The Department of Faith-Based Initiatives reports the Consumer Prayer Index, its leading indicator of public values, reached another all time high in Q3. The index has risen in all 7 quarters since being used to track the incidence of public prayer. Analysts noted the latest increase is likely due to the continued economic depression and recent rash of suicide bombings. DFBI Secretary John Ashcroft said he was pleased with the report.

 

 

The Bush administration announced today the Salvation Army, now a bureau of the Department of Faith-Based Initiatives, is being mobilized to help fight the War on Terror. Secretary Ashcroft said the move was needed to augment National Guard forces now in their sixth tour-of-duty extension. The Army will be deployed initially outfitted with red Santa suits, kettles, and hand bells until the Democrat-led filibuster is broken that currently blocks issuance of body armor.

 

 

The continued influx of East Coast liberals into Canada has been cited as the main reason for the recent move by the Bush administration to add Canada to the Axis of Evil watch list. Canada joins Iraq, Iran, North Korea, Cuba, France, Germany, China, Yugoslavia, Colombia, Bermuda, Estonia, and 20 other countries.

 

 

President Bush took time off from his latest vacation to dedicate a new Walmart built on the famous Civil War battlefield in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. In his speech Mr. Bush said "We have come to dedicate a portion of this field as a shopping place in honor of those who died here that the nation might kick ass." Shrugging off protestors' objections, Bush said "Us Americans sometimes have to sacrifice to keep the economy ooching along."

 

 

In a startling development in the Sheikgate scandal, forensic experts have matched the stain on the blue suit seized from President Bush's closet to oil processed from fields owned by Saudi Sheik Omar Abdul Ramen. The President's mother inadvertently bolstered the prosecution's case when she admitted the label "Georgie" found on the lining was indeed sewn by her.

 

 

In what some supporters characterized as a "serious moral lapse," President Bush signed an executive order authorizing further augmentation of Vice President Cheney's life support system. The latest enhancements will include a high resolution infrared camera and two bionic legs. When one reporter noted Cheney's prosthetics have already cost tax payers 2 billion, Bush replied "Dick wasn't too thrilled about this either, but I explained how we all need to make sacrifices ... and no new stem cell lines will be used in the procedures."