From the Pages of Worst Homes and Gardens. . .
The Kitchen of Winnie Witch

By Alex K.

Words can not describe Winnie's kitchen. The decaying wood stove against the back wall was made in the dark ages, and the pots and pans are covered with layers of spider webs. The food inside the 1942 General Electric refrigerator is so old it has turned to stone, but Winnie explained in a defensive tone of voice, "It's merely preserved." Winnie's walls are fossilized because they are so old, and they haven't been painted in a century or more. The spice rack dissolved and an ancient light fixture with faulty wiring dangles like a pendulum over the guest seat at the dinner table.

As soon as I sneezed, the light came down with a zap followed by a crash splintering one of the chairs. I sneezed because of the two and a half inches of dust on the butcher block table where Winnie prepared the roadkill she had collected for dinner. We walked carefully across the floor beams that were all that remained of Winnie's floor. Most of the floor had given way and a huge gaping hole was left in the middle of the kitchen. The dining table was balanced on the few remaining floor beams.

A cockroach scurried across the beam in front of us. I was just about to crush its exoskeleton when it said, "Stop! We're family!"

Startled, I quickly retracted my foot and looked at Winnie puzzled. "They have been here for over ninety years," Winnie smurked.

That is when I noticed the pendulum dangling above the door with a dagger balancing it on one side and her broom on the other side fixed like a launch pad. "I just can't get started like I used to; i need a boost know and again to get into the night sky."

When she pointed up with her long, bony sharp finger, I noticed the hole cut in the ceiling for a catapult to launch her through.

The photographer with me nervously began snapping photos as WInnie siad with a cackle, "I must be on my way now. Have you two idiots forgotten that it's Halloween night? I must attend a special meeting with all of my witch friends on the other side of the moon. With that, she blasted off on the catapult leaving my associate and me stunned and astonished in the amazing home of the magical, delightful Winnie the Witch.

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