Mommy's Tiny Angel
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Life After Abortion


This is my story after I had my abortion.  I will go through what happened in my life after my sweet Jayden flew to Heaven.

Three months after breaking up with Richard again, and two months after my abortion, Kirk and I got married on Valentine's Day of 2003.  I was so happy that I was finally with the love of my life.  I knew this is where I belonged.  We also bought our first house in March.
Richard had called me around March to tell me that he had just got married that day to some girl he met a couple weeks prior.  I didn't know why he felt the need to tell me, I don't know if he was trying to make me jealous or what, but I really didn't care what he did.  After he and I broke up, I had continued giving him overnight visitation once a week (it was court ordered).  I told him the only conditions were that he was not to have any drugs in the house when she was there, he was to keep her normal routine that I had for her at home, and his mother was not to be with her alone.  His mother is Schizophrenic and didn't take her medication which made her very unstable.  He agreed to these terms.  Eventually I started suspecting he was having his "druggie friends" over while Christine was there for her visits.  He would act guilty when I came to pick her up.  I would start dropping by without notice and sure enough, I caught him doing a drug deal.  I told him the overnight visits were over.  I knew we had a court order for visitation every Sunday at such times we could arrange, so I told him he could still have a couple of hours with her once a week, but I would be watching him.  I kept close eye on him, and decided to have my dad come with me one day to drop Christine off for her visit.  We went up to his apartment and noticed that he had a video camera above his door hidden behind an American Flag with a hole in it.  I thought this looked rather suspitious.  I knocked on the door several time, and he didn't answer.  I decided to call him on his phone.  Finally he came to the door.  He looked really rough.  I looked in his apartment and the hallway was completely filled with junk to the point where nobody could get through.  Also, in his living room there were several empty bottles of alcohol, a bong, and a knife on the floor.  I told him that he was not going to have his visitation that week, and turned around and left with my dad and my daughter.  I discontinued visitations for a while because I didn't want my child being over there.  I think any good mother would had done the same. 
One day I had a knock on my door.  It was the Department of Human Services.  I was told that somebody had called me in for child abuse.  The accusations made were that I would lock my children in their room all day and night long, that I would spank them so hard I left welts and bruises in the shape of handprints on them, that I bathed them in hot water, and that I threaten to hit them in the head with a hammer.  When the social worker came in, he immediately knew that these accusations were probaby inaccurate.  I told him about the problems I had been having with Richard, and the he may had been the one to call this in (it was an anonymous call).  He wrote all of this stuff down, and said that he was going to try to get a hold of Richard because what he was doing while Christine was there was, in fact, child abuse.  Richard avoided the phone calls and visits from DHS.  The social worker told me to use my own discrimination on the visitation, but that I could not get in trouble for violation of the court order with such a reason as to why I was not allowing him visitation.
I called Richard to see if he would admit to calling me into DHS.  Of course he denied it, but I knew better.  I knew it was either him or his mother.  He started getting very upset with me because I had discontinued the visits.  I wasn't comfortable letting him around her.  Eventually I hired a lawyer, and she adviced me to compromise with the visitation and tell him that he would have to come to my house, or to a mutual/public area and that it would be supervised by me.  Richard refused this.  He said he would only accept her coming to his place.  He continued calling me and threatening me.  He said he was talking to a lawyer and that he was going to get custody of her because I was keeping her away from him for no good reason.
A couple of months after Kirk and I got married, I found out I was pregnant.  Needless to say, I was scared.  I didn't know how this pregnancy would go since I had an abortion not even six months earlier.  My mom was concerned and worried as well.  I knew that there was no way that I would even consider aborting this pregnancy no matter how bad it got.  I was going to leave the decisions up to God this time.
This pregnancy was also pretty bad.  My blood pressure was a little better this time, but I was in and out of the hospital with dehyration, kidney infections (several of them), and pre-term labor.  I started spotting early into this pregnancy as well, and ultrasound showed that I had the pooling of blood above my cervix again.  Still, they didn't know why it was there.
On January 12, 2004, I went into labor.  I drove myself to the hospital, because I didn't think it was the "real thing" so Kirk stayed at home with the girls.  When I arrived at the hospital my contractions were regular, and I was dilated 4-5 cm and 70% thinned out.  The nurse told me that I was having a baby today, and that I should call my husband.  I was excited, because I wasn't scheduled to be induced until the 16th.  They were going to induce me because of all of the infections I kept getting, and how uncomfortable I was.
My doctor came in a little while after I arrived to break my water.  When he was trying to break my water, I was in a lot of pain.  He told me he would wait until I got my epidural before he broke my water.  I got my epidural shortly before my husband arrived.  He was not feeling well that day, but somehow he gathered up the strength to be right there by my side.  That was something I never had with the other two deliveries, because the father's were not involved.  It meant so much to have Kirk there by my side, and he was so excited to share this wonderful experience with me.
My doctor came in to finally break my water.  I started running a fever, but I didn't know much about that until after my baby was born.  The nurse kept coming in a checking my temperature, and to see my progression.  That evening she checked me, I was dilated 6 cm.  She told me that it would probably be a while yet before my baby arrived.  Twenty minutes later, I started feeling extreme pressure.  I told my mom that it hurt.  She told the nurse that I was feeling a lot of pressure and was very uncomfortable, and that maybe she should check me again.  The nurse didn't think that she didn't need to check me because I was only at 6 cm twenty minutes ago.  My mom insisted that the nurse check me, so she did.  I was at 9 twenty minutes!  I was still running a fever, and was starting to feel pretty crummy.  My doctor came in and decided he was going to manually dilate me to 10 cm so we could deliver this baby. 
Doctor told me to push.  The baby's head was crowning, so he told me to stop pushing so he could "gown-up."  By this point I couldn't stop pushing.  The doctor barely had enough time to gown up before my baby was born.  Another beautiful baby girl!  Kirk and I named her Madison.  She weighed 7 pounds 7 ounces and was 20 inches long.  The doctor was seemed to be consered about me and told Kirk to go take pictures of the baby.  He tried to keep Kirk distracted because I was bleeding really bad and he was trying to stop it.  I had tore all the way back (3rd degree laceration), so he had to repair that damage.  Since I was bleeding so badly, he had to start sewing me up without any local anesthetic.  Needless to say, this was extremely painful.  Thankfully, he was able to slow the bleeding down, and I could finally focus on my new baby girl!
The nurse kept coming in to check my temperature.  She said I had been running a pretty high fever during labor, and she wanted to make sure it went down, but it didn't.  Come to find out I had a cervical infection, a uterine infection, a possible placental infection and a kidney infection. 
Madison was put in NICU the day after she was born.  She had a very high White cell count (double the normal) due to myself being so sick.  They put her on IV antibiotics, and kept her in the hospital for 10 days.  Eleven days after she was born, she got to come home.
Madison has had a struggle with respiratory infections since before she was two months old.  She was hospitalized with RSV just before she turned 2-months.  She has had runs with RSV and bronchiolitis several times so far in her first year of life.  She has been hospitalized for it at least 3 times, and has had several cases where she was not hospitalized.  She was diagnosed with RAD (Reactive Airway Disease) very early on, and we were told by her doctor that we should watch her closely for signs of asthma when she gets older.  She was prescribed nebulizer treatments of Pulmocort and Albuterol for the first year of her life.  Other than that, Madison is a very happy baby.
It was hard when I found out I was pregnant with Madison because I kept thinking about Jayden, and how that baby would never have the chance that my other kids have.  Some people keep telling me that I should be fine with the decision I made, because I wouldn't have my youngest daughter, Madison if I had continued the pregnancy because I conceived her before Jayden was due to be born.  I don't know what I would do without Madison, but that still doesn't make me feel any better about the choice I made.  I have so many regrets, and my biggest one is not giving my precious Jayden a chance to live.  Jayden would be turning 2-years-old this coming June 2005.  I think about my baby every single day, and I shed tears of sadness.  I wish I could change what happened, but that is one thing I can't do.  All I can do now is let Jayden know that my love will grow stronger as each day passes by, that I await the day I join Jayden in the Heavens where we can embrace for eternity.
A couple of months before I had Madison, we found out that Richard was in prison again for a felony charge for possessing ingredients to manufacture Meth.  He was only 25 years old and he already had been in prison three times with felony charges.  My lawyer said that we could try to terminate his parental rights if we wished to.  After we had talked about it for a while, we decided to give it a try.  In May of 2004 we took Richard to court to have his parental right revoked.  He contested it at first, but soon found out that he was trying to fight a battle that he would never win.  We went back to court in June.  Richard was not in court since he was locked up, but he joined us via telephone.  The judge asked him to state his name, birthdate and how old he was.  Richard didn't even know how old he was.  The courtroom was baffled.  Richard didn't seem to fight it much.  He knew he screwed up and there was nothing he could do about it now.  A week later we got the papers stating that Richard's parental right were terminated.  We were so happy.
On top of all of this, my nephew was born into the arms of angels on February 12, 2005 at only 22 weeks gestation, and I was praying that God didn't do this because I had an abortion.  I know that is a horrible thing to think, but I didn't know why this would happen to this tiny baby.  Blake only weighed 1 pound 0.4 ounces and was 11 inches long.  He was so tiny, yet so perfect.  After the loss of him, my depression got worse.  I couldn't stop thinking about my baby, Jayden and I couldn't stop thinking about my sweet nephew, Blake.  I started going online trying to find some comfort, and found many wonderful sites that helped me with the loss of my nephew.  I also made a website in memory of him.  Many wonderful people emailed me saying that they were sorry for the loss of Blake.  There was one woman who noticed that on my signature on my emails I had also suffered a loss (Mommy to my Earthly angels, Alyssa, Christine & Madison & my Heavenly angel, Jayden & Aunt to Brandon~Earthly Angel & Blake~Heavenly angel).  Even though I hadn't told many people online about my abortion, I knew I had to tell her.  She was so wonderful!  She cradled me with loving arms, and told me that a loss is a loss no matter what.  She inspired me to make this website for my sweet Jayden.  To not be ashamed of what I did, but be proud to be the mother of a beautiful angel that is just as much my child as my three daughters that are here on Earth with me.  I love Jayden so much, and nothing can take that away from me.  I will continue to let my love for Jayden be my guiding strength in everything I do.  I thank this wonderful woman for showing me what I already knew in my heart, and letting me know that it is alright to grieve, that I need to.
On March 16, 2005 Kirk adopted Christine.  This was such a wonderful day.  The judge was honored to grant this to us.  He saw how much Christine meant to Kirk and I and said he was so glad he was able to share that with us.  Kirk has always treated my girls as his own, but now it was on paper that Christine was his.
As far as Alyssa's biological father goes, well he is not involved in her life.  He pays child support which I am very grateful for, but doesn't seem to have much interest in being a part of her life.  Alyssa turned 8-years-old in October 2006, and Josh has only seen her a few times.  It's been 4 years since he saw her last.  He has chose a lifestyle that does not involve Alyssa, and that is something that has been hard for me to accept.  My heart breaks when she asks me why Josh doesn't come see her, or call her.  I know everybody keeps telling me that he is not worth wasting my time on, and him not being involved in this little girl's life is his loss, not her's, but I can't help but wonder if this is all my fault.  I miss him being in my life, and I want him to be in Alyssa's life as well. 
I now hope that I can get my life back together.  With everything that has happened to me in the past few years, I have lost myself amongst all of this chaos.  I am finding that there are so many people out there that are so warm, loving and supportive.  I am so grateful for all of them.  They have helped me through some really tough times, that I am not so sure I would have made through alone.  Thank you so much for all that have been there for me during these difficult times.  God bless all of you!

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"We cannot change our circumstances,but we can ask God to change our attitude toward them. When we cast our cares into His sea of love, He changes not our situation but the way it affects us." (by Fr. John Maronic, OMI)