They changed my childhood.

I don’t know why, or how, but it turns out, with enough money, this can be accomplished.

The "they" in question is director/producer/writer/legend George Lucas. And for whatever reason, he decided not to leave well enough alone. Sure, "Star Wars" was the third highest-grossing movie of all time. But wouldn’t be a little bit better with just a tweak to the special effects here and there? And boy, some of the character bits come off a little bit nasty these days. How about we digitally modify our hero so he appears more heroic, and less of a scoundrel?

George, you had me with the special effects. You lost me when you neutered Han Solo.

I have nothing against upgrading the already spectacular special effects for a "Special Edition." That part of the film was wonderful. The new scenes are a sight to behold (although I was surprised to see in the intervening 20 years that Mos Eisley spaceport had been overrun by mutant, midget kangaroos), mostly serving to enhance the story. The music is crystal clear, booming out from THX-quality speakers in a way we’ve always dreamed of hearing it. The hundreds of people who joined me for a late Friday night screening certainly had a great time (as did I, it should be noted). We cheered, we yelled, we laughed, we went absolutely bonkers for a movie in which we knew every line, every wink, every crescendo, every twist.

And still …

There was this one guy who sticks in my mind. He was walking back and forth in front of Mann’s Chinese Theater, like a pious preacher at frat house toga party. He held a simple, crudely lettered sign, reading "They Ruin Star Wars." This sign, of course, had absolutely no effect on the legions of Storm Troopers marching back and forth in front of the theater, no bearing on the battling Boba Fetts, no stirring in the Force for the dueling Darth Vaders who’d come to celebrate their own particular brand of religion.

But then there was this one scene that got me thinking. Han Solo is a scoundrel. He says so himself. So in the original version of "Star Wars," when during the famed Cantina scene, he blasts Greedo (a nasty alien bounty hunter who’s come to either kill or bribe Han), nobody much cares. Han outsmarts Greedo, casually firing a hip shot from underneath a table, and we all go away happy (except, of course, for poor Greedo, who dies, and should have known better.)

George Lucas needed this changed. Why he needed it changed, I’m not sure. It’s a great movie moment, coming at the end of the audience’s introduction to Han, and perfectly setting up his character. Now, in the Special Edition, it’s Greedo who fires first. This is just dumb. First, Greedo misses by a good three feet, from nearly point blank range. Yeah, right. Second, it totally changes the meaning of the scene, if you now think Han was firing in self-defense, instead of just doing what comes naturally to him as a rouge smuggler. Am I the only one who sees something wrong with using technology to update the character actions in this classic film to conform to politically correct ideas about who should fire first? Now, it’s Greedo, the obvious bad guy, who has to go for his gun. Gah. Let Han be Han. By the end of the film, we know he's the good guy, and has grown to the point where he probably wouldn't do the same thing again. Then again, maybe he would! That's why we love him!

Folks, if you think I’m making way too much of this, you’re probably right. Just don’t be surprised to see this scene at the end of the next "Casablanca" reissue:

Yikes.