I was talking with a professor of comparative religions the other day. I was asking him about the rather odd concept of a trinity. He told me that he had just learned about a strange new religion that had just popped up, almost from nowhere, it seems, in the small town of Hot Coffee, Mississippi. He said that this religion was very similar to Christianity, but it had some rather odd names for the "persons" of their trinity. Apparently, the name of the Father is "Who," the name of the Son is "What" and the name of the Holy Spirit is "I Don't Know."
I was wondering if I'd heard correctly. I asked for clarification. "Who is God the Father?"
"That's right," he replied.
"Excuse me?"
"Who is the Father in this religion," he said - rather placidly, I thought.
"I thought you knew," I said. "After all, you're the professor who's been studying these people."
"I have. Who is the Father."
"I don't know," I said.
"Ah, now," came the response. "There's an interesting subject!"
"Excuse me?" I said again, surprised.
"The Holy Spirit that these people worship."
"OK," I said, happy to move on. "What's the name of their Holy Spirit?"
"No," said the professor. "What's the name of the Son."
"Don't you know?" I asked.
"Of course I know. I just told you."
"What?"
"Of course."
"What's the name of their Holy Spirit?"
"I Don't Know is the name of their Holy Spirit. What is their Son."
"I thought you told me you knew their names."
"I did," said the professor.
"So who is the Father of this trinity?"
"Yes."
"That's the name?"
"Yes."
"So the Father's name is 'Yes'?" I was starting to feel that I was figuring this out.
"No, Who is the father."
"What?"
"What's the Son's name"
"I don't want to get into that yet. I'm trying to figure this out. Now, who is the Father in this trinity?"
"Yes."
"Yes is his name?"
"No, Who is the Father."
"I don't know."
"That's the Holy Spirit."
I had a feeling that we weren't communicating very well. I decided I needed to try a different tack if I was ever going to iron this out. I said, "Look - prof - I just want to check a few facts. OK?"
"Sure," he said with a smile. "Fire away."
"You say that this religion worships a three-in-one god."
He nodded.
"And these three 'aspects' of their singular god have different names, right?"
"That's correct," he said, smiling. I felt good. I thought that I was finally making progress.
"And you know these names?" I asked, feeling that I was now treading onto thin ice. The professor again nodded.
"So - who is the Father in this trinity?"
"Naturally," he said. I was a little surprised to get a straight answer.
"Naturally?" I asked. He nodded
"Good! Now, who is the Son?"
"Who is the father," he countered. The thin ice was cracking, apparently.
"I don't know."
"That's the Holy Spirit."
I sighed. Back to the beginning. "Look," I said. "All the people in this religion - they pray, do they?"
"Yes."
"And they usually pray to the Father part of the trinity?"
"That's right."
"So they say the name of this Father in their prayers?"
The professor nodded, smiling - the smug bastard.
"And they pray to who?" I asked (perhaps a little ungrammatically, I suspect).
"Naturally."
"They pray to Naturally?"
"No, they pray to Who."
"I don't know!" Immediately, I realized what would be coming next, and managed to chime in along with the professor for "Holy Spirit!"
I decided I needed to move on. Perhaps things would clear up as I got more information out of this data-miser. "OK," I said with a sigh. "Let's get into something new. What's the name of this trinity's Son?"
"Correct," he said.
"Come again?" I asked.
"What's the name of the Son."
"Well, I was just now asking you."
"And I told you," he said.
"What?"
"Correct."
"They call the Son 'Correct'?"
"No, What is the Son's name"
"I don't know - and you'd better not even *dream* of saying 'Holy Spirit'!"
"Suit yourself," said the professor.
I took a couple of deep breaths. This was becoming quite a puzzle. I decided to have one last go at it.
"OK," I began. "They have a Son? One they think was a savior sort of person?"
The professor nodded.
"And so he was some sort of man-god type of character?"
Another nod.
"And while he was on Earth, he had a name?"
"He'd have had to have one, you know."
"Of course. So tell me - what was his name?"
"Naturally."
At this point, I decided it was too weird for my liking. "Professor," I said, "that's one bizarre religion you've dug up there. I'm glad I don't have to figure it out."
"Oh don't fret about it," he replied. "Whoism is a harmless and relatively easy to understand religion. If you want to see a truly strange religion that can't be figured out, you'd have to study Christianity."
"Finally!" I said. "You have at last said something I can understand and agree with!"