[Top Ten] Signs You Drank Too Much at Your Holiday Party (week of 12/20/04)
Waking up under pear tree with mouth full of feathers and very sore
buttocks
Fat bearded broad in red is lookin’ good
Bing Crosby tattoo seemed like good idea at the time
Outside
naked with various body parts stuck to lamppost
Finding the gift that Magi gave you is one that keeps on giving
Home
early in front of TV laughing out loud at Letterman
[Top Ten] Good Things About Being an Elf
(week of 12/13/04)
Spiral-toed shoes really turn on the Fairies
Perpetual discounts
on movie admissions
Free room and board
Elf Conventions kick ass!
Don’t get beat up for having a name like
Whipplypoof or Boodlebiff
[Top Ten] Punchlines to Dirty Pilgrim Jokes (week
of 11/22/04)
And befowled on ol’ Plymouth Rock [see Prufrock limerick]
One word: Squanto
She arrived on the other ship—the MayDEflower!
A
dozen. One to screw in the bulb ... eleven to get screwed by the Pilgrims.
When Myles Standish passed the cranberries!
By
the Grace of God, his hand brushed gently ‘gainst her bloomers.
[Top Ten] Lame Superhero Powers (week of 11/8/04)
Can rapidly grow underarm hair to any length at will
Flatulates
Muzak
Exerts complete control over the weather ... on an uninhabited planet in an obscure solar system in a remote part
of the galaxy
Can lip sync the wrong words to any song without getting flustered
Able to make hilarious Top Ten List
entries appear INVISIBLE to contest judges week after week!
[Top Ten] Ways California Has Changed Under Governor Schwarzenegger (week
of 11/104)
State motto changed from “Eureka” to “We’ll be back”
Jerry
Brown forsaking tofu for steroids and Botox
Schwarzenegger films required viewing at LA police academy
State boasts of being “center
of the (Mr) Universe”
Sacramento poised to be new Muscle Beach after the quake
State’s name changed to Planet
Hollywood
True Lies copyright now owned by the governor’s office
[Top Ten] Ways to Make Presidential Debates More Exciting (week of 10/11/04)
Candidates sit in dunking booths wired to CBS Fact Checking department
Loser gets voted
off the island
Serve pie
Evening gowns and swimsuits mandatory; talent optional
Panel of international judges score
each reply
Candidates have option of “truth” or “dare” for every question
Preempt with clip
show: The Shopping Channel’s Greatest Hits
[Top Ten] Names for the New Washington Baseball Team (week of 10/4/04)
Deficits
Exposés (combines Expo’s and A’s)
Insiders
Gridlock
Franco-Americans
(savvy diplomatic move by Kerry administration?)
Rovers (Karl Rove’s thinly veiled attempt at self promotion)
Switch
Hitters (pitching staff has far-right and far-left handers)
Cheneys (mascot: Bulldog; nickname: Cardiac Kids)
Spin
William
Henry Harrisons (long overdue tribute to past president)
Halliburtons (the best influence can buy)
[Top Ten] Fake CBS News Headlines (week of 9/27/04)
Bush’s Missing Months: Secret Missions Over Hanoi
Martha Stewart Delivers 500lb Alien
Elvis Baby
Bush Intentionally Misunderestimated Economic Ooching
Rather and Rivera to Open Capone’s REAL Vault
Deep
Throat Dan Apologizes for Spoofing Woodward and Bernstein
Missing Link and Dead Sea Scrolls Unearthed in CBS Newsroom
Letterman
and Rather to Swap Posts at CBS
This Space for Sale
[Top Ten] Signs Your College Professor is Crazy
(week of 9/13/04)
Starts class by sliding across stage in underwear singing ”Old
Time Rock ‘n’ Roll” into imaginary microphone.
Lab
coat has overlarge sleeves yet is somehow oddly confining.
Starts lecture by declaring “nap time” then curling
up on a mat on the floor.
Often seen trying to cop a feel from imaginary teaching assistant.
Test tubes kept “handy”
in nostrils and ears.
Letterman Top Ten Archive on required reading list.
Discussions led by two sock puppets behind
podium.
Spends more time teaching than writing intractable papers for obscure journals.
[Top Ten] Signs You’re in Love with Your iPod
(week of 9/6/04)
Decision 2004: Pace maker or iPod implant?
Two words: Thumb Blisters
Starting
to date petite rectangular women
Big bill from Emergency Room Urologist
Can’t stop rapping those big business
presentations
No longer need it to continuously hear music
Spending more time downloading music than porn
Wife has
thumb switch tattoos all over her body
