Funny Stuff from the Gags Gang
Vol. 5 Issue 48 Nov. 23, 2009

NEWSLINES
As the Healthcare Reform Bill is being debated, liberals are pressuring PRESIDENT OBAMA to take our troops out of Afghanistan and put them where the REAL violence is - The U.S. Senate.

PRESIDENT OBAMA was in China this week, or as they call it, the "People's Republic of Wal-Mart."

According to the latest statistics, China is the world's third largest economy, right behind Japan and OPRAH.

To foster the spirit of good will, when the PRESIDENT got off the plane he wore the traditional clothes made by the children of China. You know, L.L. Bean, J. Crew, Banana Republic, Nike, Reebok.

While there, PRESIDENT OBAMA took a tour of the Great Wall of China and said it was, "magical." It was for us back home too. Looking at a photo of something American in China. You never see that.

In Japan, PRESIDENT OBAMA bowed to the Emperor and one of the people most bothered by this was former Vice President DICK CHENEY. He said no American President should bow to anyone. PRESIDENT BUSH never bowed to any foreign leaders. He just held hands with them, kissed them and then they shared a bed together, but that was different. That was for oil.

The Premier of Japan has a plaque on his desk that says, "The Yen Stops Here!" BILL CLINTON has a plaque on his bed that says, "The Yen Never Stops."

SARAH PALIN'S new book is finally out and there's some really shocking stuff in there. Complete sentences, proper grammar, stuff you've never heard from her before.

SARAH'S book is number one on the best seller lists leaving STEPHEN KING to be number two with his very scary new book called "Sarah Palin Becomes President."

If you think PALIN'S book, "Going Rogue," is a huge bestseller, wait'll you see how popular her next book will be -- To be called, "Going Away."

KHALID SHEIKH MOHAMMED, the terrorist mastermind, will go on trial in New York. Did you see that picture of him? Forget terrorism. He should get executed just for having all that hair on his shoulders. Hair on shoulders is a maximum offense in New York and every other city in the country.

LIZ CHENEY hinted that her father, DICK, might run for President in 2012. This news was greeted with cheers, hope and great relief; and that was just from the Democrats.

Can you imagine that scary guy, DICK CHENEY, running for President and SARAH PALIN as his Vice President. It would be just like that old JIM CARREY movie, "Dum, DeDum, Dum & Dumber."

91-year-old Senator ROBERT BYRD set a record for the longest time served in congressional history. During his time in office, BYRD has passed over 800 bills and 600 kidney stones.

The POPE has a 900 number, but don't try any crank calls to the Vatican because if they tell you to "Go to hell," it's not just a figure of speech.

The Food and Drug Administration has just approved the first female version of Viagra. Already a guy was overheard in a Singles Bar saying, "My Viagra or yours?"



MASTERJOKE THEATRE

A couple both in their 70's go to a Sex Therapist's office. The doctor says, "How may I help you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor is puzzled, but agrees.

When the couple finish the doctor tells them there's nothing wrong with the way they have intercourse, charges them $85 for the session and they leave.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple make the appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems, pay the doctor and leave. Finally, the doc asks, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married so we can't go to her house. I'm married so we can't go to mine. The Holiday Inn charges $125, the Hilton gets $150. We do it here for $85 and I get $68 back from Medicare"



FROM THE NATION'S TOP COMEDY WRITERS









THANKSGIVING TIPS

Be sure to get your turkey from a reputable market. Last year some people wound up buying a chicken with a gland condition.

If you run out of bread crumbs try stuffing your bird with minced cardboard. It may sound silly, but airline chefs have been doing it for years.

Save your empty turkey carcass. When you see the price of gifts this year, you may decide to restuff it for Christmas dinner.



THE MINI-MALL MARRIAGE

"Jackie Joe Bob and Jilly Sue Stack
had a courtship made in Heaven.
They met in the back of a Radio Shack
and were married at the 7-11.

For a time their love was working out swell,
then one day it just ups and expires.
So they said farewell at the Taco Bell,
and called it quits at Jacoby and Myers.



IN THE WORDS OF

...SOLOMON, who said to his 1000 wives, "For better service, please take number."

...SIGMUND FREUD, who said to a patient. "You're not paranoid, you're not being followed. You have toilet paper stuck to your shoe."

...ALI BABA, who said to his 40 thieves. "All right, which one of you clowns lifted my wallet?"

...RIP VAN WINKLE, who said to his wife after sleeping for 20 years, "Don't make the bed, I'm just going to the toilet."



RECESSION MELODRAMA

Two DOWN AND OUT ACTORS meet on the street.

FIRST: I'm working.
SECOND: Great! Broadway?
FIRST: Nope.
SECOND: OFF Broadway?
FIRST: Nope.
SECOND: OFF, OFF Broadway?
FIRST: Nope.
SECOND: Where then?
FIRST: Paramus, New Jersey.
SECOND: Well, as long as your making a few dollars.
FIRST: Nope, no money.
SECOND: Then why the hell did you take the job?
FIRST: In the second act they give us soup.



NOVEMBER ALMANAC

BILL OF RIGHTS ANNIVERSARY... In 1789 New Jersey ratified the first ten amendments of the constitution known as the Bill of Rights. Among them was the 5th Amendment, the right for a man not to incriminate himself. The one every man takes when he comes home at 3 in the morning and his wife finds confetti in his shorts and lipstick on his loafers.