So I’m sitting at work the other night, and a romantically-challenged friend decides to toss away her copy of the million-selling guidebook for dating in the ‘90s, "The Rules." She dismisses the tome, saying a friend gave it to her, and she didn’t really see any use in following said Rules.

Well, in the interest of research, I gobbled up this book, happy to read just what it was that was being programmed into so many women’s heads these days. What I found scared me, enlightened me, and gave me a bit more understanding into the reason I find myself 30 years old and single.

Some of "The Rules" are just common sense tidbits of advice.

Rule 23 — "Don’t Date a Married Man." I’m okay with that one; from my perspective, it thins out the already crowded field of competitors.

Rule 34 — "Love Only Those Who Love You," seems okay in my book.

Rule 35 — "Be Easy To Live With" is a welcome attitude. Does this mean we can leave the seat up every now and again, without it becoming a Federal case? (Not habitually, mind you – just every now and then. I’m single, not a moron.)

Then there are some Rules I question.

Rule One — "Be A Creature Unlike Any Other," seems to be of limited use. Perhaps the Rules authors were merely foretelling this year’s remarkable developments in the field of cloning technology. (Dolly the lamb clone is many things, but she is not a creature unlike any other! Fortunately, I do not consider her appropriate dating material. It's not that bad ... yet.)

Rule 17 — "Let Him Take the Lead" is a bit of a downer, too. You know, it’s almost the year 2000. I thought we’d gotten past that?

Rule 19 — "Don’t Open Up To Fast" sounds more like advice for a baby flower than a strategy for dating.

Here are the Rules that really bum me out the most:

Rule 2 — "Don’t Talk to a Man First (And Don’t Ask Him to Dance)." This rule should be applied vigorously by people who really, really don’t want to meet people. I guarantee you’ll spend a lot of your time in silence if you follow this one.

Rule 5 — "Don’t Call Him, and Rarely Return His Calls." Good only if you’re in eighth grade.

Rule 7 — "Don’t Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday." This Rule makes no determination if you already have a date for the weekend or not. Instead, it is a blanket exhortation to stay home, and not go out at all (which, strangely, seems to be the "real world" logic behind many of the Rules).

Now, we get in to the Rules that I think are downright scary.

Rule 25 — "Practice, Practice, Practice" tells women to stay true to this cult-like philosophy.

Rule 27 — "Do The Rules, Even When Your Friends and Parents Think It’s Nuts." Notice this one does not even say "IF your friends and parents think it’s nuts." This rule comes right out and admits it: If you follow these Rules, people you love and respect will think you are crazy. (Guess what? They’ll be right, too.)

Rule 31 — "Don’t Discuss The Rules With Your Therapist." Am I the only one alarmed by this? I believe a similar encouragement is given in the Hare Krishna pamphlet. "If you decided to join us, for God’s sake, don’t discuss it with a trained mental health professional!"

Rule 33 — "Do The Rules and You’ll Live Happily Ever After." I disagree.

"For some reason, where love is concerned, ignorance and confusion are not a handicap to being considered an expert."

Also:

"If what appears to be a passionate attraction is able to sustain itself for at least a year, then it can correctly be defined as love, even if by that point both people actively hate each other."

Merrill used to be Dave Letterman’s gal, and you can see why. She writes with flair and insight, just staying on this side of the point where you want to say, "Okay, Merrill, it can’t be that bad!" That fact that she’s laugh-out-loud funny helps you deal with her huge dose of bitterness. With chapter titles like "Tips on Dating a Crazy Person," and "Marriage: What the Hell is Going On Exactly?" you get a pretty good idea of Merrill’s outlook on the dating game. Look for her book in the humor section of your local bookstore. (That's where I found, and bought it.) It’s a lot more fun, and a hell of a lot funnier than any Rules I’ve read lately.

Why the focus on love books this week? Absolutely no reason at all. Really.