The 2005 Mousepad-Ha!ku Summer Blogbuster

July 17, 2005 - #10 Malod’rous haiku swelters like a steaming turd ‘pon summer sidewalk July 18, 2005 - #9 This mousepad haiku tocsins like an angry duck in a frothy pond July 19, 2005 - #8 The nimble haiku cocks its tiny head and flits from its mousepad perch July 20, 2005 - #7 The brawny haiku ripples bulging metaphor 'cross rubbery chest   (Just missed being in the running. Random time: 6:55:27 PM. Last closest time: 7:23:37 PM. My time: 7:37:31 PM) July 21, 2005 - #6 This mousepad suffers from restless haiku syndrome. There a pill for that?   (Auspicious submission time (5:59:59 PM) wasn't even close to random time (11:39:26 PM)) July 22, 2005 - #5 DANGER: MOUSE CROSSING SPEED LIMIT 1 MPH HACK POET AT WORK July 23, 2005 - #4 Impulsive mousepad awakes from drunken bender tattooed by haiku July 24, 2005 - #3 Succulent haiku: verbal veal chop on bed of laminated rice July 25, 2005 - #2 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s winning haiku nor shabby mousepad   (Ladies and gentlemen, we have a WINNER! Submitted time: 6:20:53 PM. Random time: 6:37:31 PM) July 26, 2005 - #1 Cheap painted haiku glowers like a slighted tart athwart rubber sheet

July 13, 2005 Galactic Duck banks, Slows, and flees hyperspace through The Cosmic Anus

April 9, 2005 Let’s play Hide and Seek! Daddy will never guess where I hid the car keys

April 7, 2005 The view: breathtaking But the hike to Fred’s outhouse: Not taken lightly

April 1, 2005 Punxsutawney Phil Ready to put a whuppin’ On my sorry *ss

February 20, 2005 Hand me the 3 wood I've played many a sliced ball From stands worse than this

February 12, 2005 The hills are alive With the sound of von Trapp kids Stoned on Edelweiss

February 10, 2005 Rue thy intellect Frothing and churning yet too Shallow to kayak   How do I love thee? Astride bed of summer stream Slippery and wet

February 3, 2005 Sights set on treetops Didn't consider in time That low hanging branch

February 1, 2005 Blondie and Tuco Labrador and Horned Lizard wa WA wa WA waaaa   Eat the goddamned thing And put an end to those lame Geico commercials   Creatures great and small Strutting and fretting their stuff In life’s great stare down

January 31, 2005 I can’t believe they Don’t have more Porta Potties At White Snake concerts   Hey there beautiful How ‘bout you and me hook up Before the ark sails?   Don’t worry Ronald You’ll do great in the boardroom The boss is an ass

January 29, 2005 Ragged sky-kissed peaks The austere beauty of a Kentucky strip mine   Breaking news from Mars Rover’s final transmission: “Get your own damn rocks.”   Nature’s siren song Spirit yearns for distant crags Where’s the interstate?

January 28, 2005 Unbidden thoughts of Sponge Bob and Patrick shatter The sapphire calm   Morning has broken Like the first mor-or-or-ning Black bird has spoken   Susie sells seashells By the Seattle seashore Sam solicits sex   Oh Hymie O’Phil Please don’t hurt us and kill us And tear our eyes out

January 27, 2005 Sleek and luminous Ninety feet below the waves It’s Nessie all right   Saturn’s moon Titan Filmed by the cameraman from The Blair Witch Project   Ethereal arc Streaking ‘twixt feathered blackness Goddamn glaucoma   Banderas sword drawn Parries with furious grace Flubs mark of Zorro