Dear Beloveds,

I had seen Ishaq around Eugene for a while before I actually got to know him. I did a retreat with him in October of 1995, my first real experience of Sufism. I loved doing zikr with him! We were supposed to be in silence the whole time, but there was this cat, out at Lost Valley where the retreat was, and I couldn't help but pick it up and talk to it. Seemed like Ishaq would always come walking down the path and catch me talking to the cat...he'd just give me a little smile and walk on.

December 1995, Sema and the big after-Sema party at my ex-boyfriend's house. Ishaq and Be singing, for the first time I hear Ishaq sing "Radha and Krishna". I say to my friend Michele "I wish I could meet a man who sings songs like that!"

In January I invite Ishaq over for dinner, after he makes some comment at Dances that he's always interested in having someone cook because he's in between houses (he was living on Zarifah's floor at the time). I need a roommate and we talk, and decide to give it a two-week trial run, if we get along, he'll move in as my roommate. We are both very clear with each other - this is just friendship, neither of us is interested in starting a relationship. I had ended a six year relationship and wanted to explore being on my own.

That all lasted about a month.

It's pretty clear early on how well we get along...We sing together. I cook, he does the dishes. We travel up to Salik and Majida's for zikr. It is raining and really nasty out, but we put on the oldies station and sing all the way up and back along with the radio.

Michele keeps asking me "What's wrong with you? You're living with this great man, he's so good looking and he even does the dishes!" And I start to see Ishaq differently, even though I don't want to. I do tarot readings, I Ching, all sorts of divinations, to prove that Ishaq is NOT the one I'm meant to be with.

Finally, at Tsunami books, I pull down a copy of Rumi poems. My last oracale, I think. Whatever Rumi says, I'll abide by. I hold the book in my hands and then let it fall open. The poem is the one above, "When A Man and Woman Become One".

Well, that seemed pretty clear. And the rest is history. Ten and half years of joy, music, sickness, health, swimming, laughing, and yes, some fighting along the way too. We weren't the perfect couple, but it was as close to perfect as I had ever come in a relationship before. Ishaq was easy to be with, and a wonderful, caring partner.

Since his passing, I've been amazed that I haven't dissolved into a useless puddle. I feel him with me very strongly, especially when I'm in nature. I'll get the feeling that I should go to a certain place, follow a certain path, and there will be a feather at my feet. He seems to be having so much fun in his new form, with the entire universe as his playground. Ishaq was never afraid of death. That he could leave his body, laughing and swimming in one of the rivers he loved so much is a great blessing. His kidneys were not going to last much longer, this was very possibly his last summer of being able to be active and out in the wild. Though I miss his physical presence, his voice and his touch, I know that I would never want to see him linger in a hospital, wasting away.

I think he is teaching us all still, that we can vision our own passing in the future. And that we can do it laughing.

Love and Blessings,


Anna Armaiti,
August 26, 2006

Anna Armaiti at Painted Hills, John Day Fossil Beds, 2006. Photo by Ishaq Jud