Change is good.

 

We, the management team at Alternative Weekly Enterprises, have gathered you here in the pressroom to make an exciting announcement. This announcement is intended to put an end to the idle speculation and nasty rumors—replacing them with active speculation and thoughtful rumors.

 

You probably heard something about a PCP-crazed maniac jumping on the conference table at last week's board meeting and dropping a hammer throw hammer on the overhead projector?

 

Well, I’m here to confirm that indeed did happen. The whackjob in question is on the dais with us today. I’m going to let him share with you the story he told Security as he was dragged from the building. It’s a tale of brand management, asset empowerment, and old joke leverage that’s sure to have a positive impact on our bottom line. A self-styled corporate restructuring consultant and humorist, it’s my pleasure to introduce Mr. Peter Thalweg.

 

Thank you Cathy, and thank you ladies and germs.

 

First I’d like to set the record straight. No PCP was found in my bloodstream. Toxicology showed just a high level of caffeine consistent with mega-doses of coffee and Diet Mountain Dew.

 

Secondly, if caring deeply about process management and humor reengineering makes me a “maniac” or “whackjob,” then I’m proud of it.

 

In business school I learned many things and I am happy to share them with you now. Perhaps you’ve heard of: Kneejerk Resource Allocation Planning, Management By Lounging Around, Stressed Management Administering Reactively To Achieve Six Sigma? In previous consulting engagements, I successfully promoted these methods at some of the world’s best known companies: Enron, Tyco, Worldcom, Adelphia. The list goes on.

 

As my first contribution here, I’ve convinced management to institute a program called “Radical Branding.” In this program, the company will pay local goths, panhandlers, and basketball players 50 bucks to have the name of this paper tattooed in prominent places on their bodies. Keep your eyes open on the mall and playgrounds as this exciting initiative rolls out. We’re taking branding back to its roots.

 

Your Alternative Newsweekly is known throughout the Alternative Newsweekly industry as having the funniest comic strips, investigative reports, movie reviews, advice column, horoscopes, and lunch menu summaries on East Main Street.

 

But, ladies and gentlemen, something is missing. Where’s the in-your-face-yet-not-too-controversial humor column ala Dave Barry or Gene Weingarten?

 

The answer of course is: in Miami Herald syndication and The Washington Post. There’s no way an alternative weekly can afford such quality. Besides, hosting that kind of mainstream material might subvert your subversive image.

 

So what if readers haven’t been clamoring for “a humor column with a local flair.” I’m here to tell you, ladies and gentlemen, as a self-styled corporate restructuring consultant and humorist, that’s exactly what this paper needs.

 

So starting this week, I’ll be writing a column called The Lights Are On. It will tell compelling stories like: how my legal team of Chandra, Franken, & O’Brien stood up against the attorneys here to get me this sweet contract, the genius behind the naming of electric blender cycles, funny gravestone epitaphs, getting inside the heads of sidewalk sales mascot hucksters, the benefits of exorcising with a Personal Seer, sharp edges to warning labels, why I wish I had a cool nickname, why I wish I had some writing talent.

 

The working byline for the column is: “Putting a humorous spin on the mundane, depressing, and tragic.” But I’m open to suggestions.

 

I will be using Just In Time humor writing to cut storage and editing costs. That is, installments of the column will be completed and filed five minutes before press time.

 

In addition to writing the weekly column and offering unsolicited advice, I will be cleaning house. That is to say, joining the custodial staff.

 

I’m sure there will be some rightsizing, consolidation, asset leveraging, job losses, personal bankruptcies, and broken marriages. But these are exciting times. I’m proud to have this opportunity to contribute in a small way. And I look forward to working closely with each and every one of you who survive the coming changes.