The most common definition associated with spoiling children involves, "parents giving them whatever they want". Good enough. Unfortunately, a preponderance of parents prefer to postulate that this 'parents giving them whatever they want' term refers to the PHYSICAL needs and desires of children while coming-up very fuzzy when it comes to the EMOTIONAL aspects of spoiling kids. I recently heard a prominent basketball coach in an interview on TV say that while he was sitting on a pile of money, he wasn't going to leave any of it to his children because it would just spoil them and ruin their lives. I know I'm citing an extreme example here to make my point, but this poor, misguided man is a victim of society's myth about spoiling children. To this coach, cutting his kids out of his will is an act of love, perverted though it may be.

Putting religion aside, what real 'good' is born of deprivation? Think about that and then tell me what it has to do with spoiling children. As a matter of fact, a child considered spoiled in a strictly physical sense will become an adult described as determined, persistent, infatiguable, tireless, dogged, and ambitious when it comes to obtaining what they desire on a physical level (money, home, car, etc.) because they are unaccustomed to being denied the things they want. They may have very well come to believe that they possess an unalienable right to obtain what they desire-----BUT, this does not necessarily mean, in any way, that they will be willing to step all over other people for their own gain. Nor, for that matter, does it mean they would treat others in an obnoxious, inconsiderate manner.

This brings us into the EMOTIONAL aspect of spoiling. One of the greatest fears of parents is having their kids being perceived as 'spoiled brats'. Traditionally, children described as such have not only been considered totally unacceptable, they've been a Social Taboo. This is why the truly 'obnoxious spoiled brat' is an exception to the rule in our society (and, for that matter, the known world). Historically, respectful (fearful) submissiveness has been the role expected of both women and children. Well, that's changing for women because they've finally gained a voice in the matters of man. On the other hand, granting children a voice is like asking people to let their pets help determine household policy.

So, what conditions then create the development of an insufferable, obnoxious, spoiled little brat? A.S. Neill of Summerhill fame had one golden rule at his school------CHILDREN ARE NOT PERMITTED TO INFRINGE UPON THE RIGHTS OF OTHERS (Or Themselves). The kids at his school were constantly experimenting with their own rules in learning the democratic process, but his 'golden rule' was the only one he insisted upon maintaining. Initially aghast, I spent over a year researching the conditions and consequences of such a relatively 'free' environment for children. Follow-up studies on Summerhill graduates showed these young adults to be truly beautiful human beings with none of them being described as 'spoiled' in any sense.

In essence, A.S. Neill made this issue amazingly simple-----give kids complete freedom and you'll turn-out little monsters-----give kids love, respect, and a healthy consideration for the rights of others and you'll turn-out happy, well-adjusted little beauties. Is this statement grossly simplistic? Oh, yes. Is it true? I have the proof.

I was constantly warned that the way I was raising my kids was going to turn them into the dreaded spoiled brats. The warnings started over 25 years ago and gradually died-out, because as time went on, it became apparent that my kids would have to be described as anything but spoiled. As a matter of fact, their behavior has always been (and remains) in direct contradiction to being spoiled. It's been my experience that little tyrants are created by that rare bird of a parent who is actually afraid of upsetting their kids and consequently tolerates any and all behavior. This results in the children being robbed of what we consider to be a 'normal' socialization process ('normal' being defined by culture).

I have concern and compassion for that little despotic spoiled brat that comes along now and then who will quite possibly encounter many difficulties in life. But what really worries me is the all too common twelve year old sitting dejectedly alone in a corner afraid to say anything much of the time. This unspoiled, seemingly respectful and submissive child is the one who is at much greater risk of becoming a serious problem to themselves and society than our little spoiled brat.

I don't want to fail mentioning that it is impossible to spoil a baby. I hope no one reading this is concerned about spoiling their infant. Let me put it this way----A BABY CANNOT BE SPOILED! If you have any doubts about this, please contact me. Keep in mind that ignorance is a prelude to stupidity.

The point of this discussion is to express my feeling that too many parents are pre-occupied with not spoiling their children when their first priority should be the well-being and healthy emotional growth and development of their children. The prevalence of 'spoiled children' is insignificant when compared to the prevalence of children treated in a sufficiently harsh manner as to cause long-term emotional damage and psychological problems.

I believe that any parent who loves their kids knows in their heart that what their children really need is huge amounts of love, affection, caring, warmth, support, encouragement, praise, and laughter. The dreaded word 'spoiled' needs to be kept in context! How many of you parents reading this would even consider letting little sister get beat-on, jumping on the furniture, or unimportant interruptions while you're on the phone? Nary a soul, I would venture. Not permitting this type of behavior is what prevents 'spoiling'. So let's concentrate on that good, positive stuff that we all really want and put aside concerns about the contrived, mistaken rules of society that would have us treat our kids in a negative manner for the sake of obsolete tradition.

James C. Talbot

Text Editing by @ Seven^th Monkey Productions