TEASER
SCENE A
INT. CENTRAL PERK - MORNING - (DAY 1)
(Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, Monica, Ross, Rachel, Kid
1, Mother)
THE GROUP HAS GATHERED FOR MORNING COFFEE AND
NEWSPAPERS. RACHEL IS SITTING, NOT SERVING.
CHANDLER
Oh, check this out! They pulled this
kid's head out of drain-pipe.
JOEY
What's so unusual about that?
CHANDLER
It was at the zoo...
ROSS
So?
CHANDLER
..connected to the hyena cage...
MONICA
Euw!
JOEY IS MOVING CLOSER TO CHANDLER.
CHANDLER
And it was feeding time...
PHOEBE
Okay, I think we get the picture!
RACHEL
Yeah, I mean, leave something to our
imagination.
"The One With the Sudden Baby" First Draft 10/26/95 2
(TEASER)
JOEY
(MESMERIZED)
Did they eat him?
CHANDLER
Yes, Joey. They ate him. Bit by
bit.
JOEY
All right!
CHANDLER
(SCOLDING)
Of course they didn't eat him! What
kinda' sicko are you?
JOEY
Well, they could have eaten him...
ROSS
If they let the hyenas into the drain
system at the Zoo..
RACHEL
...which they don't...
MONICA
..'cause who wants to see a hyena in
our sewer system?
A SMALL CHILD POPS HIS HEAD UP FROM BEHIND THE
COUCH.
KID #1
Oh! A hyena! And Simba, the Lion
King of the Jungle!
HIS MOTHER APPEARS TO WHISK HIM AWAY.
"The One With the Sudden Baby" First Draft 10/26/95 3
(TEASER)
MOTHER
Timmy! Don't talk to strangers!
THEY EXIT. THE GROUP CONTINUES TO LOOK THROUGH
THE NEWSPAPERS.
PHOEBE
Omigod! Rachel, Mon, look at this
one.
THEY GATHER OVER HER SHOULDER.
RACHEL/MONICA
Oh god! No way! Get out!
PHOEBE
I mean, really!
THE GUYS CRANE THEIR NECKS FOR A BETTER VIEW.
ROSS
Hey!
PHOEBE
Yeah?
ROSS
Hey... we're feeling a bit left out.
PHOEBE
I know! We're all over here reading,
and you're not!
CHANDLER
Howsabout we make the transition from
"reading" to "sharing?"
MONICA
Oh, I don't think so.
"The One With the Sudden Baby" First Draft 10/26/95 4
(TEASER)
RACHEL
This is a chick thing.
PHOEBE
Def chi thi.
THE GROUP STARES.
PHOEBE (CONT'D)
I don't have time to say the whole
words.
MORE STARES.
PHOEBE (CONT'D)
Okay, okay! Definite Chick Thing!
You happy?
CHANDLER
Ye we a ha, Phoe.. ("Yes, we are happy,
Phoebe.")
PHOEBE
Very funny.
JOEY
(IMPATIENT)
So! What's the big news?
RACHEL
You are not going to believe this.
CHANDLER
We might, if you tell us.
MONICA
No, really, this is one for the books.
"The One With the Sudden Baby" First Draft 10/26/95 5
(TEASER)
ROSS
Yes?
MONICA
Okay, there were these two people.
And they had known each other for a
long time. And so...
PHOEBE
(INTERRUPTING)
This lady didn't even know she was
pregnant and went to the hospital and
had a baby!!!
RACHEL
Well, that would be the short version,
Phoebs. The long version is good,
too.
PHOEBE
Sorry, couldn't wait. You know, the
story was getting all, like,
unbelievable and stuff? So it had to
come out in a hurry.
JOEY
Like the baby?
PHOEBE
Exactly!
END OF TEASER
"The One With the Sudden Baby" First Draft 10/26/95 6
(ONE/B)
ACT ONE
SCENE B
INT. CENTRAL PERK - MOMENTS LATER - (DAY 1)
(Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, Monica, Ross, Rachel)
THE GROUP IS STILL PONDERING THE AMAZING PREGNANT
WOMAN STORY IN THE PAPER.
MONICA
Can you believe it?
RACHEL
Is that wild?
ROSS
Yeah, like it really happened!
CHANDLER
C'mon, had a baby and didn't know she
was pregnant? Didn't know? Hello?
How do you not know you're going to
have a baby?
JOEY
Maybe the chick was huge to begin
with...
RACHEL
I think not! Look, says here she was
only 5'2", and not much more than 100
pounds.
ROSS
How "not-much-more...?"
"The One With the Sudden Baby" First Draft 10/26/95 7
(ONE/B)
RACHEL
(DEFENSIVE)
Not much more!
CHANDLER
Must have been one small baby.
PHOEBE
Nope. Healthy as can be. Almost six
and a half pounds.
ROSS
And she didn't know?
MONICA
Nope.
ROSS
How do you, "not know?"
PHOEBE
Oh there's ways to "not know."
ROSS
Really?
PHOEBE
Oh, I know ways to "not know."
ROSS
You know?
PHOEBE
No... you DON'T know. That's the
problem.
"The One With the Sudden Baby" First Draft 10/26/95 8
(ONE/B)
RACHEL
What problem?
(INDICATES PAPER)
Says here everybody's health, happy,
and looking forward to the future.
ROSS
(WISTFUL)
A baby... a family... Mom and Dad
and a new kid.
CHANDLER
That is what we consider a family
here in America, yes.
ROSS DRIFTS, LOST IN HIS FANTASY OF A REUNITED
FAMILY.
CHANDLER (CONT'D)
Hey, hey, come back to us, big guy!
JOEY
Yeah, Ross, Chandler's right. You
can't let family-related news get you
in a funk.
PHOEBE
Because Ross...
(LOOKING VERY SINCERELY AT
HIM)
WE need the funk.
CHANDLER
(PICKING IT UP)
Got to have the funk!
"The One With the Sudden Baby" First Draft 10/26/95 9
(ONE/B)
PHOEBE
(LOW AND "FUNKY")
Owww!
MONICA
Okay.... the Mothership is landing,
and I've got to make the connection.
SHE GETS UP TO LEAVE, AND THE OTHERS FOLLOW.
ROSS
(SIGHING)
A family...
JOEY
(TO ROSS)
You gonna be okay?
ROSS
Yep.
(INDICATING NEWSPAPER)
I was just thinking about how lucky
they are.
THE GROUP EXITS.
END OF ACT ONE