[Top Ten] Signs the Space Shuttle Astronauts Have Been Drinking (week of 7/30/07)
Busch Series missions scheduled for 2008
Meteor showers being named after brand of discarded empties—catch
the Coorsids in August
Newest space station module constructed entirely from empty kegs
[Top Ten] Pet Peeves of the Transformers (week of 7/23/07)
Constant requests to transform into Liza Minnelli and sing a medley from “Caberet”
People making jokes
about their nuts and dipstick
Left over pieces after every transformation
Assembly instructions in Chinese
[Top Ten] Signs Spider-Man Just Doesn’t Care Anymore
(week of 4/23/07)
Videotaped boogying in the Rose Garden with President Bush
In angry phone message, Aunt May calls him a “rude,
thoughtless little dung beetle.”
Costume features ads for Classmates.com, Orkin Pest Control, and some local personal
injury attorney
Buys replacement costumes off the rack at Toys R Us
Web surfing done on line
[Top Ten] Signs You’ve Been Stuck on a Plane for Ten Hours (week of 2/19/07)
Old lady in 3C keeps screaming “I’ve had it with these m#&*$%ing delays on this m#&*$%ing plane!”
All
your joints are in their full upright and locked position
[Top Ten] Things Overheard at Grammy Awards (week of 2/12/07)
“I recognize the American Idol contestants, but who are all these other hacks?”
“I couldn’t
hear a darn thing. I sat behind Letterman and Oprah and they just wouldn’t shut up.”
“The Academy decided
to make the awards non-binding this year.”
[Top Ten] Signs Bill Gates Is Your Secret Valentine (week of 2/5/07)
He’s arrested for trying to rough up your boyfriend in the Winn-Dixie parking lot wearing a diaper and astronaut
helmet
Geeky tech support guy shows up at front door to deliver singing lap dance
[Top Ten] Signs You’re Watching a Bad Super Bowl Halftime Show (week of 1/29/07)
1. Find yourself daydreaming about John Madden having a wardrobe malfunction
J.W. J., Charlottesville, VA
Prince takes breaks
during performance to send text messages
Regretting decision to stay put while spouse cleans up doggie steamers in backyard
Your
friends are all gathered on back porch trying to knock ice sickles off the house with cans of beer
[Top Ten] Lines in the New “Rocky” Film (week of 12/18/06)
“Oy, Adrian! My aching bejoingas!”
“I coulda been a contender ... on 'Dancing with the Stars.'”
“Let’s
do the mind warp again.”
[Top Ten] Reasons Bob Barker is Retiring (week of 11/6/06)
Refuses to shave head and grow pansy-ass goatee
To devote all his time to advocate for neutering Tom Cruise
Replacing
Gene Simmons on KISS reunion tour
[Top Ten] Things Overheard at the White House Halloween Party (week of 10/30/06)
"Bobbing for apples is a perfectly legitimate form of interrogation."
"I'm really gonna miss Foley's grab bag trick
on the pages this year."
"I like Dick's pirate outfit ... especially the Halliburton 'H' on his Jolly Roger."
"Abramoff,
DeLay, Libby, Foley, Hastert, and friends as a chain gang. Who says Republicans don't have a sense of humor!?"
[Top Ten] Questions to Ask Yourself Before Buying a Ticket on the New Passenger Space Craft (week
of 10/2/06)
Can you afford round trip?
What was wrong again with the Botox/sports car option?
Should you give a courtesy
call to doc in rehab?
Can the frequent flyer miles be redeemed for an equity stake in Google?
How
many G’s will be pulled ... out of your wallet?
[Top Ten] Rejected Katie Couric Sign-Offs (week of 9/11/06)
“That’s what it’s all about, September 18, 2006.”
“Praise Allah”
“That’s
the CBS news. Believe it, or not.”
“Bess, you is my woman.”
“Got milk?”
“Smell
you later”
Announce her “Horny Alert Level” color for the day
[Top Ten] Other Changes to “Survivor” (week
of 9/4/06)
Producers circulating rumor that one tribe has WMDs
Instead of extinguishing a torch at Tribal Councils, a puppy
will be sacrificed
Tom Cruise’s [Top Ten] Reasons Why We Haven’t Seen Suri Cruise (week of 8/21/06)
Uncanny resemblance to Marlon Wayans
[Top Ten] Least Popular Summer Movie Sequels (week of 8/14/06)
"Taco Libre"
"Curious Kong"
"Over the Hedge Fund: The Ken Lay Story"
"Snakes and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails
on a Plane"
[Top Ten] Reasons You’re Having a Lame Summer Vacation (week of 7/31/06)
Got hamstrung by dirty pirate bastard
Your bottles of Thunderbird keep evaporating in the heat
Invitation to
O’Phil Family Reunion got lost in the mail
[Top Ten] Cool Things about Dating a Superhero (week of 7/24/06)
Fact: Man of steel. Myth: Faster than a speeding bullet.
Standard uniform: mask, leather, tights. Ooohhh. Spank
me.
Can chill the Boone’s Farm with a single breath
[Top Ten] Punchlines to Dirty Pirate Jokes (week of 7/17/06)
"Because he hooked his Jolly Roger.*"
*The joke: "Why did the one-armed pirate say Yaarrrrrrrr while pleasuring himself?"
[Top Ten] Things on Kim Jong-il’s To-Do List (week of 7/10/06)
Head butt Condoleeza Rice
Cancel gift basket for chief engineer of long range missile program
Have intelligence
agents “invite” Marlon Wayans to the palace for dinner
[Top Ten] Reasons Superman is Returning (week of 6/26/06)
Finally got up the nerve to march in the gay pride parade
Wants to put a whuppin on Kevin Spacey
Two words: jury
duty
[Top Ten] Reasons Bill Gates is Stepping Down from Microsoft (week of 6/19/06)
Date stipulated in deal he signed with the Devil ... wait, he is the Devil
Realized the future is in fried chicken
not software
Figures it's time to step out and make some REAL money
Has inside scoop on little known Y2K+8 bug
Wants
to get out before Microsoft's new VISTA operating system ships
[Top Ten] Ways to Make the World Cup More Exciting (week of 6/12/06)
Tie the players to metal poles and let fans play via remote control over the Internet
Replace the balls with those
spooky orbs from “The Prisoner” TV series
Have the US team throw a few games before storming back to win the
cup
[Top Ten] Little Known-Perks of Being the “American Idol” Winner (week of 5/29/06)
Viewed favorably by Nobel Prize committee
Guaranteed gig as Tuesday night headliner at local Pizza Hut
Thong
autographed by Paula Abdul likely to fetch a few bucks on eBay
Pentagon has arranged for USO tour to entertain
the troops ... on the Al-Qaeda side ... as PSYOP initiative
[Top Ten] Signs You’re on a Bad Cruise Ship (week of 5/22/06)
300 year old mead served by skeleton zombie pirates
Ship name: USS Petri Dish
Most popular pool is the one for
betting on which passenger will fall overboard next
After sampling the punch at the Captain’s Meet and Greet, awake
to find yourself below deck chained to an oar
[Top Ten] Things Overheard During Keith Richards’ Hospital Stay (week of 5/15/06)
“Claimed he was lured up there by the Chiquita Banana chick”
“Appears he’s been taking the
stuff used to embalm King Tut as dietary supplements”
“Bloody lucky ‘e fell on ‘is ‘ead and
not ‘is arm”
“Little known side effect of mixing Tequila, Viagra, and Lipitor.”
“Blood
sample was a chemical match with Saturn’s moon Titan”
[Top Ten] Impossible Missions (week of 5/8/06)
Getting placenta added to the USDA food pyramid
Convincing Al Qaeda to redirect its efforts into recording Farsi
version of “The Star Spangled Banner”
CIA chief elect to convince employees at The Agency to accept his choice
of company song: “Off We Go After the Wild Blue Staters”
Getting viewers to tune in to the sequel to ABC’s
bird flu movie about the ultimate catastrophe: How chaos caused when hurricanes strike the US at the same time terrorists
launch a WMD attack causes George Bush to declare martial law and install himself as President for a third term
Tom Cruise
to get a grip
[Top Ten] Questions in the White House Press Secretary Job Interview (week of 5/1/06)
“Do you like to ride bikes and hunt?”
“Can we attach these electrodes to your genitals?”
“Mr.
Bush will not tolerate leaks from this office. Are you comfortable declassifying state secrets on the fly?”
“How
would you clarify what the President meant by: (1) ‘Those who enter the country illegally violate the law,’ (2)
‘I am the decider,’ (3) ‘Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job?’”
“Would you
sleep with Helen Thomas if demanded by your country?”
“Can you repeat after me: Our planes in Spain will mainly
bomb I-rain?”
[Top Ten] Ways to Make “Star Trek” Cool Again (week of 4/24/06)
Dammit Dave, I’m a screenwriter not a magician!
Work mention of “Klingons massing around Uranus”
into every episode
New name: “Cosmic Scene Investigations: Outer Betelgeuse”
William Shatner as Kenny the
crewman who gets killed and resurrected in every episode
Screw that science crap, make it about angels, ghosts, and fairies!
[Top Ten] Ways President Bush Can Raise His Approval Rating (week of 4/17/06)
Build 30 foot high levee around Donald Rumsfeld
Launch intensive campaign to improve adult literacy ... his own
Replace
cabinet with ensemble of computer-animated critters
Relocate his office to New Orleans’ 9th ward in time for hurricane
season
Declare May “National Buffalo Wings and Beer” month
Personally oversee building of first human colony
on Mars
Instead of giving unscripted press conferences, entertain nation by playing accordion while doing Riverdance dressed
in red, white, and blue lederhosen
[Top
Ten] Katie Couric Reasons for Coming to CBS (week of 4/10/06)
Thought she
was signing up for government prescription drug benefits with C_V_S
Al Roker overdue for “no pants” phase
Has
the hots for Andy Rooney
[Top
Ten] Ways New Yorkers are Celebrating Spring (week of 4/3/06)
Getting the
hell out to Florida and Jamaica
Shoveling snow with a renewed sense of wonder and thanksgiving
Watching city tax rates
“spring ahead”
Taking cushy jobs in the CBS news department
Dancing in the streets to Hymie O’Phil
and the Homewood Brass’ rendition of “Take A Train”
[Top
Ten] Ways Barry Bonds Can Improve His Image (week of 3/27/06)
Marry a cowboy.
Cry
at press conference when announcing new role as president of the Association for Saving Homeless Orphans and Toddlers (ASS
SHOT).
Take sabbatical to foil Lex Luthor's plot to destroy the Earth.
Promise little Hymie during hospital visit his
next line-drive foul has Kirstie Alley's name on it.
Declare victory in Iraq.
[Top
Ten] Other Inaccuracies in "The DaVinci Code" (week of 3/20/06)
Opus Dei was
not the illegitimate love child of Susan Dey and a cartoon penguin.
Jesus Christ's middle initial was not "H."
The key
that unlocked the crypt that housed the box that contained the map that identified the tunnel that held the cipher that broke the code was never
hidden in Pat Robertson's sock drawer.
[Top
Ten] Signs You’ve Been Living with Your Parents Too Long (week of 3/13/06)
You find yourself
staying up night after night to watch their favorite late night TV show hosted by some geriatric ex-weatherman.
You’re
out-puttering dad.
The highlight of your week is the Saturday night Parcheesi tournament.
Beer runs have been replaced
by trips to the pharmacy.
You’re on a first name basis with the birds and squirrels in the backyard.
The marijuana
really is medicinal.
[Top
Ten] Things You Don’t Want to Hear on Your Spring Break Trip (week of 3/6/06)
"Honey, you
were hilarious! The camera guy from 'Extreme Spring Break Sluts VI' said he'd never seen anything like it."
"I know you
were sh*tfaced, but getting that prophet Muhammad tattoo showed extremely bad judgment."
"I trust you're wearing a Speedo
under those folds of pasty-white pockmarked flab, you disgusting pig."
"I'm sorry to report Metallica disappeared from
the bridge last night. We are pleased, however, to announce Carnival's Metallica Spring Break '06 Cruise will now feature
the polka stylings of Hymie O'Phil and the Homewood Brass."
[Top
Ten] Dumb Guys Ways to Slow Down Global Warming (week of 2/27/06)
Deport that
El Nino guy
Require catalytic converters on all livestock
[Top
Ten] Rejected Winter Olympic Sports (week of 2/20/06)
Synchronized
Snow Angels
4-man Bobsled Cross (a.k.a. "Bubbasledding"): 6 teams of 4 compete head to head in sleds packed with beer and
firearms
Cheney Memorial Penguin Shoot (scoring: 10 points per penguin, 50 points per lawyer)
Naked Luge
Puppy Curling
Ditch-the-Hypodermic
Relay
Tickle Me Sven
Super G String
The "Ono!" – not a new event, but Olympic equivalent of a Grammy - awarded
to 3 competitors having best wipeouts in other events
[Top
Ten] Sayings You Don’t Want to See on Your Valentine’s Candy Hearts (week of 2/13/06)
Your grandma’s
hot!
Size matters
The kid’s not yours
Cyanide by Godiva
For a good time call Laurie 555-7196
I’d
rather “do” the dishes
Yodelers for Jesus
Who’s your friend?
Kill kill kill
Get packin’
lard ass
[Top
Ten] Cool Things about Having the Super Bowl in Detroit (week of 1/30/06)
Little chance
of costume malfunctions in city known for skilled union labor and quality manufacturing
Fans can make quick stop in Canada
to buy cheap drugs with leftover cash
Mayor Kilpatrick to provide free taxi service using swanky new car borrowed from
police department
Threat of crime likely to scare away terrorists
[Top
Ten] Signs Osama bin Laden Wants a Truce With the U.S. (week of 1/23/06)
His audition
tape delivered by anonymous courier to producers of American Idol
Balls, say hello to Mr. Vice
Has become apparent George
Bush can send America back to the Stone Age without Osama’s help
Illegal NSA wiretap picked up following message
matching Osama’s voice print, “Waaaahhh, Abu El-Ricky.”
Spy satellite footage shows Osama and lieutenants
training on Olympic bobsled course
[Top
Ten] Least-Popular New Products at the Consumer Electronics Show (week of 1/9/06)
EEEWOS: Combination
digital pen and rectal thermometer
Goomba: Household robot that extorts money from its owners
Siiv dual core processor:
loses half the data it processes
iCod: Animatronic fish that sings to users through pair of white earbuds
iPud: Device
that lets the world know you’re an obnoxious materialistic asshole
PDAAAAAAAY: Handheld endorsed by Henry Winkler
Dumb
Guy GPS System: Geographical locator that flashes message “You are here” in bright red letters
[Top
Ten] Things Overheard at Elton John’s Wedding (week of 1/2/06)
“It’s
a beautiful gown. But somehow I expected more.”
“Don’t let the grooms go down on me.”
“Long
live the Queens!”
