One of America's founding fathers, Ben Franklin, had some rather odd notions when it came to theology. I recall once reading something he wrote, saying he thought that the cosmos was created by an omnipotent creator, and that this creator was different from the God of the Bible. He thought that maybe every star in the sky had a solar system like ours and that each solar system had a local god created by the universal creator to take care of things on a "local" level.
This idea got me to thinking: what would it be like if old Jehovah had to head upstairs to the boss's office once every 10,000 years for a performance review?
Scene: The waiting room outside the Creator's office. Nice carpets. A few potted plants. Some expensive artwork on the walls. Very plush sofas, with a couple of dieties sitting and chatting: Snolfa, in charge of Sirius, and Wizpat, in charge of Betelgeuse.
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Snolfa: |
So, Wizpat! How are things out your way? |
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Wizpat: |
Same ol' same ol', buddy. Not a lot going on in my neck of the woods, you know. Red giants aren't much to manage, you know. Mine consumed eight of its planets when it went to red, oh about 75 million years ago. So I've just been knocking around, you know. Piddling around with some crystalline creatures on the one outer planet that was left. Getting things in order for the nova explosion. Checking out the wanted ads for a new star to move to once this one snuffs it. |
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Snolfa: |
Sounds pretty dull. I'd recommend getting a dual star system next time, like mine. Man, they're too cool. Loads of fun. And it's always fun to watch the neighbors. You got any fun neighbors? |
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Wizpat: |
No, not really. Things are a little thin in my area. What about you? |
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Snolfa: |
Oh I have one neighbor, about 12 light years away. I've been watching over his shoulder for the last reiew period. You won't believe what he's been doing! |
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Wizpat: |
Who would that be? |
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Snolfa: |
New kid in the galaxy. Calls himself Jehovah. |
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Wizpat: |
<snorts> What sort of name is that? The kid must think he's hot stuff! |
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Snolfa: |
You don't know the half of it. I heard he's coming in today for a performance review, and the Boss is Not Happy. Seems he's been tinkering with the evolution on one of his planets. |
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Wizpat: |
Hooo boy! One of those! |
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Snolfa: |
Yep. And he did things all against The Manual. Like creating two intelligent beings to start a species. |
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Wizpat: |
WHAT?! That's the stupidest thing I've heard of in two billion years! And let me tell ya, I've heard plenty of stupid things in two billion years! |
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Snolfa: |
Wait! That wasn't the best part! This numbskull put his two language-speaking, intelligent beings in a garden, see, and then told them they weren't allowed to learn the difference between right and wrong! |
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Wizpat: |
Wow! Let me get this straight. This young whipper-snapper gets on his high horse and creates intelligent beings for his world, then tells them they can't be intelligent? |
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Snolfa: |
Almost. He told them how to become intelligent, but that if they did, he'd kill them. |
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Wizpat: |
You're putting me on! |
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Snolfa: |
Creator's honor! I mean this guy has seriously fouled up his creatures. It gets worse, you know. |
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Wizpat: |
How could it get worse? I wouldn't think it's possible! |
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Snolfa: |
Well, since he told his creatures how to become intelligent, they naturally took the bait, and this dim bulb didn't just punish them. He punished all their descendants, sending them to a place he made called hell. But since he was getting a little nervous about creating intelligent people just to send them to hell, he made up this scheme to keep some of them from having to go there. Now, get this! He arranged to go down there himself, and have himself killed so that he wouldn't have to send everyone into his own hell! Wait! There's more!His "death" wasn't permanent, and it only kept a small handfull from ending up in his hell anyway! |
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Wizpat: |
<shaking his head> You must be making that up. There's NEVER been a god who's that stupid. I haven't laughed this hard in ages! |
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Snolfa |
That's one reason I'm hanging out today. I had my review just a little while ago. I'm waiting to see what happens when this Jehovah gets in. Oh-oh! Cool it! Here he is! |
Enter Jehovah, briefcase in hand, whistling a Bach tune.
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Jehovah: |
How's tricks, boys? |
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Wizpat: |
We're doing OK, I guess. <digs an elbow into Snolfa, who can barely keep from laughing out loud> How are things in your system? |
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Jehovah: |
Doing well, thanks. I'm getting ready for judgement day, you know. |
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Wizpat: |
Really? You have a date set? |
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Jehovah: |
I don't know. I haven't told myself when the time is, but I think based on the signs that it must be pretty soon. Maybe I'll wait one more century after my review... |
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Snolfa: |
You might not have that long there, fella! |
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Jehovah: |
<looking puzzled> What do you mean? |
The Creator's door opens, and a blinding light pours into the waiting room.
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Creator: |
Je-Hoooo-vah! You got some 'splainin' to do! |
