Thursday, March 02, 2006
Oh...
For number (2) in my last post, I considered putting in something about how I know from personal experience that you can not come to God on your own terms, but it just did not seem not seem to fit the flow of that passage.
It is, however, entirely true. I have been trying to find God on my own terms for going on three years now. I have never once gone to church with any intention of worshiping God... not even when I was on the, ahem, worship team. (That's a christian euphemism for "the band".) I only went to church to learn; and I have learned and learned but nothing has come of it.
It would be meaningless to call my own post "thought provoking," for clearly I was thinking about this topic already. But I have been thinking about it a lot more since then, and I finally realized how I am like that rich young man. I know what my issue is; what it is that I can not give up, what I will not give up, what I do not think that I should have to give up...
I never heard Jesus say, "Follow me." On the contrary, I thought that God was essentially telling me, "Whatever you do, don't come this way." But I was so intrigued by the idea that there would actually be a god telling me anything at all, and I was determined to go that way, whatever it took. Well, almost whatever. There is that one thing, that deep down I have really wanted all along, that was more important to me than God- that I actually thought I could get to through God...
There it is... my "great wealth." So what now? Do I just go away sad?
For awhile now I have had the picture in my head, of me stumbling on my own, and every time I fall down, God is standing back with arms crossed asking, "Are you done yet?" But suddenly I shout, "No!" and jump back up and start off in my own direction again. And God just patiently says, "Well, okay..."
From that analogy, it seems clear that I just need to learn to stay down, and let God come help me up. I need to put my faith in God, abide in Christ, make Him the Lord of my life, and so on... But while that works in analogy, what does it really mean? What does ANY of that mean? If I decide to entirely trust God with my schoolwork, and therefore I stop going to class, stop doing homework, stop taking tests and finals, because God has it all under control... I just don't think that that would work out. Clearly I need to do something. But every time I pick a new direction thinking that it is of God, I just fall flat on my face again and realize, "Nope, not God. That was just me again."
I am tired of this.
It is, however, entirely true. I have been trying to find God on my own terms for going on three years now. I have never once gone to church with any intention of worshiping God... not even when I was on the, ahem, worship team. (That's a christian euphemism for "the band".) I only went to church to learn; and I have learned and learned but nothing has come of it.
It would be meaningless to call my own post "thought provoking," for clearly I was thinking about this topic already. But I have been thinking about it a lot more since then, and I finally realized how I am like that rich young man. I know what my issue is; what it is that I can not give up, what I will not give up, what I do not think that I should have to give up...
I never heard Jesus say, "Follow me." On the contrary, I thought that God was essentially telling me, "Whatever you do, don't come this way." But I was so intrigued by the idea that there would actually be a god telling me anything at all, and I was determined to go that way, whatever it took. Well, almost whatever. There is that one thing, that deep down I have really wanted all along, that was more important to me than God- that I actually thought I could get to through God...
There it is... my "great wealth." So what now? Do I just go away sad?
For awhile now I have had the picture in my head, of me stumbling on my own, and every time I fall down, God is standing back with arms crossed asking, "Are you done yet?" But suddenly I shout, "No!" and jump back up and start off in my own direction again. And God just patiently says, "Well, okay..."
From that analogy, it seems clear that I just need to learn to stay down, and let God come help me up. I need to put my faith in God, abide in Christ, make Him the Lord of my life, and so on... But while that works in analogy, what does it really mean? What does ANY of that mean? If I decide to entirely trust God with my schoolwork, and therefore I stop going to class, stop doing homework, stop taking tests and finals, because God has it all under control... I just don't think that that would work out. Clearly I need to do something. But every time I pick a new direction thinking that it is of God, I just fall flat on my face again and realize, "Nope, not God. That was just me again."
I am tired of this.
Comments:
What would God do with someone who threw themselves as a burden on his benevolance? Ok, no one really knows what God would do with that, although many people would like to think their guesses constitute knowledge. What would a king do with a subject who threw themselves as a burden on their soverign?
The king says, "I am looking for strong, upright people who will choose to follow me because my cause is just. I will not take you by storm and force you to be a subject in my kingdom. My kingdom will be made up of those who choose to be servants to my sovereignty."
So there is a person who says, "I have worked hard and been independant up until now. I will join you in your cause and become your servant. From now on I will do no work and cease to worry, think about, or be concerned with my own life because the power and knowledge of the king is so great that everything will come right."
It seems to me the king would say "If you are determined to be useless, then what use can I find for you?"
The deal, at least as it always has been between servants and masters, is that the master provides his power and authority as a house and shelter that the servant can take comfort and safety within. The servant, in return, devotes his energy and interest to the benefit and well being of the master and his house.
If the servant is both capable and devoted, the master is pleased and gives the servant greater trust, access, and responsibility in the house. If the servant is lazy and incompetent, the master will need to reconsider the cost of paying a worthy servant to follow him around and kick him when he does not work vs the benefit of having such a lazy servant attached to him.
If a servant struggles to enrich his master, but is so capable that he hardly ever needs to take shelter in his masters house, is the master pleased? Of course. If the servant fails and falls on his face, but does not call on the master for help... If the servant instead gets up and says "No! I can do it! there is still life in me and that life is for my master and his house!" and continues to struggle, does the master stand back with crossed arms and say "are you done yet?" (in what I can only assume is a condescending tone) Of course not.
No, the master says "since you will not come off of the field of battle until you need to be carried off because you have worked to your own destruction for my sake, I will build you a house and put aside a staff of healers so that when you fall and can not get up, I will not lose one of the most valuable members of my house. It may be that you never visit the house that has been built for you, but for my part, I will make sure that it is built and waiting to welcome you."
Of course it is you. It is always you. It is you working for your master and exercising your right to free choice in favor of the health and well being of your master and his house. And it is you who decides if the master is just and if you want to be his servant. You have done the work and study, you know the situation better than most other people. You would be hard pressed to find ten percent of the world who are more prepared with knowledge of christianity than you are for the study you have put in.
Is the master just? Would you feel honor in being a servant to such a master? Than choose for him and his house. Is the master unjust? Would you do better to find your own way with your own sense of justice? Than choose yourself as your master and work to the benefit of your own health and house. Is there another master you could serve better and who you trust more? Serve them. Your choice and your work are all you have. So choose. And work.
I have followed your site, and you have an interesting struggle. I believe that the master you choose... even if it is yourself... will benefit from having you as a servant.
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The king says, "I am looking for strong, upright people who will choose to follow me because my cause is just. I will not take you by storm and force you to be a subject in my kingdom. My kingdom will be made up of those who choose to be servants to my sovereignty."
So there is a person who says, "I have worked hard and been independant up until now. I will join you in your cause and become your servant. From now on I will do no work and cease to worry, think about, or be concerned with my own life because the power and knowledge of the king is so great that everything will come right."
It seems to me the king would say "If you are determined to be useless, then what use can I find for you?"
The deal, at least as it always has been between servants and masters, is that the master provides his power and authority as a house and shelter that the servant can take comfort and safety within. The servant, in return, devotes his energy and interest to the benefit and well being of the master and his house.
If the servant is both capable and devoted, the master is pleased and gives the servant greater trust, access, and responsibility in the house. If the servant is lazy and incompetent, the master will need to reconsider the cost of paying a worthy servant to follow him around and kick him when he does not work vs the benefit of having such a lazy servant attached to him.
If a servant struggles to enrich his master, but is so capable that he hardly ever needs to take shelter in his masters house, is the master pleased? Of course. If the servant fails and falls on his face, but does not call on the master for help... If the servant instead gets up and says "No! I can do it! there is still life in me and that life is for my master and his house!" and continues to struggle, does the master stand back with crossed arms and say "are you done yet?" (in what I can only assume is a condescending tone) Of course not.
No, the master says "since you will not come off of the field of battle until you need to be carried off because you have worked to your own destruction for my sake, I will build you a house and put aside a staff of healers so that when you fall and can not get up, I will not lose one of the most valuable members of my house. It may be that you never visit the house that has been built for you, but for my part, I will make sure that it is built and waiting to welcome you."
Of course it is you. It is always you. It is you working for your master and exercising your right to free choice in favor of the health and well being of your master and his house. And it is you who decides if the master is just and if you want to be his servant. You have done the work and study, you know the situation better than most other people. You would be hard pressed to find ten percent of the world who are more prepared with knowledge of christianity than you are for the study you have put in.
Is the master just? Would you feel honor in being a servant to such a master? Than choose for him and his house. Is the master unjust? Would you do better to find your own way with your own sense of justice? Than choose yourself as your master and work to the benefit of your own health and house. Is there another master you could serve better and who you trust more? Serve them. Your choice and your work are all you have. So choose. And work.
I have followed your site, and you have an interesting struggle. I believe that the master you choose... even if it is yourself... will benefit from having you as a servant.
