I must type...

ok... time to blog a real post. The weekend was wonderful. I can't remember having spent a more enjoyable weekend in a very very long time. Thank goodness for good friends. ^^ I have a feeling this post is going to be kind of my way to lance my festering thoughts... So.. if i don't make whole lot of sense sorry.. and grammar is really going to go out the door.. deal. I feel the need to type.

Lately, as in the past few months... actually past year... i find that i am growing more and more intolerant of people. It's like the crotchety/cranky old man syndrome or something. I think i am just really tired. Tired of being everyones kleenex tissure... tired of being everyone's 'go to person' when they need exessive amounts of help. I think within reason it's cool... but a select few people i think have ruined it for everyone else. Add to that having to 'be there' for my family. I've had it up to here *hand to top of head* with people who refuse to help themselves. it's gotten to be too much for me.. i've reached my limits... does it make me a bad person to avoid those who put a drain me? i sure as hell hope not. i don't like being 'bitchy' i still care to a certain extent what ppl think of me. sure... we're taught to be like the good samariton... be like Christ. 'when i was hungry u fed me... ' etc. women are supposed to be nurturing, understanding, caring. fucking walk all over me rugs. *sigh* screw that dammit... and i'm not a bad person for feeling that way. then why the hell do i feel guilty about it.. i hate that i feel guilty for doing and feeling the way i have every right to feel. gender roles can be so fucked up. and yet.. i can't let go of some of them. I'm tired.... really really tired. everything is getting to me more than it should... does it show u guys? can u tell? i dunno.. i think a lot of times i have a way of burying what i've got going on inside me and let other ppl rant/rave... i'm always putting other ppls needs in front of my own. i have to deliberatly and diligently make sure i don't do that.. because old habits die hard. do i seem less patient? i wonder.. maybe it seems like i have a touch of perpetual pms. this isn't pms... wrong time for that... i'm not going to apologize for not being my 'sunny, cheerful self' that's my label isn't it? jin.. the sunny cheerful.. always there for u one? ugh... i don't like when i'm like this.. this feeling sorry for myself crap. i keep telling myself the things i would tell other ppl but dammit... that doesn't make it satisfying. I am getting scared that life is just going to continue on like this.. one gigantic uphill struggle... and never reaching the summit. the journey is the important part? fuck that. I wanna be there. i want to feel like i have something substantial to bring to the table.. none of these intangibles that i've been supposedly spending the past 6 years working on... yeah ok.. so i'm a lot more mature... stable than i used to be.. etc etc... i have the same reasons... excuses.. i dunno call them what u want. doesn't change the fact that i'm not where i want to be. i'm so dissatisfied with where i am at... i need a real fucking job.. i have no marketable skills that stand out in a resume or a cover letter... i didn't take the formula route and now it's biting me in the ass. does that mean need to find a non formula answer? but i want a formula job... at least for now.. i want to be financially secure.. i want to just be somewhat stable... do i have to settle and be a teller at a korean bank for pennies..? i'm worth more than that... ok.. so i'm working on my degree blah blah.. i'm 25...the fact of the matter is i work part time at a college... and i'm a student.. i don't even have a bachelor's degree... i've become one of the ppl who i thought were losers... i hate that. i used to be one of the smart ones that was really going to go somewhere with her life... i was an honor student... i was in a school for gifted kids... i suppose it's true what they say about IQ and EQ... how the hell did things manage to get so far from what i thought they would be in my life. in anycase.. back to the draining 'suck the very life force' out of you ppl in the world. i feel like i have a huge neon sign over my head blinking "dependant ppl can come to me for support." i think the last couple of months has been spent getting away from those ppl.. and surrounding myself with those who are self sufficient. I used to be so nice to everyone... i just don't even want to expend the energy anymore.. not unless you are what i deem worth my time... sounds pretty stuck up eh... i don't care. i have a right to be around people who are mutually uplifting.. not those who always take and take..and never return.. or use you because they can't help themselves... why is putting my own needs and priorities in front of others as far as my time goes such a bad thing? no more self sacrificing for the sake of others.. NO MORE. and this folks.. is why i need to stay the hell out of a relationship... because i'm just going to resent the energy that it is going to take on my part. yeah yeah.. i talk about wanting to meet new ppl... but really. i don't want to invest anything into anything in that regard right now.. or probably for a while to come. i want to stay in my comfort zone.. cocoon of mentally stable (well relatively speaking) friends... people who are at the same place in their lives. just chill... and if i am needy.. or whatever.. sorry. u should tell me, cause i'd hate to be too much of a hypocryte...

I feel like my mind retched and it ended up as what i typed... *sigh*

ok... i'm really going to resist the very strong urge i have to delete this post... i will say this as a sort of disclaimer... those of you who know me in real life.. take this at face value. don't try to read into who falls into what catagory. don't walk on egg shells around me.. or make assumptions because of this post. because.. those are the things i'm afraid will happen and are why part of my doesn't want to post this. i guess i just need to vent/whatever once in a while...