updated 4/21/04

TITLE: The Mind of a Man - Daniel
AUTHOR: D'Rinda
EMAIL: jenifer624@earthlink.net
CATEGORY: angst, drama, Daniel POV
RATING: PG - mild language
SEASON/SEQUEL: set after Lost City Pt. 2
SPOILERS: anything in the series is up for grabs here, including some rumors about season 8
SUMMARY: Daniel reflects on the current situation.
ARCHIVE: Please ask first
STATUS: complete (possibility of a series for all the guys)
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are not mine (wish they were). They belong to a bunch of suits at MGM, I think. I'm not making any money, so please don't sue me. This is for entertainment purposes only. Not to be archived without permission.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Feedback is welcome, but please be kind. Special thanks to xayeidemon for beta-ing for me.
DEDICATION: for JeffVT, who said "Just write something already!"

~*~

People think that I still do this job because of all the fascinating finds that are still waiting to be discovered "out there." I often let them.

I might not have felt the need to say anything if the President hadn't yanked General Hammond out from under us, trying to stuff Dr. Weir into his place.

Nothing against Dr. Weir.

I try to be fair to all people coming into a difficult situation but...we trusted the General. We knew where we stood with him. A lot of the people who are privy to the activities of the SGC tend to think that SG-1 is the backbone of this project but I have to disagree. General Hammond is what makes us all able to stand tall.

When Dr. Weir came in to replace the General, I was prepared to be unhelpful - Hey, after 7 years along side Jack I've become quite skilled at being annoying.

Then I met her.

How do you give grief to yourself? That's who she was...me, 8 years ago, when I had never heard of the Stargate. Back then I couldn't stand the military mindset, either.

So much has changed since then.

I found out that my "crazy" ideas weren't so crazy after all. I found a woman that completed me, and, after only a short time, lost her. I fought to recapture that love and when that wasn't possible anymore I fought to protect what was left from her; her child.

When Sha're died, I was ready to leave...would have left, but for the child. But when the child, Shifu, was found, I still stayed. I couldn't find it in me to leave. I was so empty...empty of purpose. I tried to bury myself in my work like I did before Sha're and, for a time, that helped.

Then Sarah was taken.

It seemed that I was doomed to loose everyone I cared about to the Goa'uld. Sarah wasn't Sha're, but I had cared for her. It gave me a purpose again. Always, on every mission, in the back of my brain was the possibility that I might find her and free her...a thing I wasn't able to do for my beloved.

Then my death...or ascension...or whatever.

I remember why I chose to ascend, even if I don't remember the rest. I wanted my purpose again. I wanted to find the joy in discovery that I had had that first time I stepped through the Gate. I thought Oma could give that to me.

It was doomed to fail.

I don't know what I did or what happened that I got sent back but I have my suspicions.

Thinking back now, the turning point is easy for me to identify. It was the Quantum Mirror, you see. Before that I never really believed we were at war. I know, that sounds stupid for someone as educated as me but even with all the skirmishes and close calls I had been through I was able to see it more as an adrenaline rush than a war. We always had Earth, and, though that was threatened more than once, it seemed, to me at least, that it couldn't possibly be destroyed.

All that changed when I went through the Quantum Mirror.

I saw Earth fall to the Goa'uld. I saw my friends and loved ones die...heck, *I* died in that reality. I saw what could be for our Earth and suddenly the military wasn't so bad, so paranoid.

Even though, when I came back, I clung to the illusion of my old self, deep down I had realized that we were at war, really at war. That realization stuck with me, no matter how hard I tried to stuff it into a little box in my mind. I suspect that it got out while I was ascended and, perhaps, informed some of my decisions and, then, my actions.

My actions were obviously not approved of, so they sent me back. I don't know for sure if that is how it happened but it feels right to me.

When the SG teams found me on that planet, I was a different person. I didn't realize how different I was until I started to regain my memories. It was good for me. To not have to recall all the pain all at once. I remembered bits of me first, like my inborn curiosity. After that, some of the joy of discovery came back. And then piece-by-piece, I began to put myself back together, some pieces more painful than others. The picture I became was not the same one I had started as. There were pieces missing. So I searched. I looked for Sarah, because I thought maybe she could fill that space, but I couldn't find her.

And then she came to me.

And, with the help of my friends, she was freed. I was happy for her and I cared for her, still do, but, in the end, she still wasn't Sha're.

Looking back wasn't helping me, so I tried to look forward. My friendship with Janet Frasier grew. I could talk to her. She was kind and caring...even if she was scary as CMO... Sorry, too much time spent with Jack. Guess I'm learning to hide my pain behind sarcasm, too. We never did actually go out on a date. It was a little intimidating, to say the least, to consider asking someone from the SGC out. The regulations don't really apply to me, since I'm not military, and Janet wasn't my commanding officer but I knew everyone made bets about everyone else. It was a way to ease tension. But I still didn't want to draw that kind of attention to myself, so I decided to take it real slow. I was getting used to the idea when she died.

I'll always wonder what could have been.

I didn't cry over Janet. Well...not much...not like for Sha're...because that spark that was just coming back to life was so new, so small that it didn't hurt as much when it was snuffed out. I think, in time, I could have loved her, too. But we weren't given the chance.

Again, I buried myself in my work. I went on missions and kept looking...for something...something to focus all of me on, so I wouldn't hurt anymore, be lonely anymore.

I buried myself in the search for the Ancients Lost City. It bit me like a bug. When I found the reference to another Repository of Knowledge I knew I could have a purpose.

I thought it out well in advance.

If we couldn't get the storage unit back to Earth, I would do what Jack had already done. But when the time came and that drastic action was actually needed, I hesitated.

And Jack, damn him, had to be a hero.

Not that he would have put it that way, but, hey, actions speak louder than words. Jack knew we really didn't have much choice. It was only the 4 of us, and Teal'c couldn't do it even if he wanted to. Then I hesitated and Jack, of all people, had to think!

Who would translate all the crazy things that came out of his mouth? he said.

That wasn't the real reason. I suspect he rushed into the embrace of that depository to save Sam, so that Sam wouldn't get the crazy idea to do it herself. I would never say anything like that to her, though. The guilt would crush her, and she is just a little too fragile these days, even if she does pretend to be fine. Without Janet to call her on it, and Jack to back Janet up, Sam is as close to the edge as she has ever been.

Neither Teal'c, nor myself are blind. We've seen the way they were together. And even if nothing was going on, which I'm sure was the case, as they are both insanely uptight about the "regulations" there are times when Jack's decisions have been made to spare a certain Major, so the stupid regulations don't work anyway. And, yeah, he would do the same for each of us but...well, who's to say? I know Janet saw something there, but she just left it alone, which is wise advice, and I'm going to follow it...for now.

We don't know what is going to happen next. The world is trying to rebuild from the "meteor shower" we experienced, thanks to Anubus. Jack is a...a...Jackcicle (that one's for you, Jack) and we still haven't been able to contact the Asgard. The power source for the planetary weapon is depleted and Sam can't figure out how to renew it. And even if we could, it won't work without Jack. And suppose we could figure just how to thaw him out without killing him, the knowledge itself would eventually kill him anyway.

And then, let's just top it all off with the fact the we're no closer to finding the real
Lost City of the A...
Hang on! That gives me an idea. Sorry, I gotta go.

The End
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