For many years, I made the mistake of thinking that there is a direct relationship between desire and happiness. I think it's a pretty common mistake, particularly here in the West. Well, at least among the sort of folks I know here in America, that is.
I kept thinking that if I could just attain a certain set of things that I desired (posessions, achievements, recognition... that sort of thing), I would finally be happy, and I was in the interim making myself pretty bloody miserable. Oh, I would on occasion manage to get some things I wanted, and I would tell myself that I was happy. I think I even managed to fool myself for a long time because I coincidentally happened to go for a fairly long period of time where I had a series of partial successes in life; so I was moderately happy for many years.
But life changes -- that's a pretty much constant thing -- and I eventually got into a rut where it seemed that all the changes that life brought me were pretty damn depressing and disappointing ones. There's no need to go over the list; I'm sure most of you can relate. After a couple of years of that, I convinced myself that just about all of the things I really desired most in life were unattainable, and that therefore I would never be happy. Needless to say, such thoughts didn't improve my outlook on life.
To cut to the chase, I ended up in therapy and on anti-depressants. I honestly couldn't tell the difference in my moods, but folks told me I was easier to live with. As kids say these days... meh. I spent nearly a year in this mode, trying to figure out how I could change my desires to closer fit what was reasonably achievable, thereby hoping to find my way back to the sort of happiness I had lived with so many years ago. I failed; after all, how easy is it to suppress your honest feelings and force yourself to desire something you really don't care that much about? I suspect that this is the main source of conflict encountered by those idiots who try to be "cured" of being gay.
But just recently, a thought occurred to me. Of all the desires that I've actually attained, I expected every one of them to bring me happiness. But the only constant that came out of all those experiences was that the happiness that came was always fleeting. In the case of eating "comfort food," the happiness lasted only a few minutes or even a few seconds. In the case of obtaining various toys, the happiness was measured in days or hours or even (rarely) months. Even the happiness of getting married was not as long-lived as many fairy tales lead you to expect. It just seems to me that basing your happiness in life on whether you can get what you desire is ultimately futile.
Well, the folks who are familiar with Buddhism will recognize that thought, perhaps. As I understand it, Buddha taught that desire is the source of all evil. Their solution, in simple terms, is to try and eradicate all desire, thereby eradicating all evil. Sounds like a waste of effort to me. In my humble opinion, if you want to get rid of all desire, you've already defeated yourself. You're striving for a state that you think will make your life better. You desire to have no desire. That's wack, like many paradoxes.
My thought is that one might be able to separate these things. There's nothing wrong with wanting something, even Buddhist "enlightenment," but you don't have to be miserable while you're on your way. You see, one of the things that bothered me about giving up wanting things was the danger of stagnation. Keeping life in a sort of unchanging stasis was and is anathema to me. But if I can manage to be happy with life under most circumstances, but still pursue some things I desire for reasons other than "they'll make me happy," perhaps that would be a better way to live.
Much more thought will need to go into this, obviously. But there's a chance I could be onto something that will work for me. Who knows? It might be worth thinking about for yourself, as well.