Proctor and Bergman Live on KUOI-FM Moscow, Nov. 14 1975

It Ain't Necessarily Soap

Phil Proctor and Peter Bergman live on KUOI-FM, Moscow, Idaho, November 14 1975


[FX: RAIN]

VOICE (prerecorded legal ID): You're listening to KUOI-FM, Eighty-Nine Three, in Moscow.

[FX: FADES]

ANNOUNCER (in-studio): The LDS Institute will sponsor a Back To The Fifties dance Friday night, November 14th, from eight to midnight. The Institute is located at 902 Deacon Street.

CART: "PROCTOR AND BERGMAN PROMO"

VOICE 1: Who is Proctor and Bergman?

VOICE 2: A new rock group!

VOICE 3: A dirty hippie freak!

VOICE 4: TWO dirty hippie freaks!

VOICE 5: A partridge in a pear tree!

VOICE 1: No! Proctor and Bergman are half the internationally-known Firesign Theatre.

EXCERPT FROM "DEAR FRIENDS" 12-LP SYNDICATED SERIES, SHOW 8, SIDE 1

OSSMAN: Would you supply the correct word for this sentence?

AUSTIN: Certainly, okay.

OSSMAN: All right... "Oscar does some funny..."?

VOICE 1: ...Proctor and Bergman of Firesign Theatre. They'll be here Friday, live in the ballroom of the Student Union Building at eight, November 14. Proctor and Bergman of the Firesign Theatre, brought to you by ASUI Entertainment and KUOI-FM.

[RECORD: "Jungle Strut" Ramsey Lewis, from Sun Goddess Columbia Stereo KC33194 ©, pub. 1974 CBS Inc.]

[after about thirty seconds, song cuts off abruptly]

BERGMAN: -uhp-tape splicing here...

PROCTOR: Excellent student-run......ike......engi.....adios and everything, it's just teriffic. And it looks great too.

BERGMAN: Hey, brand-new......ike....ones, too!

PROCTOR: ...ongratulations you guys.

BERGMAN: Hey you did a real good job putting in those ...inted ...ircuits, too, we can tell it ...overload or ...apacitance problems.

PROCTOR: ...is is the best board I've ever seen. This is real Moscow lumber.

BERGMAN: Yeah... Yeah. I'm board already. [snores]

PROCTOR: [yawns]

BERGMAN: Well, this portion of the Proctor and Bergman show is brought to you by the Dried Pea and Lentil Institute here in Moscow, and also by Isadora's Duncan Donuts.

PROCTOR: That's right, all of the big wheels on campus will scarf 'em up.

BERGMAN: That's right, Isadora's Duncan Donuts, and you don't have to break your neck to find us, and we're featuring this week a classic eating treat...

PROCTOR: Yes, it's the uh, Doric Cinammon Columns, Pete, and uh, special for the fraternities...

BERGMAN: Oh yes. Greek Donuts-holes in the rear. That's Isadora... Duncan Donuts. Also brought to you this week by Black Nat's Off-The-Road Used Tire Empire. Say-if you can find us... you need new tires. Well, Proctor and Bergman back here, on K-UOI-or is it K-IOU? It depends on whether they pay their bills or not, huh Phil?

PROCTOR: That's right, uh, and uh...

BERGMAN: Oh, here's a public cervix announcement...

PROCTOR: All right, I'll just read this...

BERGMAN: Janine Ramon...

PROCTOR: Mm hm...

BERGMAN: ...of Pullman, Washington, this afternoon...

PROCTOR: Look at that...

BERGMAN: ...at the Experimental Hospital gave birth to a six-year-old boy, and she says, "Whew... what a pleasure to skip those terrible twos." Well congratulations, Jane, you're gonna need it.

PROCTOR: And here's another, uh, important public service announcement for the Moscow area... Vnimanie gospada! Pozalusta nado znat' esli u vas budet ili ne budet class v zetvertom chasu. Okay, I hope that's clear, and everybody out there in Moscow will... hop to it.

BERGMAN: Oh, here's a s-excuse me, thank you very much, here's a special announcement that just came in...

PROCTOR: Yeah?

BERGMAN: ...from the Dean of the Engineering of University of Idaho...

PROCTOR: Oh. Okay. Let's read that.

BERGMAN: ...he says: Attention all students and audits taking High Energy Statistics 431-uh-Please disregard in its entirety Professor Gogson's lecture of Tuesday last entitled 'Shortcuts to the Fission State of Paramagical Approach'. Uh, all, uh, programs written on University mainframe computers using Professor Gogson's so-called high-compression information factor should be immediately de-written, and all so-called 'Houses of Eternal Life'...

PROCTOR: Hm...

BERGMAN: ...constructed, uh, from information pursuant to that lecture should be immediately destroyed. Professor Gogson has been placed on indefinite international leave and Mr. Ericson, the uh, instruction, uh, leader will take over his teaching duties. Well. That's certainly a surprise.

PROCTOR: That's good... and also, for uh, you guys out there who would like to read some more about us...

BERGMAN: The three scholars who attend this University.

PROCTOR: Mm hm... uh, you can uh, check right out there, I've done a little bit of research on The Life Of The Aardvark by F.J. Habre, illustrations by Alexander Meixeira de Tattos. Uh, you can find the Observations On Sexual Selection In Aardvarks Of The Family Tubulidentata by W. E. Geckham, uh down in your library there, I've left a couple of copies, and also Peter brought The Aardvark Wonders of Australia by M. C. Keown.

BERGMAN: I certainly did. I sit on it when I play the piano.

PROCTOR: Right. And uh, I have brought, uh, The Aardvarks of Connecticut, which is the biology of aardvarks with special reference to the Danish fauna by N. Eilson, Volume 1, Coopenhagen, in Danish, and that's 723 pages with 459 really good illustrations in the text.

BERGMAN: Well I have to admit, Phil, and maybe you'll back me up on this one, we went to college-we went to Jail, of course, together.

PROCTOR: Yale, Pete.

BERGMAN: Oh, Yale. And, uh, we didn't study much there, we were basically into extracurricular activities, that was outside the circle of students, the extracurricular activities, and we really didn't get into studying much 'cause we were both liberal arts students, but now we're back and studying science, uh...we're here of course to take an extension course-first of all to get ourselves extended, but, ha...

PROCTOR: Well, yes.

BERGMAN: ...enough of that, uh, sex magazine talk. We're actually here to study Electoral Engineering.

PROCTOR: Yes, that's the rigging of polls. I understand you're going to have some important elections here at the school, and we're here to advise, uh the three candidates as to their chances.

BERGMAN: Yes. Which are slim. Except for the candidates who are overweight like most of the people here, stuffed as you are on dried peas and lentils. Also, by the way, I'd like to mention that Sneezer's Finger-Lickin' Chicken there at the corner of uh, Moscow and Leningrad Avenue here in Idaho, is featuring this week and this week only, a bucket o' duck.

PROCTOR: Mmmm-mm!

BERGMAN: Say-yeah! So, uh, remember, there's-a waitress on a skateboard comin' at you with a bucket o' duck. Don't let your date get bored, just floor that Ford and truck down to Sneezer's Finger-Lickin', Nose-Pickin'-Good Chicken Inn.

PROCTOR: [sneezes]

BERGMAN: Gesundheit. Well, enough ads for right now. Let's just get back to student-run radio.

PROCTOR: Yeah, it's good to be on non-commercial radio like this...

BERGMAN: It certainly is.

PROCTOR: ...you don't have to break into your uh, witty rap with all these important announcements all the time.

BERGMAN: That's true, that's certainly true. It's nice here in Idaho, you know, we were told as we were driven in, uh, by the two fellows who picked us up-uh, they stole a really nice 1973 Chrysler car. I think it was actually an AntiChrysler, I, you know, because...

PROCTOR: It was, yeah, AntiChrysler motors, yeah-

BERGMAN: You know what happens-I just, just mention this tangentially before I talk about our trip in-you know you read in the papers now and then, Phil, that uh, 400,000 cars have been recalled by, uh, AntiChrysler, you know...

PROCTOR: Mm hm...

BERGMAN: ...or, uh, General Motors, and you know people think that they recall them and send the same car back. It's not true. They send new cars back and take the old cars and send them to the Indian reservations...

PROCTOR: Oh yeah?

BERGMAN: ...where they're piled up and they're made into non-denominational churches.

PROCTOR: Well that's good. I notice that they've bronzed, uh, the first Indian here at the University...

BERGMAN: With his feet still in the shoes. That's what was really torturous...

PROCTOR: Yeah, and he is the symbol of the, of the uh, of the team is it? The, the, the Vandals, they call it?

BERGMAN: Well, he was called a "cymbal" actually because two Indian exchange students-they were exchanged for three IBM typewriters, I think, about four years ago-

PROCTOR: Mm hm...

BERGMAN: ...are used, they are beaten together, you know...

PROCTOR: Oh, I see...

BERGMAN: ...the metal, the metal casings in their teeth are, and they're beaten together and the metal casings resound, they're used as a cymbal in the marching band here. Now it was called the marching band because the University of Idaho has lost so many times to Washington State University, and the team has to walk back, of course, when they lose...

PROCTOR: Uh huh. Right...

ANNOUNCER (in background): [laughs]

BERGMAN: ...that the band has to march back with them.

PROCTOR: Keeps their morale up, right, kinda...forces them, actually-it's a forced marching band, isn't it?

BERGMAN: It certainly is a forced marching band. It's called the March of Humiliation, and has turned many of the football players into radicals here. A lot of them go into state politics, a lot of them go into state institutions.

PROCTOR: You, do you think that's why Rosie Grier fell down when he got off the plane?

BERGMAN: Isn't that funny?

PROCTOR: Just kind of out of, you know, angst, or a feeling of, uh, comraderie with the, the, the losing team?

BERGMAN: I think it could have been Cascade Airways that was responsible-you know, before we got on the Cascade Airways, uh, Beechcraft Bomber, uh, that brought us in from...

PROCTOR: (makes airplane prop noise)

BERGMAN: ...uh, Broken Spokane airport, uh, we were given a big pitch ...

PROCTOR: (putt putt putt putt putt)

BERGMAN: ...by the lady behind the desk there, she said "Cascade Airways, never an ugly stewardess, every seat a window seat."

PROCTOR: Yeah, it's...

BERGMAN: Well that's because there are no ste-stewardesses...

PROCTOR: ...true...

BERGMAN: ...and there's only one seat on each side of the aisle.

PROCTOR: ...and there's only one seat on... that's right.

BERGMAN: Yep.

PROCTOR: It was, it was true, and uh, it was kind of nice with the door open, too, I thought, Pete.

BERGMAN: Flying with the door open!

PROCTOR: That, we haven't done that for years, you know.

BERGMAN: What a chance to get a look at the rolling, heavily irrigated, uh, wheat territory here.

PROCTOR: Yeah.

BERGMAN: It's really beautiful. You know that this area-Pullman, which is the large sta-uh, large, um...

PROCTOR: City next...

BERGMAN: City, uh...

PROCTOR: ...right...

BERGMAN: ...next door, yeah, was actually named after the fact that it was formed when a train car went off the tracks...

PROCTOR: Mm.

BERGMAN: ...in Pasco, Washington...

PROCTOR: Mm hm.

BERGMAN: ... a Pullman car, and rolled all the way down to the site now of Washington State University.

PROCTOR: Ohhh...

BERGMAN: Yeah, it's true.

PROCTOR: Well how did you find out all these things? Are, is this part of your uh, your studies when you, come to the, this particular part of the country?

BERGMAN: No, that was just reading that, uh, four-year-old copy of Northwest Passage magazine there on Cascade Airlines.

PROCTOR: Oh, the one on the airlines, yes.

BERGMAN: ...that talked about the Ford and Pig Race.

PROCTOR: Yeah. Right.

BERGMAN: That's true, they got a policeman to run after our Presiden-our President...

PROCTOR: Mm hm...

BERGMAN: ...and if they can catch him-which won't be hard in '76-

PROCTOR: No.

BERGMAN: -you win a prize, which is the chance not to vote, in November.

PROCTOR: Well, they did say that Nixon was gonna sell us a used Ford, and...

BERGMAN: And he did!

PROCTOR: He did.

BERGMAN: Or a used car, at least.

PROCTOR: Yeah, well...

BERGMAN: Same old Washington Dodge to me, though, Phil, really it is...

PROCTOR: Beep! Beep!... I know.

BERGMAN: Well, our Lincoln shot, whaddya expect.

PROCTOR: Exactly.

BERGMAN: Yeah...

PROCTOR: It's true.

BERGMAN: ...with an AntiChrysler in office. I hear that there's been a big shuffle up there. But they didn't get the ace of spades, Henry Kissinger.

PROCTOR: Oh yeah?

BERGMAN: He's still in office. Yeah, well they need him, of course, he's the guy that's in the next room tape-recording everything the President does. Of course with Ford, they don't have to use any tape. [laughs]

PROCTOR: [laughs]

BERGMAN: He just, just sits there and listens to his wife-"You put a woman on that Supreme Court bench!"

PROCTOR: That's right.

BERGMAN: "You put a woman... a woman oughta be on that bench!" And I think they're right, you know.

PROCTOR: They oughta redesign the robes, too, I think, or...

BERGMAN: Yeah, a little tight-fitting, little arrows there in the black robe, bringing it in...

PROCTOR: Right. A good-looking Supreme Court Justice would I think be, you know-and she could wear a blindfold-

BERGMAN: Just-ette. Just-ette.

PROCTOR: Just-ette.

BERGMAN: Yeah.

PROCTOR: Sure, I mean, ah, this is the era of ERA, in one ERA and out the other, let's make the transition neat and clean, I say.

BERGMAN: Yeah.

PROCTOR: You know, and, and, let's get some, uh, some good-looking women in places of, of high governmental positions, so you can look up their skirts.

BERGMAN: So there could be a, a Bust, of the lady judge, you know...

PROCTOR: Mm hm...

BERGMAN: ...in the, in the Hall of Congress there. You know it's normally, it's just those marble pictures of guys from Alabama that served fourteen years...

PROCTOR: Sure, right.

BERGMAN: ...before they were discovered.

PROCTOR: Well, France is on the right... they want to do a, they want to have, uh, Brigitte Bardot on their stamps.

BERGMAN: They did. They did.

PROCTOR: They did.

BERGMAN: She's been on their stamps for ten years now.

PROCTOR: Of course, you see?

BERGMAN: Yeah, you get to lick Brigitte Bardot every time you send a letter to your mother.

PROCTOR: Every time-of course! This is, you know... Uh, so I think that we're on the right, on the right track, and of course we're out, we're out here because, uh, we do believe that what this country needs is some new ways of looking at old, uh, ideas.

BERGMAN: Well I'm here, actually, because I'm taking, as I say, an extension course in Dried Pea and Lentil Technology.

PROCTOR: Oh, is that why you're...

BERGMAN: And this is the place to do it by the way...

PROCTOR: I know, I know of no other university, other than Silo U...

BERGMAN: ...if you want to get IN the soup. Well, there's of course, uh, uh, what do they c-Moo U-uh...

PROCTOR: Moo U.

BERGMAN: ...Iowa State...

PROCTOR: Mm hm.

BERGMAN: ...where we've also peformed. That's a good place...

PROCTOR: ...Ames, Iowa...

BERGMAN: ...if you want to study uh, rare animal diseases.

PROCTOR: Mm hm.

BERGMAN: Here if you want to find out what causes the winter boils to form on lentils and peas...

PROCTOR: Yeah...

BERGMAN: ...therefore ruining the crop, you have to come here-

PROCTOR: Well, it might ruin the crop, but it's, they're very delicious.

BERGMAN: Oh, in certain Chinese restaurants, Central Chinese restaurants that make that thrice-humiliated, uh, winter boil pea.

PROCTOR: Yeah, or, the-did you ever go to the Swoh Len Duck? That's a delicious...

BERGMAN: That's over in, in, right here in Moscow Idaho!

PROCTOR: Next to Noodle City, right. It's, just pass through Noodle City, an-if you can-and on the other side is the Swoh Len Duck restaurant... the...

BERGMAN: Swoh Len Duck... I've never been there. What's it like?

PROCTOR: ...big duck. Well, uh, it's a, it's wonderful...

BERGMAN: It's at the sign of the big duck.

PROCTOR: The sign of the Big Duck. Uh, the, the duck of your choice gets to eat the meal of your choice, and then you eat the duck.

BERGMAN: Hey! That's very creative! And it, it sounds rather democratic-

PROCTOR: It, it is.

BERGMAN: -if you've got a lot of money and you want to impress the lady.

PROCTOR: Well, it's mainland China, uh, democracy. You know what I mean? Uh, you all share. It's like-you can get the Family Dinner there, the Maoist Family Dinner...

BERGMAN: What's that like?

PROCTOR: It's a bag of rice, and you order it for yourself but then you have to share it with everybody in the restaurant.

BERGMAN: And there are thousands and thousands of people in those community restaurants...

PROCTOR: ...just waiting for one of those to be served. Or you can have the Revisionist Dinner. That's very good.

BERGMAN: The Revisionist Dinner?

PROCTOR: Yeah. That's, uh, Jello and Coke and you have to eat it with chopsticks.

BERGMAN: Ah! Well... the Swoh Len Duck. "Swoh Len, your host." I think I saw that in the newspaper.

PROCTOR: Yes, yeah.

BERGMAN: Well listen, thi-

PROCTOR: And Sloh Llen, his uh, waiter uh, uh, cousin.

BERGMAN: This section of the uh, Proctor and Bergman show is brought to you by your local Giant Toad Supermarket...

PROCTOR: Oh yeah, got that announcement here...

BERGMAN: ...that is featuring uh, this week-let me see-I always forget-

PROCTOR: Here, yeah.

BERGMAN: Oh!

PROCTOR: There it is.

BERGMAN: Oh! Nose Brothers Coffee. Ah.

PROCTOR: Good, good stuff.

BERGMAN: N-O-S-E, B-R-O-S, Nose Bros. Open the can (Chik! Chik! Chik! Chik! Chik! FSSSSSSSSSS!)-take a sniff (snrfffrrff!)-you've just had... Nose Brothers Coffee.

PROCTOR: And also there's a new uh, all-action cereal from Canada, uh, with a hockey puck in the bottom of every box, called Body Chex. Well that sounds delicious! It says here that kids will have to eat all the cereal before they can get the puck out.

BERGMAN: Oh, that's great, Phil.

PROCTOR: And that's a special also.

BERGMAN: Well, that's really, you know-

PROCTOR: Good-lookin' stuff.

BERGMAN: This, this, this radio station by the way has just gone ...ereo....ereo....ereo for the first time, and we are saluting Michael Rophone, the inventor of what has been casually called the microphone, he was the Italian that found the only way that he could talk to his mother and family, right...

PROCTOR: Mm hm.

BERGMAN: ...was to [cups his hands over his mouth] cup his hands and speak, [talks normally] but because he worked in the carbon paper mines, the carbon crystals on the inside of his palm began to compress...

PROCTOR: Uh huh...

BERGMAN: ...as the varying voltage from his voice would resound through his fingers...

PROCTOR: Yeah.

BERGMAN: ...and that was the invention of the microphone. They used to carry him around...

PROCTOR: Ohhh...

BERGMAN: Mussolini had him carried around, of, his large political events and used to speak through his cupped hand.

PROCTOR: And then I believe, if I'm not mistaken, he learned that he could infuriate his teacher and his wife by, uh, scraping his fingernails against a slate, uh, board, right?

BERGMAN: It was the, it was the electoral slate, that Mussolini then uh, wiped clean...

PROCTOR: Right. And he found that the, the speeches were being replayed when he did this. And that was the invention of the, uh, what we now call the pornograph recorder.

BERGMAN: No, that, that's the PHONOGRAPH recorder.

PROCTOR: Oh. Well-depends what you're playing on it.

BERGMAN: Well, the pornograph recorder was outlawed by that latest Stiff Obscenity ruling from the Supremist Court.

PROCTOR: And the F dash C C.

BERGMAN: Yeah. Right. You know, they'll take your license away-I had my license taken away by the FCC, but what surprised me, I, I thought they took radio licenses away. Which isn't true, by the way...

PROCTOR: No, no, no...they'll take your driver's license, or your...

BERGMAN: Take your driver's license away...

PROCTOR: -they, in my case they took my poetic license.

BERGMAN: They did? They...

PROCTOR: Yeah, I can't rhyme in time, uh, anymore...

BERGMAN: Ah ah ah! Watch it, watch it, till you get it back...

PROCTOR: Well, I, I said "anymore". See, I c-I didn't say, "I can't..."

BERGMAN: No, no, feminist rhymes are becoming-

PROCTOR: [overlapping] "...rhyme in time...for a dime." See, I can't say anything like that.

BERGMAN: -very very popular now.

PROCTOR: Yeah.

[a brief silence]

BERGMAN: This is, uh, in honor of dead air.

PROCTOR: What-you mean we're the first dead air on the new, uh, station here?

BERGMAN: First dead air comedians on the station today.

PROCTOR: Boy, that's, that's gonna really destroy a lot of premises, you know.

BERGMAN: The, uh, team, the Vandals, you know, in their pep rally tonight, are going to smash windows and pour ink over library cards in the Idaho area...

PROCTOR: That's good, yeah...

BERGMAN: ...living up to their name. The, uh, Univer-Washington State University are the Cougars, right? And they let some of those untrained beasts that they bring in from the wilderness area of Idaho...

PROCTOR: They, they put 'em behind...

BERGMAN: ...they run around savaging, uh, freshmen.

PROCTOR: Right. Not only that, but I saw a couple of them behind the wheels of cars out there.

BERGMAN: That's right. Well they're snappy drivers, you know.

PROCTOR: Oh yeah.

BERGMAN: Unless they wear those one-way glasses, then they just think they're too much, and they just roar down the road-

PROCTOR: And when they put a tiger in their tank, and they're... that is...

BERGMAN: Smells terrible, man.

PROCTOR: Oh, it's just awful.

BERGMAN: That fur comes pouring out the exhaust pipe.

PROCTOR: Yeah.

BERGMAN: I tell you, it's just weird.

PROCTOR: It's colorful, but very unattractive, ultimately.

BERGMAN: Oh, I should-I should mention of course that, uh, many of the people are listening to the station today not to hear the palaver of Proctor and Bergman, but they know-

PROCTOR: Oh, are they going to be here?

BERGMAN: Oh, no. They're only on tape.

PROCTOR: Ah.

BERGMAN: But, uh, they know that uh, we've come with a very important political announcement. We're going to announce a, a candidacy that is going to charge the nation. And I think you have that uh, press release here, don't you Phil?

PROCTOR: Oh, I have some, yes I do have, uh, it's, it's not really-written yet, I don't know if I have the uh...

BERGMAN: The notes will be good enough I believe, if, if you can't find it, I can-

PROCTOR: Well we can always just...

BERGMAN: I can just fill...

PROCTOR: ...tell them... I don't... No, I'M Phil.

BERGMAN: I mean, I can just, uh...I...

PROCTOR: You're, YOU'RE Pete.

BERGMAN: I can just whistle "It's Only..."

PROCTOR: Oh, here it is!

BERGMAN: "It's Only Rock 'n Roll, But That's All I Know," our new song...

PROCTOR: Yeah, here, here it is...oh... All right, we're here to announce that...uh...

BERGMAN: (whistles fanfare)

PROCTOR: ...the Electrician is running for President of the United States in 1976.

BERGMAN: That's right...

PROCTOR: And...

BERGMAN: The Electrician is running, this is the current news.

PROCTOR: This is the news direct from Electoral City, uh, where he has his electrifying campaign headquarters, and uh, he is going to, he hopes, pull the plug on Papoon, who as you know is still campaigning under the tired old banner of being Not Insane.

BERGMAN: [laughs]

PROCTOR: Now, uh...

BERGMAN: That's not enough anymore.

PROCTOR: We felt for a long time that we need an alternate candidate, uh, we need a Washington A.C.

BERGMAN: An Alternate Candidate! An A.C....

PROCTOR: ...to match the Washington D.C., right?

BERGMAN: Instead of the same old D.C., or Dumb Candidates...

PROCTOR: Right...

BERGMAN: ...that have been uh, meeting so much resistance lately as they try to get down the line.

PROCTOR: That's right, and uh, let's face it-we can't just sit at ohm and ask, "Watt's happening?" Uh, he has the capacity to get the, the current running in his favor, it's been alternating thus far, but... his campaign is positively grounded.

BERGMAN: It's, it's true, Phil, and you know now that he's been inducted into the ring he's just not gonna sit there, cuttin' a lot of z's.

PROCTOR: Right.

BERGMAN: He's gonna get out and show them... what it's all about.

PROCTOR: And you know uh, we have, uh, we're going to have a teriffic campaign with lots of exciting press releaches-releases-er, and a few releaches, too-uh, run by a battery of pressmen led by Sparks Mallory, who has lasted longer than any other press secretary. He's everready and he also promises to stop press leaks from the battery, uh, those terrible acid comments you got every once in a while.

BERGMAN: Oh yes, just keep-just keep coming out.

PROCTOR: Now, uh, we're gonna be going out on the campaign circuit directly, uh, we'll have no sexist advertising, by the way.

BERGMAN: None whatsoever.

PROCTOR: Uh, both male and female plugs will be on the radio and on television.

BERGMAN: And remember-two prongs don't make a light.

PROCTOR: That's right, you need the female. Mm hm.

BERGMAN: You've got-you've got to plug in the female.

PROCTOR: And we're really gonne socket to them.

BERGMAN: Now this, this Electrician is not insulated from the American public.

PROCTOR: No, definitely not. He...

BERGMAN: No, no. He's wired.

PROCTOR: Right, and he's not gonna run his campaign like a three-ring circuit.

BERGMAN: Uh-uh.

PROCTOR: For instance, let's take the issue of busing. Well, he's for busing, uh, but he's gonna go even further-why not a terminal in every house?

BERGMAN: Yeah, a bus is not enough in every house. We need a terminal-and it stops there.

PROCTOR: That's right. Now the country is going down the tubes! There's a vacuum between the power and the people!

BERGMAN: Oh! Well! You see?

PROCTOR: This country needs to be turned on! So switch to the Electrician. All right-drugs. Let's take the problem of drugs.

BERGMAN: Oh! Thank you very much! [gulp] Mm!

PROCTOR: Sure... I've always said that if someone needs to get wired and insulate himself from the flow around him, if he wants to turn off or turn on, let him be.

BERGMAN: Oh Grid. Oh holy Grid.

PROCTOR: He is the most permanently magnetic personality in the field. So enlighten up, America. Enlighten up. Turn on to the Electrician-One Man, One Volt.

BERGMAN: There it is, uh, that's the announcement I think a lot of you have been, have been looking for... and we're proud to be running with the Electrician, uh, you can be his Vice Presidential candidate, because he's running on the ticket of "Vote For The Electrician, And Someone Like Him."

PROCTOR: That's true.

BERGMAN: And that means everybody else out there, because I think one of the-if I can make a, an opinionated statement, which is rare for an opinionated son of a gun like me, I think one of the things we, we lack in politics is the chance for every voter to, in a sense, run and vote for himself.

PROCTOR: Mm hm.

BERGMAN: Now the uh, vacuum that has been created in the American electoral system is, is most obvious by the fact that we have a... a uh, what do you-

PROCTOR: No, he's...

BERGMAN: ...an appointed President, right?

PROCTOR: President, yeah...appointed...

BERGMAN: Appointed by [Nixon voice] you-know-who.

PROCTOR: [drunk voice] Who's the President? That guy over there! You just point.

BERGMAN: [Nixon] You-know-who...

PROCTOR: [Nixon] Yes I know...

BERGMAN: [Nixon] They're gonna kick me out, okay! I'm gonna give 'em somebody [lowers voice] ...they'll never forget! They'll want me back after five months of... him! I don't care if he wears a helmet from this day forward! It won't help! [regular voice] And that isn't bad enough. Just not bad enough to have, you know, a r-a Ford that we might have to recall-

PROCTOR: Mm! Mm hmm!

BERGMAN: -no, no no no no!-is that we've got a Vice President-ha, ha-have we got a Vice President!-after bankrupting the state of New York, he comes and now he's the President, he's the President of Vice, and he's doing pretty well...

PROCTOR: [Rockefeller voice] Been playing with the toys in his Attica!

BERGMAN: Oohhhhhhh-Vice President Oysters Rockefeller is with us today! If instead of appointing him, he had given EVERY voter in the United States, male and female and bothwise, a chance to be Vice President for a minute, for a day...

PROCTOR: Oh, what a teriffic, you know, I mean...

BERGMAN: Sure. Who's Vice President today? Well, between three-fifteen and forty seconds and three-fifteen and forty-two seconds, it's Roger Gymnast, of Little Door Idaho! See, and-

PROCTOR: See how fast he can talk, and maybe he can pass some heavy-

BERGMAN: And he's gone. He's not VP anymore.

PROCTOR: Aw, that's too bad. [snaps his fingers] He didn't have a chance to change anything.

BERGMAN: See, and, and then, and you get-you get a chart sent to you, "Thank you for being such a fine V.P., while you were in office the following bills were passed..."

PROCTOR: Mm hm.

BERGMAN: You know? But, [tsk] no chance now. No chance. So the Electrician is gonna offer everyone the opportunity regardless of age, to have-if he's taken anything from Papoon's campaign, we gotta cop to it-it's that idea of enfranchising everyone regardless of their age. He won't go so far as to enfranchise the one-celled organisms, like Papoon.

PROCTOR: No, no, no, no.

BERGMAN: No. He considers that too radical.

PROCTOR: And, and, even-even then, the amoebas were splitting their votes in the last election. It's very hard to control the little things, and uh, uh, basically it's awfully hard to count the votes, because they, they're changing so fast.

BERGMAN: Well don't you think also that a lot of the potential underground support for the Electrician-

PROCTOR: What, the moles?

BERGMAN: The moles, I'm speaking of here...

PROCTOR: Yeah. Yeah. Mm hm.

BERGMAN: ...the slugs, right...

PROCTOR: And the ants.

BERGMAN: ...and the ants... are gonna stick with Papoon, because they're the only man that, that really speaks to them in the language they understand.

PROCTOR: True, uh-

BERGMAN: Chirping.

PROCTOR: The underground campaign headquarters, and the cocoons, and of course the, the uh, termites who inhabit the cabinet that he has created, uh-they're all firm supporters.

BERGMAN: I think they've cut out the, I think they have eaten away some of the, the support from that cabinet, by the way. You know?

PROCTOR: Really?

BERGMAN: I really do.

PROCTOR: I know he removed many of the cabinet posts, and then the whole thing collapsed on him, he had to construct a new one.

BERGMAN: That's what the Electrician is accusing him of. He says that Papoon is running only with a shadow cabinet 'cause he's too cheap to afford more than one bare light bulb...

PROCTOR: Yeah, well that's a little unfair, but you know, after all, he does want to cast a new light on everything, and so we, we have to accept that kind of uh, ideology.

BERGMAN: Well listen Phil, I want you to stay here, uh, I've got to get down the old Lentil Trail to pick up that battery-operated car from It Hertz Rent-A-Car, the old Batmobile.

PROCTOR: Oh sure. Right.

BERGMAN: So I'll be back in a while, and I'll meet you uh, probably downstairs there in uh, Inaudible Hall...

PROCTOR: Right, I'll be down there ...ecking the ...ound system, uh, for the show tonight.

BERGMAN: Oh. ...ood.

PROCTOR: And uh, also I'll probably be catching a little snack of some sort.

BERGMAN: 'Bout time.

PROCTOR: I'm gonna, just gonna eat some pictures of food tonight 'cause I'm on a diet.

BERGMAN: Oh, I can-I, I can dig it. Well, nice to talk with you again, Phil.

PROCTOR: It was nice talking to you Pete.

BERGMAN: Nice talking to me, too, [getting up, off-mike] and uh, I'll be back in a flash, as they say...

PROCTOR: All right.

BERGMAN: And thank you, K-UOI for being such a new and fine station. I STILL think it's K-IOU, I took a look at their accounts payable...

PROCTOR: I thought it was K-OUI, the French station.

BERGMAN: Ku-you!

PROCTOR: Koui!

BERGMAN: Koui! Koui!

PROCTOR: Well, now, we can uh.. while, while Peter goes out to get our car...

ANNOUNCER: (steps back in)Yeah, that was Peter Bergman, he's...

BERGMAN: (off-mike, student voice) Hey, could you play some Eagle records?...

PROCTOR: [to announcer] Uh-oh, is that, s-a student who wants to hear some music?

BERGMAN: ...like two at once? That's really close harmony.

PROCTOR: Sure, okay, we'll, we'll-we'll put those on in just-just a little while, young man.

ANNOUNCER: Right, Pete, we'll put on some, uh-some Eagles, Eagles music for you right now... Yes sir, that was, uh, Peter Proctor, um-s-ohh! Wha-

PROCTOR: That's right, and Phil Bergman.

ANNOUNCER: Yeah. [laughs]

PROCTOR: Sure, it's all the same.

ANNOUNCER: That's a little, little backwards, though... that's right, Phil Proctor and Peter Bergman there, and they were live-

PROCTOR: We think it's very exciting, by the way, that you're uh-well I still am, as a matter of fact. Uh, we think it's rather exciting that you, you play the Firesign shows, uh Dear Friends shows, and uh, you have Let's Eat too, I understand, or, perhaps...

ANNOUNCER: Yeah... [laughs]

PROCTOR: And, uh, we're gonna be putting together a show too, the Proctor and Bergman Radio Club, which we're, we're hopefully going to be making available to you, uh we're going to fly a plane over and just drop a bunch on the station here. And uh, we are travelling all over the country finding out what this country needs, you see-so do you have any suggestions?

ANNOUNCER: F-as far as the country? A few new politicians, I think that's about it.

PROCTOR: Nude... well, you see, nude politicians-

ANNOUNCER: [laughs]

PROCTOR: ...well, that's a radical idea too, but at least you, you know, let it all hang out, you can really see what...

ANNOUNCER: Yeah, really, expose 'em up there where they should be exposed.

PROCTOR: Right. What they're like. Uh, just think, then they'd have to have body plastic surgery instead of just, you know, the facial stuff. Oh-we flew in today with Rhonda Fleming, by the way, on the plane.

ANNOUNCER: Rhonda Fleming?

PROCTOR: Uh huh.

ANNOUNCER: She came to Idaho?

PROCTOR: Yes she did, and we were uh, were were in the first class, uh, section, because uh-with the baggage-and, uh-which gets preferential treatment these days, 'cause you never know what's in it, you see-

ANNOUNCER: Mm hm.

PROCTOR: -and uh, uh, she had to sit in the back 'cause they, they didn't have any more first class uh, uh, seats left. Isn't that interesting?

ANNOUNCER: So you guys got the first-class seats, and...

PROCTOR: S-yeah, and we didn't even know she was on the plane until she came off with all the, the state troopers and uh, Miss uh, Spokane uh, met her, and uh, gave her some flowers, and uh-with, and some thorns on the side, and it was, it was a delightful experience. She was there to open a new theater, uh, in Spokane. She's a spo-a spokeswoman for Spokane, and stuff like that.

ANNOUNCER: Great.

PROCTOR: Anyway, uh, I also will have to get downstairs for the ...ound check, but uh, we will be performing tonight, we're going to do a two-act uh, uh-comedy concert. The first uh, part of the show is the TV Set, TV Or Not TV, then there'll be an intermission during which Cheech and Chong will perform and then, we'll be coming back with some more Proctor and Bergman comedy uh, uh, answering the question What This Country Needs.

ANNOUNCER: Great. And that's tonight at eight o'clock in the SUB Ballroom?

PROCTOR: It i-is it? Oh, I thought it was tomorrow at three in the afternoon.

ANNOUNCER: Oh no, no.

PROCTOR: Oh, I better get-I better get down there.

ANNOUNCER: You're, you're running late. [laughs]

PROCTOR: Oh my gosh. Well, thanks again, for...

ANNOUNCER: Okay, Phil, thanks again for coming over.

PROCTOR: It certainly is uh, an attractive studio, and the...

ANNOUNCER: Yes...

PROCTOR: [makes feet-walking-on-tile sound effects with boxes] ...these nice uh, these boxes and crates and things look so good in here...

ANNOUNCER: [laughs]

PROCTOR: [moves off-mike] The little burnt carpet that you've got your feet on, it, it's teriffic. Good luck with it.

ANNOUNCER: Right. Phil Proctor and Peter Bergman, live. And they'll be live tonight at the SUB Ballroom so get over here and get your tickets, they're still cheap, they're a dollar fifty, and if you wait 'til later on they're two bucks. So hurry on over to the SUB Ballroom.

PROCTOR: [off-mike] Buy 'em from me for a dollar!

ANNOUNCER: Yeah! Okay, let's get on with some music. Let's listen to some Pink Floyd.

[silence]

ANNOUNCER: ...and they're, they're comin' along here...

[a very long silence]

ANNOUNCER: Here they are, the heart-

PROCTOR: I love Pink Floyd.

ANNOUNCER: It's a little bit of heartbeat here.

PROCTOR: That's the Dolbys you just listened to, isn't it?

ANNOUNCER: That's right, Phil.

PROCTOR: The quietest-quietest singing group.

[RECORD FADES IN: Ramsey Lewis "Jungle Strut"]


Firesign Theatre