[Top
Ten] Lame Psychic Predictions for 2006 (week of 12/26/05)
A well known
celebrity will behave somewhat erratically.
Scientists will prove Intelligent Design theory is wrong when they discover
we are all living in a Matrix-like simulation built by a guy named Bubba.
Humanity will experience gloom, despair, agony, deep
dark depression, and excessive misery when “Hee Haw” returns to the CBS line up.
iRobot Corp, maker of the Roomba robotic vacuum cleaner,
will release Goomba, a robot that extorts money from its owners.
In another wave of anti-foreigner sentiment, a consortium
of US Bars and Grills will rename a number of popular foods: Canadian Bacon will become Beltway Bacon, Irish Whiskey—Halliburton
Hooch, and Cheese Danish—Motherhood Patriot Victory Surprise.
Someone will submit an entry to the CBS Top Ten Contest
referring to Pat Robertson, Donald Trump, Kirstie Alley, Martha Stewart, Paris Hilton, and Hymie O’Phil.
A high profile
member of the Bush Administration will be hospitalized for having a stick in his craw.
A US pharmaceutical company will
launch a direct marketing campaign targeted at American women for Aviagra—a drug that relieves Restless Willy Syndrome in philandering husbands.
The elephant
will lie down with the donkey, Pat Robertson’s kingdom will come, and Carrot Top will be elected to Congress.
[Top
Ten] Rejected Titles for “Brokeback Mountain” (week of 12/19/05)
“The
Good, the Bad, and the Fabulous”
“Queer Eye for the Bolo Tie”
“Will and Grace and Slim”
“My
Dinner with Little Joe”
“Homo on the Range”
“Back in the Closet Again”
“Woody’s
Woody”
[Top
Ten] King Kong Pet Peeves (week of 12/12/05)
Always getting
beat out by Hugh Grant for romantic comedy leads
No restrooms on Trump Tower
Wimpy Panda gets more attention just for
falling on its ass at the National Zoo
Can’t catch a cab in Manhattan
Male ape pattern baldness
The so-called
“supersized” meals at McDonalds
Dates who won’t share their body crabs during dinner
Fox Studio’s
refusal to release his porno flick: “Curious Kong”
[Top
Ten] Surprises in CBS' Movie About Pope John Paul II (week of 12/5/05)
William Shatner
as the Devil
Andy Rooney as the ailing John Paul
Scene where angry John Paul busts up the place after receiving 12th
holiday fruitcake
Revelation Pope’s globe trotting ways was side effect of restless leg syndrome
JP secretly big
fan of Dan Brown novels
[Top
Ten] Least Favorite Thanksgiving Pie Flavors (week of 11/21/05)
McPumpkin
Beastieboysenberry
Poppin’
Raheem the Jihadist Doughboy
Choclesterol
Extract of Grampa
Piss and Vinegar
What the Cat Coughed Up
Hockin’
Hymie Hummus Surprise
[Top
Ten] Signs Pat Robertson Has Lost His Mind (week of 11/14/05)
Damned ALL
Teletubbies to Hell
Changed name to “Diddy”
Advocating miraculous new version of Reaganomics he calls “Loaves
and Fishes”
Delivered last sermon hiding behind bully pulpit armed with semi-automatic and case of ammo
[Top
Ten] Things Overhead During Prince Charles’ Trip to America (week of 11/7/05)
“I have
no idea what just happened. Told the President I thought he was doing a heckuva job and he slugged me.”
“It’s
been quite a day here at Banana Joe’s. First we had Prince Charles in the can. Then those two cheerleader chicks bust
up the place.”
“If I see one more Elvis impersonator, I’ll jolly well puke.”
“The next
thing I knew the polo mallet was jammed in the spokes and the bike was doing donuts on Camilla.”
“It’s
the Prince and his entourage. Says they want some figgie pudding and they won’t go until they get some.”
“Before
leaving, the Prince laid a wreath on Bush’s second term.”
[Top
Ten] Other Confessions by Star Trek’s George Takei (week of 10/31/05)
Abused dilithium
crystals from ‘68 to ‘72
After Kirk went to bed, would make the Enterprise do donuts in the Horsehead Nebula
Boldly
went where some men had gone before
Relaxed between takes by playing Mr. Scott’s bagpipes
Practiced docking maneuvers
with “Bones” McCoy
Once arrested for beaming someone up in the parking lot
Never recovered from being passed
over for Drum Major in high school
[Top
Ten] Signs the Ghost Haunting Your House is in Love with You (week of 10/24/05)
Has become
very possessive
The excited way it calls out your name while moaning and screaming
Swear you hear Chet Baker singing
in the TV static
Always appears to you dressed in see-through nightie
Find a box of psychoactive slime nicely gift wrapped
It’s
clear from the threatening messages scrawled in blood on the walls by the ghost’s mother
[Top
Ten] Signs Your Supreme Court Nominee is Not Qualified (week of 10/17/05)
Recommended
by 1 out of 10 Arabian horse breeders
Tuna Casserole brought to Bush family gathering gave everyone food poisoning
Successfully
bluffed by Dubya at the Thursday night poker game
Known to stray from divine revelations and apply rational thought to
judicial decisions
I will not answer a hypothetical question about a hypothetical judge that may hypothetically sit on
the court.
Overwhelmingly endorsed by the Bar* (*Crawford Carl’s Saloon and Gaseteria)
Rides bike without helmet
Advocates
mandatory prayer in schools to Allah and/or the Flying Spaghetti Monster
[Top
Ten] Lindsay Lohan Driving Tips (week of 10/10/05)
Airbags by
Gucci
If it’s not available on eBay, screw it.
[Top
Ten] Rejected Catch Phrases For Martha Stewart's “Apprentice” (week of 9/26/05)
"My mother
told me to choose the very best one and you are not IT!"
"Dead yesman walking."
"Tell it to the mop."
[Top
Ten] Least Popular Football Mascots (week of 9/19/05)
Oprah
The
Flagrant Fowl
The Incredible Mr. Limpet
Stanley Steroid
[Top
Ten] Things You Don’t Want to Hear on Your First Day of School (week of 9/12/05)
“Welcome
to Borg High. Resistance is futile.”
“To comply with the latest school board ruling, before you graduate you
must reject Satan and accept Fred MacMurray as your personal Lord and Savior.”
“It’s sure good to have
a smart guy like you for lab partner. If I fail biology again I’m headed for adult lockup.”
“Buena manana
y estudiantes agradables!”
“Lunch prices are being reduced by 50% thanks to a generous donation from the American
Hummus Foundation.”
“I’m sorry to hear you’re not that kind of girl. I was really looking forward
to lending you some of my kulats.”
“To meet Standards of Learning targets, milk and cookies with be replaced
by remedial block stacking.”
“Due to pressure from liberal groups we have dropped ‘Shrieking Red Savages’
as our nickname. We will now be known as the ‘Godless Camel Jockeys.’”
“I’m sad to report
this summer saw the passing of our much-beloved mascot Billy Badger. On a related note, Mr. Philcher has a special treat for
biology lab.”
[Top
Ten] Least-Popular New TV Shows (week of 9/5/05)
"Desperate
Historical Society Custodians" [Episode 1 opens with Hymie O’Phil crouched behind pile of commemorative plates with
semi-automatic and case of ammo.]
"NHL Game Day"
"The News Hour with Kirstie Alley"
"Leave it to Diddy"
"Touched
by a Pedophile"
"The 700 Club: Snuff Edition"
"What’s My Line: Karl Rove"
[Top
Ten] Reasons P. Diddy Changed his Name to “Diddy” (week of 8/29/05)
Did it to distance
himself from namesake Patrobertson Diddy
Idea came to him while playing poker with his homies Prince, Cher, and Madonna
Needed
an alias before embarking on a life of honest living
It came down to that and Hoobastank
When the P fell off his mailbox
he decided, “What the heck.”
Seemed hipper than #2 choice, “Puff the Magic Dragon”
“It
was too long and confusing. On the phone I’d get flustered and call myself ‘Do Wah Diddy Diddy Down Diddy Do.’”
[Top
Ten] Things Overheard On President Bush’s Summer Vacation (week of 8/22/05)
“I don’t
know ‘bout that Intelligent DEsign stuff. But ev’ry time I look in the mirror I get to thinkin’ …
there’s gotta be somethin’ more intelligent out there.”
“Karl, ken ya do me a favor? Give Hillary
a call and ask her how to find that cookie in Grand Theft Auto.”
“The darn armadillo came out of nowhere. When
I came to, my business end was stuck in the prickly pears and the handlebars were lodged in the poor critter’s a**hole.”
“I
can judge a man by how he smells. I liked Judge Roberts right off the bat—smelled like a mix of Pappy’s Aqua Velva,
pancakes at Crawford Baptist, and a Yale kegger.”
“… the next thing you know ol’ Jeb’s a
millionaire.”
KR: “Dick, I don’t care if you are VP. If I don’t get a turn on that Slip ‘n
Slide, pictures of someone in a Speedo might just find their way to the Internet.”
[Top
Ten] Signs You’re on a Bad Summer Vacation (week of 8/8/05)
You’re
so bored you’ve resorted to cleaning the basement, watching infomercials, and sending entries to the CBS Top Ten Contest.
You
spy Hymie the Clown crouched on lifeguard platform with semi-automatic and case of ammo.
That recurring dream where you’re
behind the mike at the County Fair Comedy Challenge with no pants and no material … is no dream.
You arrive in Niagara
Falls to find the vacation your spouse booked is for a week cruise on the Maid of the Mist.
[Top
Ten] Cool Things About Being a Supreme Court Justice (week of 8/1/05)
Awesome food
fights in the private cafeteria
Get to read real dissenting opinions before the paralegals clean them up, e.g., “Judge
Scalia is a big fat poopy head.”
Say goodbye to the dozen traffic tickets in the glove compartment of the Beemer
There
are lots of cool things, but I hear the hazing really sucks for the new guys
[Top
Ten] Dumb Guys Ways to Cool Off (week of 7/25/05)
Two Words: Naked Luge
[Top
Ten] Signs Harry Potter is Getting Older (week of 7/18/05)
Requires all
his power to conjure boyish appearance: “Botoxus Injectionus!”
Radical combover no longer covers that embarrassing
scar
Those spandex pants aren’t doing Hermione any favors
Plays Seeker for Senior Center shuffleboard team
Looks
forward all week to the creamed dragon at the Old Wizard’s Friday Night Discount Buffet
Most recent surgery needed
when he couldn’t pass the Philosopher’s Stone
It’s just not funny any more when the Weasley twins cast
that chattering spell on his dentures
Combusting flatulence has become a real problem
When wandering about the castle,
is often mistaken for Dobie the Elf
The wand doesn’t respond like it used to
[Top
Ten] Least-Popular Summer Movies (week of 7/11/05)
Hymie and the
Insurance Factory
Badminton Begins
Cinderella Man and the Seven Dwarfs
Macramé on Ice
Herbie: Half Cocked
The
Adventures of Tuna Boy and Mayo Girl
The Blair Colonoscopy Project
The Passion of Adam Sandler
Extremist Makeovers:
The Movie
The Longest Dull Sports Movie Remake
[Top
Ten] Signs Tom Cruise is in Love With You (week of 6/27/05)
During your
last evening together, he had to seek medical help for dimples that lasted more than 4 hours
He promised to share his first
class seats with you on the HMS Scientology when it rendezvous with comet Elron Beta
Both Michael Jackson and Russell Crowe
call to tell him to, “Tone it down a little dude.”
You yell “Show me the money!” and he does!
He
lets you drive his new Ferrari … slowly … in the driveway … under close supervision
[Top
Ten] Signs You’re Not One of the Most Powerful Celebrities (week of 6/20/05)
The only psychotic
fans stalking you at home are family members
Memoirs self-published on wall of bus station bathroom
Phone number just
got hacked from Paris Hilton’s MOM’s T-Mobile Sidekick
Referred by admitting doctor at Betty Ford Clinic to
Walmart Pharmacy
self-service kiosk
Local access cable station won’t film you playing poker
The paparazzi punch
you!
[Top
Ten] Improvements They’ve Made to the Batman Movies (week of 6/13/05)
The hilarious
ways the boys outwit the new villain, Boss Hogg
Joe Pesci as the Caped Crusaders’ smart-alecky sidekick, Beeboy
Computer
generated guano
Replacement of the Bat Signal by Adam West’s skivvies hoisted up the Gotham City Hall flagpole
8. Costumes now made of fine Corinthian leather
J.W. J., Charlottesville, VA (a winner!)
[Top
Ten] Things Dumb Guys Think the "Sith" Is (week of 5/30/05)
The dsyleixc
csreen wirter coulnd’t splel for sith
It’s a set up for the REAL final episode: “Star Wars: The Sith
Hits the Fan”
It’s Klingon for “Wascally Wabbit”
Story was originally about a rogue computer
program named Smith
It was the sound Jedis made preparing for battle before The Force--when their motto was “Silent
But Deadly”
[Top
Ten] Surprises in “Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith” (week of 5/16/05)
We learn Yoda’s
dark childhood secret: Coughed up by Wookie, Yoda was.
Princess Leah’s hair styled by young Queer Eye guy
Kirstie
Alley reprises role of Jaba the Hut
R2D2 spent 6 months in rehab for WD40 addiction
The Force demystified: It’s
just gas
Darth Vader turned evil after learning his favorite Grateful Dead revival band lipsync’d
Michael Jackson’s
cameo in the bar scene
[Top
Ten] Reasons Paula Abdul Helped That “American Idol” Contestant (week of 5/9/05)
Her Chihuahuas bit
her when she tried dressing THEM in those cute outfits
Those darn painkillers!
Lives by the words of Maharishi Jackson:
“The most loving thing to do is to share your bed with someone. … It’s what the whole world should do.”
[Top
Ten] Cool Things About Being The New Pope (week of 4/25/05)
Latin Karaoke on Thursday Nights
Get
to wear big ass bundle of keys--including one to the Pearly Gates
9.
Conservative values. Liberal expense account.
Jay
J., Charlottesville, VA (a winner!)
[Top
Ten] Signs You’re At a Bad Circus (week of 4/11/05)
Ringmaster cues music by shoving 8-track into
tape deck
The Big Top is an umbrella held aloft by a surly midget
Main attraction: Stupid Pet Tricks
Hymie the Clown
crouched on trapeze platform with a semi-automatic and case of ammo
Cotton candy and hot dogs sold by toothless man from
inner pockets of trench coat
Two words: Goat Tamer
Top Act: Aunt Erma doing cartwheels accompanied by Uncle Jake on
the accordion
[Top
Ten] Rejected Slogans for Major League Baseball (week of 4/4/05)
Better Sport Through Science
It’s What’s On Second
Inject
Some Fun Into Your Life
Exciting as Chess, but Outdoors
Drugs, Brawls, Millionaires: America’s Game
I Don’t
Care if I Never Get Back
Got Steroids?
[Top
Ten] Signs You Work in a Bad Office (week of 3/28/05)
Employment contract prohibits management from
removing your feeding tube
Everything becomes clear after taking Morpheus’s red pill
That “great sucking
sound” is your soul heading to Cancun
Kirstie Alley’s on a hunger strike in the lobby protesting working conditions
Supervisor’s
previous job was at Abu Ghraib
Instead of NCAA pool, employees wager on date when pension plan will go bust
Most popular
water cooler is the one dispensing poison Kool-Aid
Your cubicle is affectionately known as “the box”
John
Ashcroft leads management in prayer meeting before announcing quarterly results
Half the day is spent playing computer
Solitaire; the other half spent trying to tunnel out
Posters tacked up in nearby cubicles feature *really ugly* naked women
CFO
spends $50,000/month on phone calls to the Psychic Hotline
President Bush stops by to praise your company as a “shining
example of progressive management”
Mission statement contains the words “tough love”
[Top
Ten] Ways to Make CBS Evening News More Exciting (week of 3/7/05)
Anchor retrieves newscopy from a piñata
using an Oscar statue as a club … wait, that was for improving the Academy Awards
Repackage as “News Scene
Investigations: New York”
Anchor gets a different extreme makeover every week
Broadcast is a remix of news samples
from competitors put together by Hip Hop DJ
Periodically cut to live Netcam of Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, Ed Bradley,
and Andy Rooney playing pinochle at the Senior Center
Anchor must do a shot of alcohol every time “word of the day”
is read
Tape delay by five seconds and have Robin Williams censor
Fire all reporters; just read press releases
Live
studio audience is armed with dodge balls
Do everything on location and encourage outrageous locals to mug for the camera
Add
live band fronted by quirky smartass musician
[Top
Ten] Messages Found on Paris Hilton’s T-Mobile Sidekick (week of 2/28/05)
Just
tried to watch our tape. When Harry Met Sally was in the case instead! CALL BLOCKBUSTER NOW!!! –David L.
Dear Customer:
The G-Spot Vibra 2000 is being recalled. It has been shown to cause brain damage with prolonged use. Please return
immediately to the nearest authorized service center.
The Imperial Wazoo has determined your mission on Earth is complete.
Report to Transport Site Beta at 22:00:00 to beam up. –Vijox Zordflap
Grasp the glass part of the bulb, insert small
metal end into socket, rotate clockwise. Let me know if you need further instructions. –Mr. Fixit
QA found a Sev
1 bug in your xpsecurity.cs module. Call the office ASAP! –Bill Gates
Missed your shift again. Those burgers don’t
flip themselves! You’re fired!! –Donald
[Top
Ten] Ways They’re Making the Academy Awards More Fun to Watch (week of 2/21/05)
Winners’
names retrieved from piñatas by blindfolded presenters using Oscar statues as clubs
Everyone must pass under limbo stick
on way to the stage
Co-hosted by Jack Nicholson and Roberto Benigni
Screw the awards, everyone just play poker
All
the action is captured by monkeycams
Instituting dress code: wet T-shirts for women, Gumby costumes for men
Special
award given at end for Best Heckler
[Top
Ten] Signs Your Favorite Baseball Player is on Steroids (week of 2/14/05)
Gets tagged
with graffiti while relaxing in the park
Loves to go swimmin’ with beautiful women
Kids mistake biopic for
latest video game
When angry, turns bright green and splits his pants
Often mistaken
for David Letterman
Donald
Trump’s [Top Ten] Dating Tips (week of 2/7/05)
Insist she
shows two forms of ID
Spit is NOT an acceptable substitute for hair spray!
It’s OK to use the “ran out of
gas” routine—just NOT while in the helicopter
Try this line: “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you said
you wanted to see the BEDroom!”
Liberally pepper conversation with references to your Tower
Serve the Colt 45
Malt Liquor in a glass
[Top
Ten] Ways This Year’s Super Bowl Halftime Show Will Be Different From Last Year’s (week of 1/31/05)
Goodyear blimp
will pierce through huge pink fabric Cristo sculpture while dropping free condoms on the crowd
All fan frisking will be
done BEFORE the game
Show climaxes with John Ashcroft’s rousing rendition of Kumbaya
Four Words: No Jackson family
members
[Top
Ten] Things Overheard at Donald Trump’s Wedding (week of 1/24/05)
We got them
his and hers LATE SHOW Mousepads!
When I heard Donald was “pulling out all stops” and “putting on the
Ritz,” I didn’t expect the Shea Stadium organist and Velveeta on cracker appetizers.
The deal included a new
home for the bride’s parents: a doublewide trailer in Juneau.
I’m pretty sure he’s just buying time until
New York legalizes SAME PERSON marriages.
For the honeymoon, they got full access to one of Donald’s friend’s
places. Maybe you’ve heard of it? HELL.
Their first date? I heard he dropped his pants and invited her to shake hands
with “The Donald.”
Their first date? I heard he dropped his pants and invited her to check out “Trump
Tower.”
Yeah. But what’s with those annoying yuppies selling lemonade out front?
[Top
Ten] Lines You'll Never Hear in a Clint Eastwood Movie (week of 1/17/05)
“I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.”
“The
squint? The %#*damn laundry service in Carson City starched the hell out of my underpants again.”
“I’ll
get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!”
“Go ahead, make my quiche.”
“One morning I shot
an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don’t know.”
“Barkeep, no whiskey for me. Just
give me a glass of that wa wa wa wa wa, wa wa waaa.”
“Ooohh, aren’t you one brawny Latinalicious hombre.”
“Watch
your mouth girlfrien’. Another crack like that and I’ll slap you silly.”
“Hey, laaaady!”
“Tucco,
pass me that there Grey Poupon.”
[Top Ten] Signs Bill Gates is Losing His Mind (week of 1/10/05)
Requires employees to digitize themselves and ride to work on lightcycles
Shows
up at tech conferences dressed as a Klingon
Drops Windows trademark and names new OS “Hoobastank”
Fires
entire programming staff and replaces with 1,000,000 monkeys
Last Will and Testament updated to include wish to be buried
under blue headstone with inscription: “A fatal exception has occurred. Bill Gates has been terminated.”
Buys
Motel 6 chain, renames Gates Motels, and develops unusual attachment to his mother
Offshores wife and kids to India
Pours
$1 billion into new product: Card-Playing Dogs Screensaver Ultra
Acquires Albert Einstein belly button lint at auction
for $1.6 million to add to personal lintball collection
[Top Ten] Dumb Guy Predictions for 2005 (week of 1/3/05)
Apple releases iPod that plays 8 track tapes
Pop star robots
lip sync at “live” concerts
George Bush orders preemptive strike on Paris Hilton (the celebrity, not the hotel)
People flock to new Disney theme park for adults: Abu Ghraib Land
Sponge Bob elected Governor of New Jersey
National
Powerball Lottery saves Social Security
Upstart Phineas Gage Corporation leads way in brain piercing market
