‘Though Jill always acted demurely,
   Jack’s passion burned hot and impurely.
   So on the hill outside town,
   When Jill’s guard tumbled down,
   Jack’s elation peaked out prematurely.

 

   Since then with their ardor awoken
   The upshot has rarely been spoken--
   A year since their fall down
   It wasn’t Jack’s fore-crown
   But Jill’s water the thing that was broken.

 

 

   The Post's News to aMUSE has been played out.

   Its Web links are now all but grayed out.

   Did my best to support it

   So then rather than court it

   I sat on my mouse and I stayed out.

 

 

   The cook said to Mary Prufrock
   He'd prepare her a mighty fine cock.
   For the Thanksgiving spread,
   A special place she was led
   And befowled on ol' Plimouth Rock.

 

 

   The steamroom salesman had selt her
   What he claimed was a mighty fine shelter,
   But helter-skelter she felt
   At the hand she was dealt
   So she sweltered and smelt—but no svelter.

 

 

   "Why must you be such a glum ox?"
   Said Bunyan to Babe, his ex-chum ox.
   "My sox would be blue
   If it wasn't for you.
   Since I wallow in scat of a dumb ox!"

 

   Babe said to Bunyan: "You lummox!
   Your laundry skills 'tinue to flummox.
   The reason I'm blue
   Is all 'cause of YOU
   And your half-ass-ed use of the Clorox!"

 

 

   A shlemiel, putz, or schmuck schooled in Yiddish
   May kvetsh, schlep, kibitz, or feel skittish,
   But if the mark she should miss
   When noshing on this:
   This whole shmeer is just shmaltz and shagitzish.

 

 

   'Tis a sordid tale I now tell
   And it features Carl KasSEL.
   Much to my chagrin
   We in Chicago begin
   With an upstart named Peter SaGEL.

 

   For his "Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me" show
   He cloned Feldman's "Whad'ya Know?"
   Like Tijuana Rolex
   Made by half-starved Tex-Mex
   On a near-sinking raft it was stow.

 

   Feldman crafted HIS quiz show with flair—
   With news tidbits worthy of Blair.
   Contestants call in,
   Celebrities spin,
   And humor out-gasses the air.

 

   Well Sagal and friends do the same
   With apparently scant hint of shame.
   Instead of jazz trio,
   Are panelists three-o.
   Kassel 'gainst Packard takes aim.

 

   Some may see this as flattery sheik.
   But beware of the gift-bearing Greek:
   Now playing live venues
   What's next on "Wait's" menus:
   Dumb memos and towns of the week?

 

   Dining on wine and esCARgot:
   The Armanis in eastern Chicago.
   Their show's highly rated
   'Cause they're "syndicated!"
   Thus living so high on the hog-o.

 

   It's omerta that lies at the roots.
   The Chicago boys are in cahoots.
   Though it makes me a squealer:
   Since Feldman muscled don Keillor,
   "Wait's" knocking off Madison suits.

 

   And now to come utterly clean,
   The secret that makes this obscene:
   It's Godfather Kassel,
   Announcer so facile,
   Who's the voice AND the ghost in machine!

 

   Although Sagal has stolen the show
   Feldman's listeners certainly know
   He won't lose the scoop
   Nor they're depths he won't stoop.
   But are lim'ricks as low as he'll go?

 

   A broken and wobegone man,
   A dyed-in-wool NPR fan,
   With blood on my sleeve
   I now take my leave
   To the Poet Protection ProGRAM.