny she hugged him fiercely and made him dinner. It was great having someone to share these things with. They also shared smoking now, except Thom made sure she didn’t smoke too much on account of her lungs. She was taking medicine from two inhalers that were doing wonders for her coughing problems. They both knew that eventually she would have to quit, but they approached that time slowly.
Thom and Jenny arrived with a bottle of wine. The usual newspaper crowd was there, along with assorted friends and dates. Jerry greeted them with customary flair, hugging Jenny while Thom hugged Melissa, and the wine was poured. The townhouse was nice, but it had the bachelor-pad feel to it. Some of the furniture was from Jerry’s old place, mixed in with ill-matching pieces from the other roommates, Dale and John. Jerry gave them the grand tour through all three levels, and Thom was impressed. Jerry was making out alright. Everyone was making out alright. He kissed Jenny on the temple and her eyes sparkled.
The two couples were sitting in the dining room, drinking wine and smoking. "The way I’ve got it figured, a couple more years of this and I’ll be a branch director," said Thom. "I’ll have thirty-five people working for me and we’ll be handling over one million dollars in contracts a year. My boss Lloyd talked to me about it when I got promoted. He said he liked my work and was thinking of sending a couple of special projects my way to see how I’ll do. I can’t wait. I’ve really been looking forward to this."
"You are just going gung-ho. That’s terrific," said Melissa.
Jenny squeezed his hand. "He’s always working, it seems. It gives me a chance to grade my student’s homework, including Thom’s." They all laughed. "But I think it’s great."
"You did it through hard work, my man," said Jerry. "I’m hoping the same thing. I’m already looking ahead to what I’ll be doing after the Daily."
Thom was excited. "Like what? ‘The Washington Post’?"
Jerry laughed a bit. "No, not quite that big. I sent some material to the ‘LA Times’ and got a callback. It’s nothing definite, of course, but that’s a big newspaper. They liked my format art idea. I’m thinking of trying to nail down something in the next year."
"That’s just super!" Jenny was ear-to-ear. Melissa was also beaming.
"LA? Wow, that’s a big change," said Thom. "You just moved in to here."
"Don’t worry, it’s a ways off yet. I’m not Mr. Famous Newspaper Man yet," he smiled.
Thom smiled back. "You’d better let me throw a going-away party for you before you leave us, you know."
"Sure thing." They toasted to early successes.
So Jerry wouldn’t be staying in the Virginia area much longer. Thom was really proud of him, but he knew he’d miss having someone to watch basketball or double-date with. He walked arm-in-arm with Jenny through the other circles of people, joining in conversations here and there. Thom had to wake up early the next morning for work, so he and Jenny made their exit a little prematurely. The men shook hands, the women hugged, and Thom was in his car driving Jenny home.
"Do you want to stay over tonight? I’ll make sure to set the alarm," she said.
"That’s alright. I have a little homework I want to get done before I turn in."
"That’s okay, you can do that too." Her fingers played with the arm of his shirt.
He looked over and she gave him her most winning smile. "Is it working? Come on, spend the night with me," she said. "It’s been a while, I’m getting worried."
He sighed. "Tell you what. I’ll sleep over on Friday. Things are a little hectic right now."
Her smile faded. She looked back to the road. "It’s just one night, you know."
He reached over and found her hand. "No, no, it’s not that. Hey, I’ll make it up to you. What do you say, I’ll make dinner and everything. Just you and me. We’ll stay in and watch movies and give each other backrubs."
She nodded, but there was no smile.
Her silence made him uncomfortable. "As long as you don’t mind a good action shoot-em-up flick," he said. "How about ‘Predator’?"
He hoped for a giggle or a laugh or anything, but her hand left his and punched his shoulder instead. "You’re such a man."
"Just kidding."
"Better be," she said as she looked over to him, "or you’re in trouble."
He didn't know whether to try holding her hand again or not. It then suddenly occurred to him that all the hand-holding in the world probably wouldn't make the situation any better, so he wondered instead about what was so important with staying over tonight.
________________
He went and got his drink of water finally. There was no concrete decision made, but at least he could get up and go to the kitchen without feeling he was walking away from the argument. The water gave him time to think some more. He wanted to think about the future, about how things were about to be different and what that was going to do to his life, but instead he thought about the birth-control. Did she forget a day? No, it was a morning ritual, like drinking a cup of coffee and kissing before they left to go to their jobs.
And her job! Later in the pregnancy she wouldn’t be working. Would she be getting paid for some of that time? He wasn’t sure. And there were doctor bills to be paid, work after the birth to be missed, day care and clothing and more doctor bills and getting up at all hours when the baby cried and feeding and changing diapers and on and on and on. Am I ready for this? He wondered now how any first-time father could be ready for the onslaught of concerns and worries a child brought.
And more than the child, what about him and Jenny? What about marriage? That was a serious question all in itself. Thom’s parents divorced when he was ten, and he secretly told himself that he would never get divorced. When he married, that was IT. Was Jenny the one? How was he supposed to know? What if she’s not? As a child he had hated the pressures and strains of having separated parents. He would never let a child of his go through that. Never.
He looked back out of the kitchen into the living room where Jenny was sitting on the couch, waiting for his return. Just looking at her made him feel guilty. You’re making excuses now. You know she’s better than that.
He rubbed his eyes. Alright, no excuses then. It was time to face her and his feelings for her. That’s all there was to it. It was the best thing.
Whatever you decide, you’d better be ready to stand behind it, Thom. He walked slowly from the kitchen to the living room, nursing his water in tiny sips. He was ready to figure it out.
_________________
They had been together for eight months when Thom got that horrible call from work about Jerry’s death. He was typing up a project analysis when Dale’s voice came from the other side of the phone. Dale’s words were shaking. It was a car accident, Jerry’s in the hospital. I’m there right now, and they told me he suffered too much head trauma and died about an hour ago. Thom didn’t know what to say. His first thought was that this wasn’t THE Jerry. Not the Jerry that was about to head out to LA for a formal interview with the Times. Not the Jerry who intended to take Melissa out there with him. Not the Jerry who threw the party where Thom first met Jenny. But it was.
"Does Melissa know?" was the only thing he could think of saying.
"She’s here with me."
Thom rubbed his forehead. "I’m going to call Jenny. Let’s all get together tonight."
"Yeah. Come over to our place. Bring whatever."
He called her immediately after hanging up. Her phone at the school was Auto-Dial #2, right below her home phone number. He didn’t remember what he said, but she kept asking if he was alright. Yes, I’m alright. I’ll pick you up as soon as I get off work. You sure? Yes. I’m going to take a little break right now and get some coffee. Do you want to talk about it a little now? No, I’ll be fine. Okay, I’ll see you soon. I’m sorry. It’s okay.
The get-together was about as morose as could be imagined. Dale and John were there, along with Thom, Jenny, Melissa, and seven others from the newspaper. Everybody was drinking, even if they didn’t normally. They all talked as a big group, telling stories. Jenny held his hand through the whole thing. He wouldn’t have let it go anyway.
People left as they had to. Thom, Jenny and Melissa were the last to go at midnight. Thom and Jenny hugged her tightly before she got into her car and waved as she drove off. Her eyes were wet, and they gleamed in the streetlight.
Thom and Jenny drove in a tired silence. He started thinking about her and him more now, in a more urgent way. It had been eight months now. They were leaving clothes at each other’s place, seeing each other practically every day. They held hands as he drove, and it felt like more than just a hand. It was her hand. It was suddenly very important to him now. He was tired and depressed, but she was right here next to him, just as tired and depressed. What a wonderful woman, he thought. She’s here when I need her. He looked over to her for a second, his eyes trailing over her face, and he wanted very much to do something to show his thanks.
Thom cleared his throat. "If it’s alright with you, I’d like to stay over at your place tonight. You’ve been so great today for me, and I just don’t want to go home by myself."
"Of course you may. I’d like that."
He looked over and gave her a smile of thanks, and she smiled back a you’re welcome.
In her bed, cuddled together, they talked for a while about Melissa. She and Jerry had been together almost as long as Thom and Jenny had. She cried while she talked about what a funny guy he was and how he had a dream of being a syndicated satirist someday. As they talked about this, Thom looked over at the silhouette of Jenny’s face as it regarded the ceiling. She was so peaceful and so strong. Her eyes were closed, but she sensed him looking at her and turned to face him. It was very quiet.
He took a breath. "You know, I’ve just been thinking about things. About us. About how wonderful you’ve been to me and everything."
"Yes?"
"And how we see each other all the time and have fun whenever we’re together."
She found and squeezed his hand. Like every other time, it was a shot of warmth up his arm. He squeezed back. It was a language, a code of affection between them. For Thom, this time held something a bit deeper. He started to question what he felt, but it was lost in the sweet scent of her breath.
"I was wondering what you would think," he said, paused, swallowed. "What you would think about maybe moving in with me, or me with you. I figured on my place since it’s a little bigger and I have it to myself."
"You really want to?"
His voice was with utter conviction. "I’d love to. I think it would be right for us."
"I think so too." Their lips found each other in the dark.
They lay there for a long time listening to each other’s breathing before going to sleep.
________________
She looked depressed when he came back from the kitchen. Her hands quickly covered the hand of his that didn’t hold the water. She was shaking slightly, and Thom realized that she wasn’t just upset, she was scared. She wasn’t like that when he left to go to the kitchen. What was wrong? Five minutes ago she was a rock, but it all washed away for some reason.
"What’s wrong, sweetheart?" he asked.
Her breathing became shorter, hitching slightly between words. "I’m afraid. I’m afraid that you don’t want this. That you think I’m forcing you. I just really really want this, Thom. I love you and I don’t want to lose you. I..." She was on the verge of tears. The whole outpouring was completely surprising him. At first he thought her asthma was acting up, even though it hadn’t in months. "I just really think it can work with us. I really want it to work with us."
_________________
She had finally quit smoking for good by the time he met her parents. Thom finally had enough time off to go with her to spend five days up in Hartford, Connecticut with her family for Christmas. They had heard all about Thom from the phone, but were a little leery about their daughter moving in with him without having met him first. The flight was short, and Jenny’s older sister Lisa and younger brother Mark met them at the airport. Thom was an only child, so the interaction of siblings intrigued him. Jenny told them all about Thom’s latest contract and her recent raise, and Thom interjected when he could. Mark was on his Winter Break from college while Lisa sold real estate in Pennsylvania. The conversation usually moved faster than Thom could keep up with, so he just relaxed.
"Mom and Dad are looking forward to meeting you," said Mark, looking back at Thom from the passenger seat. "They want to see who’s been sleeping with their daughter."
"Oh, you shut up," leered Jenny before giving Thom a reassuring look.
Mark laughed. "No, it’s cool. we’ve heard a lot about you. It’s about time we got to meet the legendary guy."
"Ah, no pressure. Great." Thom said with a grin. This was his first time really going to meet the parents of a girlfriend. It seemed to be a bigger step than it looked like on paper. It wasn’t just walking in, saying hi, and talking about this and that. They were going to look at him as a companion to their daughter. How they were as a couple. The implied marriage overtones that came with moving in together were not invisible either. This was a pretty important trip. But Jenny was pretty excited about having him meet her family, so he had that going for him. He had passed the Jenny Test. What could be harder than that?
"Don’t worry," Lisa said. She had Jenny’s hair and eyes but a more heavy-set jawline and olive skin. Her voice was a half-giggle. "They’ve been wondering when one of the kids is going to get married so they could have grandchildren. Maybe you’ll get the pressure off of Mark and I."
"Wonderful. Glad to be of help." They were all laughing except for Thom. He was just smiling. He could see the humor, but he wasn’t sure how much into the grandchildren thing he was willing to find funny yet. He thought that was a ways off. Ah, they were probably just joking anyway. The subject made the ride seem a lot longer than it really was.
________________
"I want everything to work out, too. Come here," he said, and they hugged for a long time. She sniffed against his shoulder, huddled against his chest. It was uncomfortable until she untucked her legs from underneath her and lay against him. He felt her breathing and closed his eyes. He didn’t want her to be scared. He had never thought about leaving her.
So if you’re not going to leave her, no matter what...?
Was she really afraid of that? Did she really think that he would run because of the pregnancy? He couldn’t possibly do that. He loved her. Didn’t she know that? They had talked about marriage before; she knew he wasn’t against the idea that they would tie the knot when things were ready. And they would be ready eventually. He had no doubt of that.
That’s what this is all about after all. His suggestion of abortion must have been a total rejection to her. Damn! That’s not how it was at all! It was time, then. It was a big decision, complete with many other future tough decisions, but it was the right thing. It was a leap of faith that made total sense. If she wanted to keep the baby, and leaving her was not an option, then dammit everything was going to work. All the problems, all the difficulties, they’d handle them as they came. That was the way it was supposed to be, wasn’t it?
"I didn’t mean it like it sounded," he said.
"What?" Her voice was muffled and small against his shirt.
"I never thought about leaving you. This all hasn’t gone as planned, but I will get over that. Let’s do it."
She pulled her face up to his, nose to nose, her hands to his cheeks, wet eyes to his. Her voice was stronger. "You will?"
"I will. The whole thing." It felt good just saying it.
"You will!" Her smile was a mixture of relief and joy. They kissed before she rested her head on his chest.
He felt so relieved that everything was figured out that he felt giddy. "So, what are we going to call it?"
She giggled. "What do you mean, 'it', kiddo?" They laughed together.
_______________
They were in the hospital, but he was in the waiting room while she was with the doctor. Thom was painfully nervous, wanting a cigarette badly even though Jenny had made him quit, getting a drink of water, thinking about a cigarette, getting a drink of water, looking down the hall, sitting down. The doctor said he was better off waiting outside instead of in here. That nearly scared the hell out of him. He wanted to be in there with her really badly right now. He looked at the clock so many times he swore it was broken.
________________
Jenny’s mother and father were both in their late-fifties, amazingly spry and active for their age compared to Thom’s parents. He was a late child. Her mother was all smiles at the door when they arrived. Mrs. Harlow was only a few inches over five feet tall, but she went a hundred miles an hour about things. Her hair was half-gray and half-dark brown, which explained Mark’s dark hair. Her chin was strong, her eyes bright brown (as if it were possible), and her skin aged but very soft and smooth, especially on her hands when she shook Thom’s. Mr. Harlow hovered behind her, a foot taller and bald with an honest working face and fleshy nose. His grip was firm and practiced; Thom felt like he was shaking hands with an executive.
The man sized up Thom in one look without a word before hugging his daughter. Jenny and her mother had already started what seemed to be a standard lightning-fast discussion of recent events, joined in quickly by Lisa. Mark didn’t join in. He was more interested in when dinner was going to be ready.
"I’ll show you to where you’ll be staying," Mr. Harlow said.
"Great. You have a nice house," said Thom. He meant it. His father was very well-to-do, so he was used to big comfortable houses. This house had four bedrooms, not including the master. It was more like a farm-style home than anything. Lots of rooms, lots of furniture, lots of history.
"Yeah. It got awfully lonely when the kids started moving out. It’s such a big house for just the wife and I." He picked up Jenny’s bag and started down a hall with Thom behind him.
"I can imagine. I was an only child, so our house always seemed big."
"I understand that your parents are divorced."
"Yes, since I was ten. The house got even bigger after that. My mother moved out and got her own place."
"Was it hard?"
"It took me a while to understand it all."
"This is Jenny’s room, I’ll drop off her bag for her," Mr. Harlow said, slipping into one door and leaving the bag on the bed. Her room was very yellow, but it looked sterile from non-use. "You’re downstairs."
Thom smiled. They wouldn’t be allowed to sleep together. He totally understood. "Lead the way."
The stairs were through a door opposite Jenny’s. Mr. Harlow was in front again. "Martha and I have been married for 27 years. Not a lot of people can say that."
"Unfortunately you’re right."
"It’s a shame, too. People just aren’t willing to stick it out anymore." The bottom of the stairs opened up to a family room with a TV and assortment of couches. Two bedrooms were adjacent to it, one being Mark’s and the other was the guest room. A sliding-glass door led from the family room to the backyard, which had an eager brown Labrador looking at them intently, wagging his tail madly. Thom smiled and waved at it.
"What’s his name?"
"Him? Our old boy? He’s Winston. Really friendly fellow he is, too. He tends to slobber and shed all over everything, so we keep him outside mostly."
"When everything is settled, I’d like to get a big lovable dog like that too."
"Settled?"
"You know. A house with a yard that he could run around in. An apartment right outside of Washington is hardly the place for a big dog like that."
"Yeah, they need space alright. Here’s your room," the father said, motioning to the guest room. The bedding was fresh and straight. The room was decorated in a mix of American art. "Look good?"
Thom set his bag on the floor. "Looks great."
"Come on up and let’s see what’s cooking."
"Sounds good." They started back up to the kitchen. "I hope to be as successful as you Mr. Harlow. You’ve really done well for yourself."
"Jenny tells me you work really hard."
"Yeah. I try to do things as well as I can."
Mr. Harlow stopped for a moment and looked back at Thom. "Then I’m sure you’ll do fine." Thom was pretty sure too.
_________________
The doctor finally came out to talk to him. Thom could have jumped on him. "How is she? How is everything?"
The doctor rubbed his forehead and his voice was hard. "Mr. Moreley, I’m sorry to tell you that Jenny has had a miscarriage. Her body had a bad reaction to the pregnancy and it aborted for her. There was really nothing I could do."
Thom’s heart sank until it seemed to implode. "I tried to get her in here as soon as I could. The moment she felt pain..."
The doctor put his hand on Thom’s shoulder. "I know you did. It’s alright. The miscarriage didn’t cause any damage to her uterus, so she looks like she’ll be able to carry another baby to term in the future without any problems. We’ll just have to make sure to watch her next time for signs."
Thom felt the back of his neck, the soreness from the long wait. "Yeah, that’s good I guess." God-DAMMIT this can’t be happening. I knew something was wrong, I just knew it. "Is she okay? Can I see her?"
"Of course. She really wants to see you. She’s very upset."
"I’m not much better," Thom said, and the doctor led him to the room where she was staying. She was staring at the ceiling. When Thom opened the door she threw her arms out to him.
"Thom! Oh God! It was so horrible Thom. I didn’t know what was wrong," she blurted out in one long stream as he rushed to her bedside and hugged her tightly, kissing her scalp and forehead. She was crying. She was crying so hard she couldn’t speak. So they just sat there, holding each other and crying. He was trying to think of something to say to make everything better, but he couldn’t think. He just told her he loved her again and again.
I guess now you have a chance to plan for next time instead, he thought, but that didn’t last long. She had been pregnant for two and a half months, and in that time he started really feeling ready. He wanted to be a father for that child. It was all working out after all, just as she had hoped.
He wished he had driven faster to get her to the hospital. He didn’t know what else he could have done.
________________
She had just finished moving in to Thom’s apartment for good. They had fun trying to figure out which piece of furniture went with what where, and then moving all the extraneous stuff to storage. That night was their first time living together instead of just staying over. It seemed like a totally different apartment with all of her stuff mixed with his. It was so exciting, almost like moving into a new house or something. She even had her own parking spot registered like he did.
After the celebratory sex, they lay together in their bed talking about what a wonderful step they had just made. Everything was perfect. The next day was Sunday, they planned on sleeping extra-late and playing around all day. There was nothing to worry about at all.
She finally drifted off to sleep, her soft warm body pressed against his, breathing softly. She was so happy, he thought. So was he. He wanted to spend every night like this, looking forward to the future with her, sharing everything they had. As he fell off into sleep he wondered if this was what it was like to be a husband.