All That You Can't Leave Behind
Sunday was such a bright day, after church I just couldn't stand to simply go home. I went for a long, leisurely drive, like back in the day.
I couldn't stop thinking about driving around on a similarly beautiful day, some time ago now, on a mission to find California poppies. Those were different times. I have so many of these things, these moments, that mean so much to me but probably not to anyone else. And what does it mean to be alone if not to care about things that no one else does? Yet it seems so trite to complain of loneliness when everywhere I look I see lonely broken people.
So I returned home with a heavy heart. I decided I was overdue for a visit to my grandmother, which happened, but did little to improve my mood. Yesterday I dreamt of my grandparents. Those too were different times, in the dream. They were on a skiing trip, and my grandmother was so young and full of life. My grandfather could barely keep up. I honestly don't know if such a scenario has ever occurred, but I woke up almost sick to my stomach thinking of how lonely she must be now... after 65 years. I keep trying to tell you how cruel time can be, but I don't know if you hear.
I wanted to say these things this day in particular, for reasons that, once again, I doubted meant anything to anyone else. Then I got a certain phone call that only left me wondering, "Why today?"
But I am tired of looking for things that aren't there.
...And I know it aches
How your heart, it breaks
You can only take so much...
--U2
I couldn't stop thinking about driving around on a similarly beautiful day, some time ago now, on a mission to find California poppies. Those were different times. I have so many of these things, these moments, that mean so much to me but probably not to anyone else. And what does it mean to be alone if not to care about things that no one else does? Yet it seems so trite to complain of loneliness when everywhere I look I see lonely broken people.
So I returned home with a heavy heart. I decided I was overdue for a visit to my grandmother, which happened, but did little to improve my mood. Yesterday I dreamt of my grandparents. Those too were different times, in the dream. They were on a skiing trip, and my grandmother was so young and full of life. My grandfather could barely keep up. I honestly don't know if such a scenario has ever occurred, but I woke up almost sick to my stomach thinking of how lonely she must be now... after 65 years. I keep trying to tell you how cruel time can be, but I don't know if you hear.
I wanted to say these things this day in particular, for reasons that, once again, I doubted meant anything to anyone else. Then I got a certain phone call that only left me wondering, "Why today?"
But I am tired of looking for things that aren't there.
...And I know it aches
How your heart, it breaks
You can only take so much...
--U2
2 Comments:
I have an invitation for you lying on my desk...if only i'd get around to doing something about it. I have one for Katharine and Jeff too. Jacob is turning one in 2 weeks. Can you believe it's been a year.
I miss my 20somethings friends :(
I was thinking it was sometime in november when we went to visit you. I just couldn't remember the day. I still must point out that Jacob was screaming the first time I saw him and he has consistantly refused to look at me ever since. I somewhat suspect that he thinks that this whole cruel world is all my fault.
In some ways, it is hard to believe that it's been a year, in other ways it isn't. I still can't seem to grasp this concept of these years. Time and I are not exactly on good terms right now. That is to say, it seems to be rushing around doing a lot of things around me while very pointedly ignoring me. That's neither here nor there I suppose.
I do think about you from time to time and wonder what you're doing these days, although I must apologize that it never quite gets to the point where I actually make an effort to find out. I've become very aware of the superficiality of the group. A lot of people come and go. You tend to notice the first time that someone who used to come all the time doesn't show up. But after awhile, no one seems to ever ask what happened to them or try to find out. To some degree, I expect that it's just human nature - out of sight, out of mind - but I would think that the church was called to be more than that. Not that it's my place to criticize, as I am obviously just as guilty of that as anyone.
It is good to know that you are still out there. I am always amazed to find out that anyone still reads this page.
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