Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling discovery, still being investigated, is tentatively being called Religionium (Re).
The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however have 1 neutron, 75 "cardinal" neutrons, 111 "bishop" neutrons and 125 "priest" neutrons, for an atomic weight of 312. These 312 particles are held together and supported by a cloud of particles called morons and a vast number of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Religionium is inert. However, it can be detected easily as it impedes every chemical reaction into which it is introduced.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Re caused one reaction to take over 4 days to complete, when it would normally have taken less than a second. Re has a half-life of around 2000 years. It does not decay; instead, it undergoes a reorganization in which the outward appearance of the nucleus changes slightly, some particles are "borrowed" from neighboring elements, and the internal structure is shifted slightly.
In fact, some sample masses of Re have increased over time. It was found that some morons that held the nucleus together tended, after a period of close association with the nucleus, to "receive a call" and become "priest" neutrons, forming new isotopes.
This characteristic of "moron ordination" has led some scientists to speculate that "Religionium" is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass." You'll recognize it when you see it.