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Peaceful Representatives of Imperial Collective Kindness has promised a final offensive that, once and for all, will suppress the insurgent rebellion.

New Convenience Card Issued

“This is great news for citizens.”

Terrorists Threaten Food Supply With FMD-IV

Attack could be more deadly than last year’s attack, which left 40,000,000 cattle dead.

Up To 5,000 Citizens Die In Massive Mudslide

Torrential rains near Mount Bush 14 to blame.

Internet2 Shut Down By Terrorist Virus

Thought to be the work of terrorists operating in the barbarian hinterlands.

AAACCEIMRSAU Declares Empire A Rogue State!

Misunderstanding of Empire’s goals blamed.

Florida Facing Record 30 Hurricanes In One Month

Extra rain seen as beneficial to rice crop.

Empire Introduces New Threat Level Scale

Citizen apathy over old scale necessitates change.

Crime Rate Declines Sharply

Pleasure taken out of prison credited.

Empire

PureThought Program Nearing Completion

The PureThought program, which promises to purify society, is nearing completion.

Literacy Rate At All Time High

“No Child Left Behind” credited with rise.

Emperor Bush VI Issues Fiat Permitting Limited Free Speech

Experimental effort to quell criticism that Empire is not free.

Social Security Payments To Increase

Emperor Bush VI’s tax cuts credited.

Home Occupancy Up Among Citizens

May reach 100% within a decade.

Changes In Gun Ownership Law

Will improve Empire security and encourage self-reliance.

Politics

Kerry-Gore Demand Another Recount

When will these two give up?

Nader Hints He Will Run In ‘24

Accuses Kerry-Gore of being part of the Establishment.

Comments

E-mail editor

Cutting-edge political cartoons

Do you know someone who is evil? We desperately need some villains. Arabs and muslims preferred; will consider North Koreans. Evildoer Hotline: 1-666-EVIL-DOER

Business

Stock market graph

Imperial Energy To Offer Rebates On SUVs

In an effort to promote consumer spending, rebates will be offered to Ford-GM-Chrysler.

Imperial Energy To Reduce Utility Rates

Former chief Prince Lay’s generous legacy to citizens.

Department of Imperial Resource Technology To Give 10,000,000 Acres To Environmental Organization

Part of a plan for “Intelligent Resource Extraction.”

IBI Says Citizens May Soon Fly Again

Security computer glitch grounds all flights.

Monetary Services Set To Introduce New Dollar

Pictures the Emperor wearing new clothes.

Science

Darwin’s Theory Of Evolution Finally Laid To Rest

Theory of intelligent design is officially recognized as fact.

Emperor Bans Prenatal Testing For Gay Genes

Latest fiat ends swirling controversy.

Emperor Considering Outlawing Science

Referring to knowledge, the Emperor said, “Too much knowledge hurts my head.”

Weather

Winter Expected To Be Coldest On Record

Thanks to global cooling, temperatures might drop as low as 65 degrees in the Northeast.

Only 1,200 Square Miles Lost To Rising Coastal Seas

Down from last month.

Health

Prayer An Effective Alternative To Health Care

Scientific study proves efficacy of prayer.

Fewer Citizens Die From Communicable Diseases

Deaths from measles, mumps, chickenpox, smallpox, influenza, tuberculosis all show decrease.

Deaths From Air And Water Pollution Reach Historical Low

Alliance between Empire and its businesses cited as model for future.

Abortion Becomes A Hate Crime, Finally

Too many unappreciative mothers violating old law.

War

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