Curious as to what life is really like for me now?

This page is just for those who are willing to risk the cloudy murk of problems I endure. The infamous La Brea Tar Pits are not that far from here.

Well, the nitty-gritty of it is that currently my life is one of quiet desperation endured so many years that I can remember little else. The cause is unknown, merely guessable by myself; it seems to have begun in 1972, back around a time when I had begun to spread word about my unusual new creation a kind of personal hobby space project Mooncable, also I got a concussion which was not treated, also my wife divoriced me dropping me into a state of long despair and near-starvation and having to sell my home for community property dettlement with her, and a possible case of lead poisoning; I was working as a contract Electronics Technician on a spacecraft imaging system development at JPL in mid-1972, is all I recall.

In the decades since then, I've been "keeping on keeping on" while slowly improving. The self-help and holistic arts have enabled my comeback, a do-it-yourself type of healing regeneration. So I have experimented with a lot of healing processes over the years, and continue to do so: no doubt they provided the tools for my comeback.

I had always been relatively shy, socially inept, and unaggressive, probably due to my small size as a schoolchild and the lack of sibling rivalry to teach me competition. I grew up believing that generally the world was a nurturing and safe place; but as an adult I continually find this is often not true in the world, which sometimes is a baffling place.

My employment sometimes has required me to work in classified (electro-optics research) areas, and I then had to deliberately become a little paranoid to cope with their required secrecy attitude about others. In other words, the job demanded that I somehow practice deception in a big way to hide my knowledge, and thus not be able to synergistically share my knowledge with everyone in a process of advancing civilization in the best way.

Being a generalist by nature, and so needing to know the big picture to see where things fit in, is not a very welcome type of person in places steeped in secrecy! So adopting the "need to know" measuring stick made me feel a little crazy; but I could function on the job anyway if given enough detailed data to do some teeny weeny part of the overall picture, without knowing where it fit into the big picture. This might be related to ongoing difficulties in my life, I can't be sure; seems unreasonable that it would be so, however. But there seems to be some weird and hostile things going on sometimes.

Being shy and unaggressive and socially inept has made it unusually difficult for me to find a mate. Since the only thing I really enjoy in life is lovemaking with a pleasant woman (this activity causes my creativity to expand forth and blossom and balances all parts of my being), so this creates an extreme problem of deprivation for me. And there seems to be some invisible way men find women these days, something unobvious, which I can only guess at but cannot yet do, although I still attempt to figure it out. And having now become an "older man", the task usually seems impossible. Hence the mode of "keeping on keeping on", in quiet desperation continuing to inch forward somehow, moment by moment, against some incredible powerful unseen odds. (Long ago I figured out that by not inching forward, that things stayed the same year after year; "keeping on keeping on" provided some change at least.) And there have been a few women who came to be with me bringing joy for awhile in the years since former wife divoriced me; but not in recent times, unfortunately. I luckily have a sometimes friend and companion although in non-sexual relationship, filling in a little for her currently often-travelling husband, which provides me a place to live now, with most of my belongings in storage, and sleeping on their barroom/den floor surrounded by more of my storage boxes... is itself an additional stress factor.

Perhaps this quiet endless endurance has enabled me to see where there is some possibility of hope for everybody, despite the preponderance of powerful left-brained entities almost irresponsibly trashing out our world with improperly used technology. Despite a world seeming empowered by hordes of power-hungry businessmen striving for a "fast buck" while doing the least possible help for others in return, I continue to inch-by-inch prepare a possible path for restoration of the Earth's ecosystem while expanding civilization enormously (as described elsewhere here in my webpages). But those in power, the real "shakers and movers" of our time, seem mostly to consider my designs for the future as only a threat to their influence: seen as major changes to the game pieces of business, and I seen as the instigator of those most unwelcome potential massive changes.

Nonetheless, I have developed a possible way for technological civilization to expand enormously while restoring the planet back to survivable balance; but it requires developing a new momentum transfer transportation technology and worst of all, requires that most of us leave our homes to live in another place (not far away, but not in the homes we have so long worked to buy): hence, to many I seem to be Public Enemy Number One, although they come up with a wide variety of other fantasized kinds of things to justify their harrassment. (Some examples: after I wrote the first articles on KESTS space transportation concepts into the GEnie computer network Space and Science Library , I returned home one day to find the locked closet in which I kept my computer had its hinges kicked in, and the neighbors told that they did it because they had a report that I was growing marijuana in my room. The next place I moved to, after I had heard sounds of someone crawling around in the attic area above it and so putting plastic over the ceiling to cover tiny holes, the realtor ordered me to move everything out of my computer closet and dissasemble it "for "an inspection" of undisclosed nature, and then I was ordered to move. ... I had not yet figured out that my space colonization concepts were seen as threatening by some people.... The next apartment I moved to, I returned home from work one day to find my locked computer closet damaged again, the manager saying that plainclothsmen had told them they were searching for a woman wanted for questioning in a criminal case. The neighbors began to shun me more than ever, after these kind of things happened. I often find people reacting toward me in quite innappropriate ways, explainable by them having been told other similar far-fetched things about me by "investigators.") When someone has a far reaching idea that could change the value of trillions of dollars of real estate,(which is an obvious unfortunate potential side effect of the KESTS to OHR concept which could enable the restoration of the earthsurface ecosystem), some heavy-duty strings get pulled by the "establishment." Yet I think things could all be worked out to everyone's satisfaction, given a solid chance, compensating everyone for their change in real estate values; but in the world of incredibly nearsighted immensely powerful business groups it is much like the task of the proverbial environmentalist attempting to get the alligators to save their swamp, but in reality being "up to his private parts in singleminded toothy alligators" at the time. Try suggesting an idea (no matter how helpful to civilization and the future survival of our ecosystem) so far-ranging that it could effectively change the very boundaries of nations, and see how popular you become with the powers-that-be who are charged with securing those national boundaries (I, too, don't like to hear that the need for the existence of my job is threatened, having been through several layoffs).

The "feel" of life now reminds me of how it felt once long ago when on a mountain climbing hike one day in high school years, using fingertips and toes and body friction to inch along a high sandstone steep slope, no safety rope, and starting to slide down toward the 100 foot drop to rocks below: dig in with fingertips, hug the rock even more and hope the downward slide stops; then resume inching forward some more, keeping on keeping on with endless careful endurance. It is now still metaphorically the putting of one foot in front of the other foot, again and again, keeping on keeping on, and no joy as reward, only another day to keep going.

My workday startw with the alarm clock awakening me at 4 AM; I need to get awake, do things, leave for work by 6:15 am; I do the 4-minute Millman Peaceful Warrior workout, write the 3 "Morning Pages" of Cameron's Artist's Way process; breakfast cereal clothe and a hurry to get to work by 7 AM 30 miles away at my new job. Co-workers typiocally exhibit characteristics of an educational system which teaches competitiveness instead of synergistic co-operation interactiveness, teaches exclusive left-brained rational logical thought processes to the exclusion of holistic big-picture imagery pattern thinking, and work environments which require secrecy deception among people and has much toxic energies from electromechanical stuff around. 9 hour workday done, the 30 mile return drive. Evenings are started by being "burnt out" by the toxic stressful work environment of the workday and by the long drive, I do e-mail on my computer and go to bed, mateless again. Endlessly too many things to do, chronically too little sleep, so I watch only one TV show, "Voyager", which unfortunately airs late in night before a workday morning.

In general, my urge to make love with a happy woman every night seems implacably challenged by other men who block women from getting together with me, and also by the women who don't know and don't care, prefering powerful men who will ultimately abuse them. Yet even left out, I still use my small remaining creative energy to design a possible path for them to survive , read on in my pages here.

So, this is the nitty-gritty of what my life is like these days. You asked, didn't you?


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Page by Jim Cline, updated on 19990511. Copyright © 1999 J E D Cline