2 Samuel

More fun with King David, the man after God's own heart! One has to wonder whether he was going after that heart with a knife, or what? While there weren't as many interesting passages here as in other books, there's enough weirdness going on to satisfy most folks. By the way, have you noticed a favorite Bible character missing in the books between here and Genesis 3? Like maybe Satan?

2 Sam 6:6,7 - When they came to the threshing floor of Nacon, Uzzah reached out his hand to the ark of God and took hold of it, for the oxen shook it. The anger of the LORD was kindled against Uzzah; and God struck him there because he reached out his hand to the ark, and he died there beside the ark of God.
What's a guy supposed to do? You're taking your god to a new home in his box, and the road is rough. You see that the holy box is about to fall off the holy cart, so you try to make sure it doesn't fall off onto the dirt. This guy was just trying to help - after all, in an earlier passage, we saw that God ordered curses for people who would not help him, so it's natural to want to help out. Instead of being pleased at the helpful Uzzah, God gets ticked off and zaps him.

2 Sam 8:4 - David took from him one thousand seven hundred horsemen, and twenty thousand foot soldiers. David hamstrung all the chariot horses, but left enough for a hundred chariots.
A member of the P.E.T.A., David was not! Yep, this is what God must have meant when he told Adam to hold dominion over the animals!

2 Sam 12:13-18 - David said to Nathan, "I have sinned against the LORD." Nathan said to David, "Now the LORD has put away your sin; you shall not die. Nevertheless, because by this deed you have utterly scorned the LORD, the child that is born to you shall die." Then Nathan went to the house.

The LORD struck the child that Uriah's wife bore to David, and it became very ill. David therefore pleaded with God for the child; David fasted, and went in and lay all night on the ground. The elders of his house stood beside him, urging him to rise from the ground, but he would not, nor did he eat food with them. On the seventh day the child died…
Well, now, here is what I think could be a fine example of God's justice. This is the end of the story of the Bathsheba affair. David had Uriah killed in order to get Uriah's wife. This appeared to be a standard way for David to obtain wives (see the end of 1 Samuel), except he didn't get God to kill the unlucky husband this time. This being the only difference, I guess God was upset at losing the contract. So David confesses, and Nathan the priest says that it's OK, David won't be killed. But "since justice must be served," God will handle it by killing the baby that's on the way. To anyone who can see this as being justice: I don't want to hear from you. You are extremely sick and evil.

2 Sam 21:1-6 - Now there was a famine in the days of David for three years, year after year; and David inquired of the LORD. The LORD said, "There is bloodguilt on Saul and on his house, because he put the Gibeonites to death." So the king called the Gibeonites and spoke to them. (Now the Gibeonites were not of the people of Israel, but of the remnant of the Amorites; although the people of Israel had sworn to spare them, Saul had tried to wipe them out in his zeal for the people of Israel and Judah). David said to the Gibeonites, "What shall I do for you? How shall I make expiation, that you may bless the heritage of the LORD?" The Gibeonites said to him, "It is not a matter of silver or gold between us and Saul or his house; neither is it for us to put anyone to death in Israel." He said, "What do you say that I should do for you?" They said to the king, "The man who consumed us and planned to destroy us, so that we should have no place in all the territory of Israel - let seven of his sons be handed over to us, and we will impale them before the LORD at Gibeon on the mountain of the LORD." The king said, "I will hand them over."
Well, it looks like we're back into human sacrifices again. And once more, the sons pay the penalty for the wrongdoing of their father. This happens so often in the Bible, I have stopped wondering at how believers can have such a twisted view that they believe these things are good and right.

2 Sam 21:14 - They buried the bones of Saul and of his son Jonathan in the land of Benjamin in Zela, in the tomb of his father Kish; they did all that the king commanded. After that, God heeded supplications for the land.
So after all the upheaval, death and impalements, God decided he would start answering people's prayers? How nice of him!

2 Sam 22:21,22 - The LORD rewarded me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands he recompensed me. For I have kept the ways of the LORD, and have not wickedly departed from my God.
Mind you, this is David speaking! Yes, the guy who "slew his ten thousands," hamstrung thousands of horses, had guys killed to get their wives, handed over people to be impaled for the crimes of their father. It took me a while to stop laughing at this.

2 Sam 24:1-3, 10-15 - Again the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel, and he incited David against them, saying, "Go, count the people of Israel and Judah." So the king said to Joab and the commanders of the army, who were with him, "Go through all the tribes of Israel, from Dan to Beer-sheba, and take a census of the people, so that I may know how many there are." But Joab said to the king, "May the LORD your God increase the number of the people a hundredfold, while the eyes of my lord can still see it. But why does my lord the king want to do this?"

But afterward, David was stricken to the heart because he had numbered the people. David said to the LORD, "I have sinned greatly in what I have done. But now, O LORD, I pray you, take away the guilt of your servant; for I have done very foolishly." When David rose in the morning, the word of the LORD came to the prophet Gad, David's seer, saying, "Go and say to David: Thus says the LORD: These things I offer you; choose one of them, and I will do it to you." So Gad came to David and told him; he asked him, "Shall three years of famine come to you on your land? Or will you flee three months before your foes while they pursue you? Or shall there be three days' pestilence in your land? Now consider and decide what answer I shall return to the one who sent me." Then David said to Gad, "I am in great distress, let us fall into the hand of the LORD, for his mercy is great; but let us not fall into human hands." So the LORD sent a pestilence on Israel from that morning until the appointed time, and seventy thousand of the people died, from Dan to Beer-sheba.
This is concentrated weirdness, packed down and overflowing! It starts with God being angry at Israel, for no stated reason. He then orders David to carry out a census. This was expressly forbidden by the laws of Moses, so God is ordering David to break this holy law. Given that God is wont to order other law breaking, David complies. After David carries out this order, he asks for forgiveness, but God's logical trap springs on him. He's given three choices: Famine (the people will starve), civil war (political upheaval and likely fragmentation for years afterward), or plague (people will get sick). David chooses the shortest term option, and expects God to be merciful. After 70,000 deaths, we have to wonder about this whole story. We also have to wonder at the people who say we should imitate God in order to be good (Gal 5:1).