TEASER
SCENE A
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
(Jerry, Elaine, George, Kramer)
JERRY, ELAINE, AND GEORGE ARE WATCHING T-V.
GEORGE
Oh, god, not Hard Copy.
ELAINE
Yeah, Jerry, switch it!
JERRY
All right, all right... where's the
remote?
THE DOOR FLIES OPEN, AND KRAMER ENTERS, CARRYING
THE REMOTE.
KRAMER
Okay, Jerry, call me a genius.
JERRY
Now what?
KRAMER
You know that little project I've
been talking about?
ELAINE
Oh, God, not another money-making
scheme.
KRAMER
Yeah, but this one'll work!
"Return of the Dingoes" First Draft 10/26/95 2
(TEASER)
GEORGE
You see Kramer, that's the difference
between you and me. When I get in to
my lame-brained schemes, I know it
won't work, so I'm never disappointed.
But you -- such spunk! It's just
hard to watch.
GEORGE MOVES CLOSER TO THE T-V, AND WATCHES
INTENTLY.
KRAMER
Yeah, well, wait'll you see what I
did with Jerry's remote.
JERRY
Oh, Kramer, no...
KRAMER POINTS THE REMOTE AT HIS HEAD, PRESSES A
FEW BUTTONS, AND HIS HAIR LIGHTS UP, AN INTRICATE
WEB OF CHRISTMAS-STYLE LIGHTS MOVING IN A PULSATING
PATTER.
KRAMER
Instant conversation starter, huh?
Trouble meeting chicks? No more!
Not with Cosmo Kramer's Party Hair!
ELAINE
Turn it off! I'm getting sick to my
stomach.
GEORGE
Maybe you're pregnant...
ELAINE
I think not!
"Return of the Dingoes" First Draft 10/26/95 3
(TEASER)
GEORGE
No, no, look at this story on Hard
Copy. This lady in California didn't
even know she was pregnant, and she
gave birth!
ELAINE
Maybe the dingoes brought her a baby...
JERRY
What are you people, nuts? If you're
going to have a baby, certain things
happen so you know.
GEORGE
She didn't know.
JERRY
Of course she knew! She just didn't
know that she knew.
GEORGE
You're saying she knew, but didn't
know?
JERRY
No.
GEORGE
No?
JERRY
No, she knew she knew. She just didn't
know she knew.
"Return of the Dingoes" First Draft 10/26/95 4
(TEASER)
ELAINE
So she knew she knew, but didn't know?
JERRY
I know!
KRAMER MAKES TO LEAVE.
KRAMER
Too much for me. I'm going to de-
string my head. These lights are
getting hot.
GEORGE
Now that makes sense. We don't want
another Michael Jackson situation on
our hands.
KRAMER
Hey!
GEORGE
No, the other Michael Jackson
situation...
KRAMER
Oh.
KRAMER EXITS, AND THE GROUP AGAIN GATHERS AROUND
THE T-V.
ELAINE
Okay, can we switch to something
better?
JERRY
Nope. Kramer's still got the remote.
"Return of the Dingoes" First Draft 10/26/95 5
(TEASER)
ELAINE
Well, get off your fat butt and change
the channel manually.
JERRY
Can't.
ELAINE
Why not?
GEORGE
(LOW)
This'll be good.
JERRY
Doesn't have a manual.
ELAINE
What, no switch?
JERRY
Nope.
ELAINE
No knob?
JERRY
None at all.
ELAINE
Who makes this T-V? Lazy-boy?
"Return of the Dingoes" First Draft 10/26/95 6
(TEASER)
JERRY
Hey, when I bought it, I had to ask
myself: Could I ever envision a
situation whereby I would actually
want to walk over to the T-V to change
the channel, instead of using the
remote?
ELAINE
And the answer was no?
JERRY
Obviously, I couldn't forsee the
discovery of Cosmo Kramer's Party
Hair.
ELAINE
Obviously. So we have to watch Hard
Copy, and the miracle family?
GEORGE
That story's almost over. Something
else will be on in a second.
REVERSE ANGLE ON TV
WE SEE THE HARD COPY ANCHOR READING A TEASE OF AN
UPCOMING STORY.
ANCHOR
And next, the hottest trend in hair
styling. Who'll be the first to tap
in to the Party Hair express?
FROM THE HALL, WE HEAR:
"Return of the Dingoes" First Draft 10/26/95 7
(TEASER)
KRAMER (V.O.)
Ahhhh!
ELAINE
Guess you'll never get that remote
back now.
GEORGE
Hope you like this channel.
JERRY
Maybe I'll just buy a new T-V.
ELAINE
Why don't you get 20 new T-V's, one
for each of your favorite channels?
JERRY
Oh, very droll, Miss Benes.
GEORGE
"Droll?" Since when do you say
"droll?"
JERRY
Since she acts it.
ELAINE
You don't even know what "droll" means,
do you Jerry?
JERRY
(DEFENSIVE)
I do so! It means... drollish. Droll-
like. Like you.
"Return of the Dingoes" First Draft 10/26/95 8
(TEASER)
GEORGE
I'm feeling a bit drollish, myself.
ELAINE
Oh, and me, too; I've felt more droll-
like.
WE HEAR A LOUD POP, AND ANOTHER OFF-SCREEN WAIL
FROM KRAMER.
JERRY
There goes the Party Hair express.
ELAINE
They turned out the lights..
GEORGE
The party hair is over.
END OF TEASER