PRESENTS DIE LAUGHING!!

Let's examine the facts:

Living Fools
Two men were walking home after a night in the tavern and decided to take a shortcut
through the cemetery to get to their homes quicker. In the middle of the cemetery
they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel,
chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

Blood Suckers Three vampires walk into a bar. The waitress comes up to them and asks them what they'll have. The first vampire says, (Transylvanian accent inferred) "I'll have a glass of O Positive." The second vampire says, "I'll have a glass of AB Negative." The third vampire says, "I'm the designated driver. I'll just have a glass of plasma." The waitress turns toward the bartender and yells, "Gimme two bloods and one blood lite!"

Two nuns are traveling through Europe in their car.
They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and scratches at the windshield!
"Quick, quick!!" shouts the first nun "What shall I do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the abomination." shouts the second.
The first nun switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses even more loudly!
"What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican!" says the second.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and hisses again at the nuns.
"Now what?" screams the first nun. "Show him your cross!" says the second.
So the nun rolls down the window and shouts:
"GET OFF MY DARN HOOD, YOU LITTLE CREEP!!"

What is the difference between a Golfer and a Skydiver?

A Skydiver goes:
Oh Damn.................................

1) In prison you spend the majority of your timein an 8x10 cell. At work, you spend most of your time in a 6x8cubicle. 2) In prison you get three meals a day. At work, you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one. 3) In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work, you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. 4) At work, you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. 5) In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work, you get fired for watching TV and playing games. 6) In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained. 7) In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share. 8) In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work, you cannot even speak to your family and friends or co-workers. 9) In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners. 10) In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work, you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars. 11) In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work, there are some programs you can never get out of. 12) In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work, we have managers.

A guy walks into a doctor's office with a frog sitting on his head and the doctor says,
" Hey you seem to have a problem there."
Then the frog replies, "Yeah, and would you believe it all started as a wart on my ass!"

These aliens land in the Desert and they get out of their space craft and meet up with a large rock. The first alien says " take me to your leader or I'll destroy you". Of course the rock says nothing and the alien proceeds to take out his phaser and blast the rock into pieces.

They proceed through the desert when they meet up with a cactus. Again the first alien says " take me to your leader or I'll destroy you". Again no reply and the cactus is destroyed. Next they notice lights off in the distance. They walk towards the light and arrive at a gas station. Once again the first alien walks up to the gas pump and says " take me to your leader or I'll destroy you". The second alien tells him " I don't think that would be such a good idea".

Ignoring the second aliens comments the first alien pulls out his phaser and proceeds to blast the gas pump. This is proceeded by a large explosion sending the aliens flying back 1000 yards into the desert. The first alien shakes himself off and asks the second alien " How did you know not to mess with that one"?

The second alien replies " anyone who can take his (Howard Stern Private Part) and wrap it around his body a couple of times and then stick it in his own mouth must be one bad mother.

How do you keep an idiot busy?
Just click here to find out:

(Click Here)

There was a very old man who was lying upstairs dying. His grand
daughter came in and said "Hi Grandpa" , "Hi little sweetie" he said.
"Say, are those Grandmas extra special cookies I smell?" "Yes" she replied.
"Do you think you can sneek down stairs and get a couple for me?" "Sure" she replied.
In a few minutes, the little girl came back with a frown on her face. Grandpa asked, "What's wrong? "
" Grandma wouldn't let me have any, she says they are for after the funeral."

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away." Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated and they won't go away." The third said, "I baptized all mine and made them members of the church......... Haven't seen one back since!"

What do you call a person who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer

What's a west virginian do for halloween?
Pumpkin!

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize
world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be.....
until the looting starts!