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SARAH PALIN announced she's quitting her job as Governor of Alaska. Comedians and comedy writers all over the country went
into deep mourning.
Lt. Gov. SEAN PARNELL will be sworn in on July 26th. If he doesn't work out, Alaskans are thinking
of bringing in TINA FAY to finish out her term.
SARAH made the announcement in a cryptic and disjointed speech,
but it was straight from the shoulder -- Her head was never involved.
Yes, SARAH PALIN is stepping down which, in
Alaska, stepping anyplace is a dangerous thing to do with all those moose roaming around.
SARAH is resigning because
she can not only see Russia from her kitchen window, but the White House in 2012.
It was proven once again last week
that death comes in threes: MICHAEL JACKSON, FARRAH FAWCETT and Governor MARK SANFORD'S political career.
The Governor's
adultery confession may have hurt his chances to run for president. Then again maybe not. He dropped out of sight and didn't
say a word for four days, and Americans are finding that more and more attractive in a candidate.
FRANKIN'S opponent,
NORM COLEMAN told AL that being a senator is the best job that he, FRANKEN, will ever have. Right. Once you've schmoozed with
HARRY REID on C-SPAN, you'll never want to go back to hangin' with STEVE MARTIN on SNL.
A new Gallup poll finds that
46 percent of Americans now see the Democratic Party as "less liberal"...And with AL FRANKEN declared a Senator,
they also see the party a lot "less funny."
BERNIE MADOFF was sentenced to 150 years in prison but it
wasn't all bad news. With good behavior he could be out in only 127.
I don't know is BERNIE is getting any special
treatment in the federal prison he's now living in, but his guard was overheard calling a New York restaurant and asking,
"What wine goes with slop?"
MANNY RAMERIZ ended his 50 game drug-abuse suspension but he doesn't seem to
be completely free of steriod-female hormones. His first words to the press after returning to the Dodger lineup was, “Does
this uniform make my butt me look fat?”
And after every game he rushes home to his Tivo to watch "The
View."
A man was hit by Ford's new electric car and filed the first lawsuit in history to charge, "Assault
By Battery."
MASTERJOKE THEATRE
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. As
her dad is getting his hair cut, she stands very close to the barber chair eating a Hostess snack cake.
The barber
smiles down at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your "Twinkie."
"I know, "
says the little girl, "and someday I'm also gonna get boobs."
FROM THE NATION'S TOP COMEDY WRITERS
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